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Coming out to those close to you
Posted by JaneS on 17/03/2015 at 8:03 pmIn http://forum.tgr.net.au/cms/forum/F163/6035-what-is-wrong-with-these-people#26192
Christina wrote:I will have to get used to the reality that all my fears were mostly baseless. Where will it all lead?Perhaps not totally baseless – there are still some people out there with quite narrow and distorted views – but certainly we don’t need to feel the level of fear we once did. For many now it is only the challenge of facing those closest to them that poses the greatest fear.
Moderator: split tpo new thread as it is not on-topic for the going out in public forum
Anonymous replied 9 years, 8 months ago 7 Members · 18 Replies -
18 Replies
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In http://forum.tgr.net.au/cms/forum/F163/6035-what-is-wrong-with-these-people#26192
Christina wrote:I will have to get used to the reality that all my fears were mostly baseless. Where will it all lead?Perhaps not totally baseless – there are still some people out there with quite narrow and distorted views – but certainly we don’t need to feel the level of fear we once did. For many now it is only the challenge of facing those closest to them that poses the greatest fear.
Moderator: split tpo new thread as it is not on-topic for the going out in public forum
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Deleted User
Deleted User18/03/2015 at 10:16 pmI still am in the closet as far as family are concerned. I just can’t get the courage to tell them. I’m too fearful of the possible consequences
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I totally agree. The family and close friends who I have known for a long time would be the most difficult to come out to. It was hard enough coming out to my wife. What would they say? Would we remain friends? I don’t want to loose all those connections so I work on the basis of coming out on a need to know basis.
I am very comfortable going out socially meeting new people and making new friends as Jane, it is somewhat like starting a new life and that is exciting! :woohoo:
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Anonymous
Guest19/03/2015 at 4:37 amI’m with you Clair my wife I’ll not have anything to do with Julie even though she has known for years she blames her for stealing her husband I told my daughter just recently before she read about it in my e mails and she was so accepting through her tears she understood why I haven’t came out to her brothers. I have tried to teach them tolerance and to live and let live but their peers and pub mentality have them blinded. Hopefully one day they will understand. But life is to short and I am going to live some of it as who I truly am
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Anonymous
Guest20/03/2015 at 1:56 pmI am in the “tell as many friends and family as possible” camp. As soon as someone I meet becomes important to me, I tell them I am transgender. In recent years it has become harder to hide that fact but it clarifies things and noone has ever rejected me solely because of that news. I have lost two partners where my TG nature had become an issue but it was never THE issue over which we split.
Telling someone the truth honours the recipient IMO , how can anything you say really mean anything if such a big issue is left unsaid? I think people accept me better when I am honest about myself and it encourages them to be more open and courageous about their own lives.I wonder how much not telling is a result of our own fear rather than an often stated need to protect other’s feelings.
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Where family & friends are concerned, I am totally int the closet too. For me the possible consequences are difficult to contemplate & easier if the people close to me don’t know about Dana.
I have no problem socialising with other girls or going out in public. I supose the opinions of strangers don’t matter, yet the opinions of family & friends do,
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I came out to family and all my cliose friends about 18 months ago. It was pretty scary at the time but all my fears were unfounded. My children have been very supportive, so much so, that when I went to my daughters 21st recently as a male, she made me go home and change into something more comfortable. My 3 children are all good with the changes. As long as I am happy they don’t care. My wife is also very supportive, without her help I would still be in the closet as well. I don’t have a lot of friends , they all know and it has made no difference. The only place where I am still in the closet is at work. I am not sure if I will ever come out to them, it really doesn’t matter either way now. As long as you are happy with yoursellf and where you are, the rest falls into place..
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Ali_C wrote:I came out to family and all my cliose friends about 18 months ago.
For the record, just like Ali, I came out to everyone I valued in my life (with the exception of my mother in England); it was last year (something to do with having a big birthday and deciding to sort things out for good). Writing the letter to everyone was pretty tricky (but my daughter helped draft it). No one had any adverse reactions – and many were very supportive. A year on I can’t detect any negatives about taking the big step but there are lots of positives. Like Ali I don’t have a lot of friends and it was lovely to feel they all would support me being me. Work isn’t an issue for me as I’m definitely running down that side of my life. I contract and if the client wants what I can do for them they can put up with my personal appearance!
I’m not suggesting for a moment that everyone should follow my example – we re all very different and our circumstances are unique. But some of the hype about coming out may date back to the 1990’s and not the current times.
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Another hairy subject, again because we are all different and pose differing circumstances. I feel the topic poses a question, why do want to come out?
The answer to the question is about how one feels and how does being transgender affect your life?
Speaking for myself and probably many others, coming out to all the necessary people in life creates a massive sense of relief and eventual calmness. All my life I have suffered the (I think) the consequences of being transgender; depression, suicidal thoughts and on occasions actions. The whole gambit of living a life that was, mostly miserable, degrading and full of woe. Let me add for most of my life I hadn’t come to grips with what was causing all my mental health challenges.
Coming out to me was an effort to relieve the mounting necessity of preserving my sanity and health. Looking back to many years ago it was a slow but deliberate process. Starting with my second wife (who many know) it was a case of she found out by trial and error from then on it snowballed in concentric circles. I told my son who was somewhat ambivalent on the issue and still is. The closer the friends the sooner they were enlightened. In the main there were no adverse reactions, those that found my revelations disconcerting disappeared into the ether, and good luck to them. The rest, and there are limited numbers are still around. MY mother never knew, I was chicken to open up to her. Some people found out and are still around.
