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Finally out to my wife
Partly inspired by champagne and partly because i cant live in a closet anymore I told my wife last night!
There were a lot of tears from both of us but she said she knew ten years ago, although not the extent of it. She was furious that I have let this issue fester for so long and that as a result it has negatively effected me and our relationship. In fact she was so upset that she said she should hit me. She didn’t even though I said she could and should.She said she thought I was Bi. And then she was concerned it was just a sexual thing which I told her its not, it’s more about personality.
She wanted to know what I wanted to do and I told her to be able to dress at home and to go out occasionally dressed. As long as the kids don’t know she said she “didn’t give a shit” about it.
She was also a bit miffed that I wear her clothes so I only showed her a pic of my face when made up because I had her clothes on. I would like to show her more though maybe later once she has time to adjust.
Where to from here I am not sure, whilst she seemed to be ok with it I know that it is still a shock to her. Still hasn’t sunk in for me that she really knows now as opposed to just strong suspicions. Therapy for us both on Monday will be interesting.
Cathy
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20 Replies
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Hello Cathy,
I told my partner of 22 years approximately 12 months ago. Her reaction & ability to cope with the information has varied & wavered over that time. I don’t wish to give any specific advice as we are all different with differing circumstances but I would mention that initial reactions are not always an indication of what the future holds.
In my case my partner intends to remain in the relationship, though the dynamics have changed somewhat. I’m in transition & present full time as a woman. As my partner is not same sex attracted she is no longer attracted to me physically.
It can be very difficult for partners, even if your intentions are part time activity. I think it is always a good idea to try & imagine the roles reversed. Try to imagine that your partner wishes to present & act in a masculine manner & look male. I know for me it would present a challenge in regard to intimacy, as it does for her.Anyway, good luck & it’s good to hear that you are both attending therapy.
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Hi Cathy,
To me sharing (verbalising) with your partner is the greatest of all stumbling blocks on the journey towards transition. You have to be prepared for any eventuallity and outcomes with your partner. Think about it, what a shock! Despite the initial acceptance it takes time for the whole concept to sink in and digest. The outcomes may well be different from the initial reaction.
It is a case of treading gently, step by step, accepting whatever your partner feels and decides. If you’re lucky, very lucky, she’ll stay and go along with the flow, otherwise she’ll pack her bags and go. To transition requires you to relinquish something (a loss) which probably means your partner. To keep your partner means you have to forego somerthing, your tranistioning, however you may well retain your loving relationship, albeit with you occassionally crossdressing and even attending outings crossdressed. It’s a compromise.
Maybe, just maybe, your partner will research and learn about transgenderism which will aid her true acceptance or tolerance and even support you. It is something you both have to work out betwen you.
I wish you both luck.
My first relationship ended abrubtly, my second loving relationship is going strong after 40 years with acceptance, on both sides. Oh yes, we’ve had our up and downs, a great many, but we stuck at it.
Liz -
Why is and do a lot of people here think that because they dress as a female means they are on the road to transition?
A crazy notion in my book as while it certainly is hard to explain as us males are all stuck in a conforming narrow role and can’t truly be ourselves.
We really do need a way to be able to explain and talk to our dearly partners and who are our sexual love mates as well that us Men are human too and we have feelings too.
Dressing up and looking and feeling good is something wonderful that we have found and we are all better people as we have stepped out of our shackles.
Also by telling your loved one you have risked everything but you want to be her equal mate and experience life together
If you need my sort of help I am always here for you.
Jennett -
Quote:Why is and do a lot of people here think that because they dress as a female means they are on the road to transition? Jennett
Hell no Jennet!
Why should I choose just one gender when I can comfortably fill either shoes? For me transition has never been on the cards and I don’t expect it ever will. Would love a holiday on venus but wouldn’t wanna live there. I mean just the maintenance and bathroom time alone! What a hassle!
Cathy, I told my wife 16 years ago and it has been a long road which may still have no pleasant end. She only just made her decision in the last 12 months that she never wants to see even a picture of me dressed. So you see it could be a very very long road ahead. Be patient. It’s the journey not the destination which is important.
All the best to both of you. Alex
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This thread was started by Cathy for her own purposes so I do not wish to direct it somewhere else but would like to comment on the following;
Quote:Why is and do a lot of people here think that because they dress as a female means they are on the road to transition?Jennett, let me explain my position as a statement of fact: I am in transition – fact. I do currently present unambiguously as a woman 24/7 – fact. I have changed my name – fact. I have advised all relevant parties of my intentions – fact.
The fact that I dress in clothing intended for women is irrelevant but never the less a fact of my choice. The fact that I wish to be understood as a woman & veiwed as female is my reality of my gender.
My prevous comments about my position was one Tg person communicating with another Tg person in an empathic manner to indicate support.I very specifically wrote “I’m in transition & present full time as a woman”. They are two comments as clearly indicated by &.
I think I am on the road to transition because I am, it’s not for any one else to interpret or more precisely misinterpret, it’s my journey.
Quote:Dressing up and looking and feeling good is something wonderful that we have found and we are all better people as we have stepped out of our shackles.I don’t disagree with that statement. Dressing is a part of what I do to express my gender but for me it is not the whole story.
Cathy I hope this unfortunate diversion has not distracted from your important news about telling your partner. Good luck with what ever it is you want & need.
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I think maybe Jennett may have been referring to the first line in Liz’s post which I would respond to just by saying that I don’t intend to transition, I just want to dress occasionally at home and attend appropriate functions.
And I don’t mind the derail, it’s an interesting conversation and I can always derail back. I also greatly appreciate the advice and concern from everyone.
At the moment not much more has been said between us….although the wake up attention this morning speaks volumes about her continuing attraction and love for me.
We both have appointments with our therapist this week, and she has two, so I am sure we will be talking a lot more soon.
