doubts when out in public

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Oh dear all i can say is hold my hand and ill show you how to do it,

its like talking to 100’s of people with nothing writen down and talk for about an hour each time, and interact with those people, no problem, easy no butterflys and you in most case’s dont know them,

so whats this got to do with thoughts about myself and other aspects of my life quite a lot,

More so for some one who could not string two lines to gether shy an introvert hated large groups of people and no self esteem or confidence and dyslexia and disliked how i looked and still do.these are just the high lights,

I am now a very strong woman who has grown into one so a big change from a shy backward kid it was time for me to grow into who iv allways been i dont know about males i thought most were stronger seems not in many aspects of life clothes dont change me , i had to grow into myself as a woman = female so maybe i came with a few details that helped me and because i can use them now well over the last 20 years,

so hope this helps if your a strong person clothes do not enter into it, clothes ether become the problem or you make them the problem

Its not about clothes and other things its about who we are as a person first , wether we are male or female or a mix of both should not enter into it,we allow it we then pay the price of not accepting our selfs for who we are, from birth, hey what do i know im just a female,

…noeleena…

[Elizabeth]

Hmm, I frequently wonder if there is such a person as one of us who can venture out in public without a care in the world; I most certainlt can’t.
I’ve heard people say, ‘It doesn’t bother me at all’ and I think to myself, bullshit. We are all human and if I am correct think and wonder what others think and imagine about us. So to me anyone who has niggling doubts aboiut themselves in publc are well justified and have no need to consider themselves to be wimps.
I’ve been public for some time now and still experience that questioning fear factor. Last night five of us dined out, plus one wife at a Chinese restaurant, fine until I parked and locked the car. I had to swallow hard, bite the bullet and think to myself, who cares? I do.
No one took the slightest bit of notice of me and had no problems whatsoever, but it still doesen’t eradicate that basic fear. But then I guess there’s safety in numbers. I dress reasonably and present well (I think) so why on earth should I bother? There’s a built in fear of what others think, my upward thrusting middle finger is my saviour.
I watched out of the corner of my eye, one our sisters get up and toddle off to the loo, other folk in the restaurant didn’t even bother to look, not one person. But we still have this fear, or is it just me?

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Liz,

Nigglling doubt’s about == myself in what way, as a person or how i look or dont, things i can do or not ,

Im looked at more than most people because my dress code is a bit different, are they thinking oh she’s different or what do we have here,

You know what its not the clothes it who are we why are we like this or my case why do i dress differently, yet heres my difference you said bullshit as to it does not bother me , myself no it does not because im different so why should it i dont blend in or pass fact is if i did no one would look at me as to figger myself out

yet many people do many of those who look at me see me most weeks at the pack and save shop they many of them know me ,

I doubt myself in many aspects of my life as iv said , just no way do i doubt myself as a person and who i am my core is sound strong and happy in myself so iv no doubt about that

now with out a care in the world, being out in public why lack of confidence in who you are, self doubt;s then as a person why do you doubt your self is this about the clothes you wear if so it goes deeper than just the clothes then does it not,

so what your saying is you hide who you are behind a mask .

can you not take that mask off and show who you really are,

You know what ill say so i dont need to, i dont wear a mask or can i.

how many friends do you have, i mean real friends that dont give a dam what you wear or not,

…noeleena…

[Adrian]

Quote:

I frequently wonder if there is such a person as one of us who can venture out in public without a care in the world; I most certainly can’t. I’ve heard people say, ‘It doesn’t bother me at all’ and I think to myself, bullshit.

I always enjoy reading Liz’s perspective on the Transgender experience – invariably well thought through and charmingly expressed.

But we all live with our understanding of being transgender restricted by our own perspective. Things that lie outside our personal experience can be incomprehensible or inconceivable.

I for instance, am frequently unable to relate to the experiences of those who are happily male, or at the other end of the spectrum, to those who are repelled by their physical appearance. So I recognise that in questioning how a life can be without care, Liz has reached into the mists of incomprehensibility and dismissed the concept as bullshit.

But bullshit it isn’t.

Like all of us, I can only speak from my personal experience, as someone who has had a long journey of self-discovery since first going out to a cafe 18 years ago. When I realised a few years ago that I’m certainly not a blokey male, but more importantly, am I also not a 100% woman inside, my presentation to the world at large has increasingly been marked by gender ambiguity. Out went most of the blokey male clothes but also it was goodbye to the wigs and breast forms.