I think ‘coming out’ is something only the individual can act upon depending on their circumstances; horses for courses so to speak. But I can tell that those who are reading this ditty, my life is a definite improvement. I no longer find it necessary to hide myself, my wardrobe or for that matter any other aspects of my life except that of my choosing. My mental health is good, very good and I want to keep it way for my sake and the sake of those close to me.
Only the individual can make such a momentous choice, but it takes enormous courage to tell someone very close your lifelong secret. Perhaps its worth it? -
Coming out to those close to you.
An addition to my reply to the topic. I consider my GP relatively close in so much as he is my primary health care provider. Being my primary health care provider I consider he/her ought to know as much about me as is possible. When no long ago I had to find a new GP amongst the first things I said to him, ‘I’m transgender’ I considered it as much part of my health history as a heart attack or a stroke (had both). I think he nodded and carried on downloading my history.
I found it absolutely imperative that a GP knows all about you so that they can take everything into consideration when making decisions on health matters and the appropriate courses of action. Honesty is the best policy in all circumstances. All my admissions have followed mt through to hospitals and subsequent treatments. I have always been treated with courtesy and due respect.
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Anonymous
Guest01/04/2015 at 9:34 amIn the last year I’ve gone from hiding in the bedroom with very much a ‘I don’t want to know’ attitude from the wife to an everyone knows… Keen to tell everyone, from work colleagues, motorcycle club mates, family and friends. I was kind of forced into it a little, required to tell work for security clearance reasons.
I will add my comments to those extolling the surprise I’ve felt with not a single lost friend, bad word or negative comment. A couple of formerly military mates are a little awkward about it, but hey, I’m not likely to take them makeup shopping…. Overall I’ve been overwhelmed by support even by the conservative, old school bosses.
It’s only my more closeted CD friends who have reacted badly. I think a combination of envy, jealousy and regret. For them I am sorry, but I could not remain hidden. It has cost me one very close friend that has hurt me badly, and by association I’m also counting as lost a number of common CD and TG friends in SA. That part really hurts… -
How refreshing to experience positive outcomes (pun not intended) from being your true self and letting people know just who you really are. I recently had dinner with Donna and her wife, a lovely couple of people. Keep up the good work Donna, go, go, go!
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Anonymous
Guest01/04/2015 at 9:10 pmLiz asked ” why” we should come clean to our nearest and dearest . For me , it is as Eddie Izzard recently said on his ” One plus One” interview..” because it is the truth!”” Nothing more needed I think. Why would we lie to them and what a shaky basis to build a relationship on!
In counselling I was taught about CONGRUITY and the harm that not having it in your life can do. For the INSIDE life to match the OUTSIDE life is the basis of good mental health and my life has certainly benefited from a change in that direction.
It has been a slow process for me , to drop the T bomb on someone out of the blue is going to cause concern it is true but as I said in the opening line in the letter to my new boss recently ” It may be a case of the ” bleeding obvious” but…” It is there for anyone to see but it can be easily misread by the uninitiated.There will be consequences to honesty but your own long term mental well-being is a precious thing and it is often how it is presented that is relevant rather than the news that is given. Of course a woman who knows nothing of her partners inner life is going to feel uncomfortable at the least and may end the relationship ( as happened in my case , not expressly for that reason, though it was a factor) but both EXs are still good friends and I am a better person for having gone
through that process.I find that the most common outcome now, when I tell someone, is a respect for my courage and strength for dealing so openly with them. It has to come from your inner self but again Congruity is a powerful force and people can see that in ones demeanor whether one has it or not.
Everyone has to weigh up there own situation but IMO the sooner we start on the road to truth the better off everyone will be.
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Deleted User
Deleted User05/04/2015 at 12:28 amDonnagirl wrote:It has cost me one very close friend that has hurt me badly, and by association I’m also counting as lost a number of common CD and TG friends in SA. That part really hurts…I find it amazing to hear that the people who demonstrated a resentment are the very people you have set a wonderful example to, I’d have thought they would be looking to you as an inspiration. Sadly I never had the courage to tell my own family. Although it might have made my life easier perhaps it mayhave made theirs harder which was my rational for not telling them.
Their loss is your gain my dear. -
ClaireStafford wrote:I find it amazing to hear that the people who demonstrated a resentment are the very people you have set a wonderful example to,.
Sadly I think there is a lot of truth in DonnaGirl’s observation.
As a community we are heavily fragmented into little groups…each designed to provide comfort to those who want to inhabit them. Heaven knows – life in the past has been pretty tough on anyone who put their head up and admitted to being gender diverse. So for every manifestation of gender expression you can find groups who have come together to provide mutual support – frequently on the lines of “its OK to be like you are because we are like that too”.
In the past (and I stress this is a historical observation) the most entrenched groupings were for those who identified as transsexual and saw their journey to SRS and for part-time crossdressers who limited their gender expression to the closet or monthly society meetings. These two groups had built protective walls round them to distinguish themselves from other trans people, and those within each would periodically lob insult grenades into the other camp.
Whilst you appeared to conform with the norms of a particular group then they will welcome you and be your “friend” – but if you challenge the group by taking actions they are not generally comfortable with then you will loose their support.
Coming out to those around you is a particularly challenging concept for those who rightly or wrongly live in fear of identification. If it works well for you, then you are threatening in some way the reasons behind their decision to stay hidden.
So yes, coming out to those close to you can, and probably will change your circle of friends – as your journey of gender discovery takes you between or outside the groups. But your true friends (not in a Facebook sense) will stick with you all the way.
A sad observation, but one I can vouch to be true.