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Quote:And I don’t mind the derail, it’s an interesting conversation
Great, glad to hear it.
Quote:At the moment not much more has been said between us….although the wake up attention this morning speaks volumes about her continuing attraction and love for me.Well that sounds positive so far, I’m happy for you.
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Hi Cathy,
The first step is always the hardest one. On a positive side, its out there now and you can have more deep and meaningful conversations with your wife about who you are, how much you love her and obviously, want to be with her. I’m sure there was initial shock, perhaps becuase you had kept it from her and you may have eroded you relationship slightly. Remember, women have a great capacity to understand things and see them in a different light. She will be contending with several things: Mosty the dynamic of the family structure. You will need to be gentle with her and when she asks you questions, be sure to do your best in answering them in depth. Short answers probably wont do.
I wish you well and admire your courage and devotion to your loved one.
You will have to start to buy your own clothes though,, Girls don’t like to share all that much (lol) -
Whilst I do remember very clearly many times as a child wishing I was a girl, I don’t feel that now. I just want to dress for a night or a day here or there. My nephew who is my age transitioned a few years ago and her family disowned her with the exception of her mother.
My issue is that I want my wife to be part of it, to accept me as me, whatever clothes I wear. I want her to have fun with it! However this is in reality a dream. It has been a shock to her and she told our therapist today that whilst she still loves me and finds me sexually attractive, she dosnt want anything to do with Cathy. She dosnt even know I have a name yet! Let alone look better than her in her own clothes. (Might leave that one for a bit) ok that was a bit bitchy.
She needs to learn more about crossdressing and about me so that she can accept, understand and live with me and Cathy. Or have i got that wrong and she is right? oh and She needs to give me more space in the closet!
I need to be patient and give her time, space and understand that this is something that she may/will not ever understand….and if that’s the case so be it. Regardless I think need to be happy and proud of who I am. I am getting there….hope she can too.
Cathy
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Quote:She needs to learn more about crossdressing and about me so that she can accept, understand and live with me and Cathy. Or have i got that wrong and she is right?I think you are correct in saying that your wife should learn more about cross dressing. Greater knowledge might actually make it easier to understand and move more towards accepting. The challenge is to get her to want to learn more. As confrontational and disquietening as she may find your cross dressing delving deeper into it might be even more so.
Quote:I need to be patient and give her time, space and understand that this is something that she may/will not ever understand….and if that’s the case so be it.One thing we sometimes forget when we finally tell others of our need to cross dress is how long it has taken us to become comfortable with the idea. When I finally told my wife, after nearly 27 years of marriage (at that stage) I knew I couldn’t expect her to understand and accept instantly so I told her I’d give her all the time she needed to get her head around it. She took a while before she was willing to even see photos of me cross dressed but because I didn’t rush her she actually moved ahead really quickly. It has now been four years and we’ve been out together as girlfriends, attended support group functions as a couple and most recently have had one of our daughters join us. Patience and time does work!
Quote:Regardless I think need to be happy and proud of who I am. I am getting there….hope she can too. CathyPerhaps that’s something you should tell her – but I’d leave out the bit about needing more closet space, oh, and the ‘bitchy’ bit too. 😉
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Here I declare a “pecuniary interest”. I feel as if Cathy and I have become “TGR friends” since she joined and I have expressed my thoughts to her on her “coming out” in quite a few private e.mails.
All I will state here is, aside from Jane’s remarks about “wishing and a hoping” that Cathy’s wife will accept Cathy as she is, (very difficult proposition to put to a “SO” whom has just “found out”), I totally agree with Jane’s comments.
So from all of us on TGR, “ggod luck Cathy”
Caty
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Hi there,
I’ve been following this thread for the last few days. I have the greatest respect for both you, Cathy, and your wife. It is a harder thing than we think to be truly honest within our relationships, and it sounds like you are both committed to doing that in respectful ways.
You said tht it might be helpful for your wife to have access to information and support – maybe not now, but perhaps further down the track.
I wanted to let you (and anyone else who might be interested) that A Gender Agenda has a partners support group. There is an email list and the group meets face to face for a full day workshop twice a year. We get great feedback from these workshops – they provide partners with a safe space to talk about their concerns, to share common experiences, to learn from one another, and also the space to talk about some of the good bits – for example, the increased honesty and closeness that can be brought to a relationship. The workshops are facilitated by our psychologist who has been working with us for the last three years and has a fabulous way of working with these issues. The psychologist is also available for individual or couple counselling sessions.
We are based in Canberra, but obviously our email list can be accessed from anywhere. We can also provide information and even counselling over the phone. We’ve had partners travel from rural NSW, Victoria, Brisbane and Adelaide to attend our workshops in the past. The date for the next workshop hasn’t yet been locked in – but it will be in the first few months of next year.
It may be that now is not the right time – but I figure that it’s always good to have information like this…
All the best to both of you in this next little bit eh?
Peter
A Gender Agenda
http://www.genderrights.org.au
(02) 6162 1924 -
A Lovely and compelling story,partially out there.Partner knows what I do but doesn’t fully embrace it.XNadesha
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Quote:All I will state here is, aside from Jane’s remarks about “wishing and a hoping” that Cathy’s wife will accept Cathy as she is, (very difficult proposition to put to a “SO” whom has just “found out”), I totally agree with Jane’s comments.
I didn’t actually make the comment regarding “wishing and hoping” – I was quoting Cathy but I see your point. That’s what I was trying to say when talking about giving her time – it is, indded, a very difficult proposition to put. The rawness of just having found out will take time to subside before any meaningful progress can be made, but progress is possible.
Like all of us I wish both Cathy and her wife well.
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Sorry to misquote you Jane,
But as we have all said we are trying to help Cathy as best we can.
Caty