I know to many, my a failure to follow the “rules” of appearing (or actually slavishly attempting to appear) to be indistinguishably “Man” or “Woman” is incomprehensible. Conforming to what society expects to see is always going to appear to be easier, but at the same time it exposes you to a feeling that you might not be presenting flawlessly. The millstone of “passing” will always create doubt when you go out.

But if instead of passing you are just being yourself it seems to go underneath the radar of everyone you meet. I suspect this is what Noellena refers to in her posts.

I can honestly say that when I go out I do look in the mirror to check I’m happy with the “Me” on display. But after that I never give any thought at all to what others are seeing or thinking. I suspect that those who have been out with me in public can vouch for this.

So no Liz, it isn’t bullshit – it is Nirvana. We each have to find our individual ways there, because we are all so different. But when you get there, and those doubts recede or vanish, then you will understand.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Thank you Adrian,

yes that is correct, Because i am who i am i slide nicely under the radar why, because im accetped for who i am not trying to be other ,

This of cause goes back 55 years when others knew me and later rang me up why because they knew an d know me its about the core person not an act or a covering mask,

im too open for that this is why i get on so well with people in my world where i live, and even when among strangers i talk with them, yes im different,
so,
this is not what its about its about joining in being part of and being accetped, if we do not become part of the group or soc or what ever it may be then every one has a lose, not just myself or you all here,

You know the story to ride the bike you get on and try you fall off and get up again and do it again and again till you ride, dont do as some walk away never to do rideing ,

…noeleena…

[Jan_Wilson]

Hi Salleyj,

Reading Liz, Noeleena and Amanda’s replies I feel there is something in them all for you to take on board.

Your question specifically asks how other’s manage so I hope you don’t mind my projecting my personal experiences in replying to your post.

When I first socialised as a woman I was concerned with other people’s conceptions. I actually stopped going out to mainstream venues for a number of years as for some reason I felt I was encroaching on other’s turf.

I felt that there were enough alternate venues for me not to need to frequent regular venues.

This thinking continued until I attended my first Transformal in 2012. What was I thinking?

Get out there, have fun and be yourself. My method is to dress fairly age appropriately, but I have no problem being with girls who are more adventurous.

Presenting in your prefered gender is not illegal or immoral.

Life’s too short honey, get out there.

Good luck,

Jan.

PS If someone should choose to be prickly with you, remember it’s their problem not yours.

[Alison_2]

I’ve only recently started going out in public and I stress like mad. I have to get my mind into the right place and feel confident with the way I look.

My comfort zone is to go out down the street looking very casual. I started with wearing jeans before venturing to wearing a skirt.

I freak out thinking everyone is looking at me but I look straight ahead and look through people, never making eye contact. I feel my word is going to collapse and stress everyone will point at me or call me names. So far they never have but it doesn’t stop me from stressing.

I have found it easier to venture out in large crowds when people are in a rush.

I stress inside me every time I step outside the front door but I force myself to keep going step by step and with each one it gets easier. Over the last few months I have surprised myself in how brave I have become.

[Anonymous]

Self acceptance and self confidence do make life a lot easier out and about. I am not the sort of person who likes to go out looking like a dag no matter what the object of my outing. As has been mentioned the idea that you have to pass is a mistake. Being you and being honest with the world plays well with most people. Panic is an understandable feeling in the start but it fades and confidence grows or you’re for ever a stay at home girl.

There are of course certainly feminine traits one should persue if you don’t wish to receive undue attention. I have seen quite a few who fail by walking like the hulk or sitting legs apart , deportment classes are a must for some. I am image conscious just as most women but you have to care about yourself or whatever is the point. People will look at others but the vast majority couldn’t careless , worry will make it seem as though everyone is having a look.

I have spoken with quite a few people who are not confident and when you watch them often it is that doubt in themselves that draws the attention. Still though mostly people couldn’t care .

[Anonymous]

I can still remember my first time out as Helen in a public place. I was nervous almost to the point of being distraught. So much so I left the restaurant and had to go for a settling walk. Something hit me as I was walking and that was I had reached that first dam, that being going out in public and so far nothing had fallen on my head, nobody had come and abused me and my world was still there, real, functioning and crying out for me to enjoy my new experiences. I went back into the restaurant, ordered (I was with Noeleena at the time) and feeling far more relaxed I had a meal, a glass of soft drink and every second I was there gave me more confidence…. I still have nerves and expect to have them every time I go out. However I now feel confident enough to go out for dinner etc and I enjoy that initial burst of nerves as it allows me not to take everything for granted and enhances my enjoyment.

I still believe that there may be a time when some mindless fool wants to make a point, however if that eventuates, then I will ignore them and walk off with my dignity intact.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Ill put this in as a,

can you do this ,

Okay i know many if not most here will and do say they have to be dressed, so that they look like a woman, clothes makeup heels and so on ,

So what im getting or seeing is many do not wont to be seen for who they really are, as a normal male okay so far, now what about being seen by those who know you, oh dear the real you on display yes an issue for some, so would this be the reason most do not join groups and get known

The talk is you wont go out most with out your makeup on,

Steping in to the womans world ,

One group iv been involved with over 15 years the band master has known me since the begining and calls me noel she is lovely and im part of the band about 15 members plus our Garrison band about same number and we join together for different detail most of the others im just noeleena, now to address this issue, i wear our uniform for the army = sally , ill wear a skirt, for the Garrison band i wear trousers black of cause, and iv been told i look quite smart dressed in uniform, and we play in front of large groups of people,

So how do i look , as a male or as a female, seems to me as iv said right from the begining because im both it makes little matter what i wear, and well accepted just the same, you get my point, its not about clothes or whats worn its allways about the person, oh and no makeup or hair, no wig ether, so you see ,

if i can be accepted for who i am and sure not a stunning looking female theres pleanty of room for others to move in, i know many dressers look far better and out class me in looks,

ich bin nur eine Frau , nicht eine Wucht .
i am just a woman , not a stunner ,

…noeleena…

[Anonymous]

i have to agree with everything that has been said, so far.
I started going out as Dee at night hopping that no one would notice ,and guess what no one did, then tried drive through’s and once again no one cared (as long as i paid). but the first time i went out durring daylight hours i was shaking as a lesf. Decided to go to highpoint(major shoping centre) in full knee length skirt. Well it went ok until a very young child just followed me around looking straight at me, i freeked and left, sweating profussly. so still dress and still go out and most importantly still very scared as there are a lot of wierd people out there

[Anonymous]

Yep I still worry too much… I failed this weekend to even shop in boy mode… Don’t know why, but I just could not go through with any purchase…

[Jan_Wilson]

I really only want to reply to this thread if my reply contributes something to the subject.

I am not sure it does that well enough but here goes.

How often do we read or hear the best way to go unnoticed is to go with confidence? If that is indeed the goal. Some do want to be noticed.

I don’t.

I, a bit like Adrian, just do it. Liz I do and I really haven’t felt any apprehension often at all, if at all.

I cannot explain it other than I rarely experience nerves in any situation. Public speaking etc. I am not trying to be arrogant it is my makeup not something I am proud of it is just me.

So is it that I don’t display nervousness that allows me not to be nervous? (Work that out and play fair.)

So what is my contribution, I guess it is ‘who cares?’ Just do it. don’t make a spectacle and express yourself as you wish.

[Anonymous]

yes it happens i dont know where that feeling comes from one day you can do it so easy and other days scared like a little girl but it passes

i think its how we are feeling on the day and i have found if iam interupted by someone,then that takes my focas of what iam doing

i found the counter is the hardest place to be iam sure they know what i have brought is for me
just have to suck it up smile pay and leave

i have found buying shoes is the hardest there is no easy way to do that

salleyj

[Anonymous]

Confidence (and attitude) come from frequent outings and dealing with various situations. It also comes from being happy with your appearance – not in terms of passing or even blending but liking how you look. Don’t confuse attitude and arrogance. I smile a lot and its fascinating how many ladies exchange smiles.

But you know what, even after going out femme 3 or 4 days a week I still get a dry mouth and sense of anticipation … I hope it remains that way forever! It is part of being different, of being special, of being out in a changing more accepting world.

Often the days that I struggle to motivate myself to get out turn out to be the best days. Hard to explain why, just that the good things that happen are magnified.

One last thought. I’d much rather shop for ladies clothes dressed femme. Seems more natural, provides an outing, SAs are the best for a compliment, and try on the clothes right then.

Enjoy.