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Helping our Partners
Hi Everyone,
Just wondering if any of the accepting partners out there would like to put pen to paper and try to help us give our partners a better understanding of us. I know it’s a complex and sometimes heartbreaking subject, but so many of us are faced with the prospect of trying to explain it all to our significant others. Sometimes when it comes from an entirely different source, maybe it might help. I don’t know I’m just trying to get a thread going that might help us all. Yes, times are changing, but it’s still a difficult subject to broach with your partner. Even though times are changing, there’s still a lot of ingrained subconscious thoughts that people have been brought up with. You all know what I mean… Boys don’t wear Pink and all that.
I just thought that a partners point of view might help the women out there understand us just a bit better. We fantasize about so many scenarios in our lives, but when it comes to the reality, it doesn’t seem to eventuate. I guess our minds eye looks at things in a very different light to how it really is. What do they say, Rose Coloured Glasses. I know there’s no simple solution and every situation is different, but surely there’s a common thread. I for one, want to live a simple and harmonious life and being able to communicate with my wife about this topic is always a very nerve wracking experience. How do you feel? Curious to hear from anyone about your experiences.
Thanks in advance,
Jessica -
20 Replies
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Hi Jessica,
I am afraid I don’t have an answer as I am in pretty much the same place as you, i.e. it’s an extremely awkward and uncomfortable conversation every time. But I would love to hear anyone’s answers!
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A worthy request .
I will ask my partner what were the major things that have helped her reach the point she is now with respect to acceptance. It has involved a long period of time. However even now I bring new challenges for her to face.
That raises a conundrum If you do reach a state of acceptance by your partner make sure you are aware when you might reach breaking point in expanding your Trans activity. -
Thank you Caroline, I think it is a topic that we are all faced with during our journey. Yes, you are right, we always need to be constantly aware of how everyone in the relationship is fairing. We must never abuse the privilege that is afforded us.
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To the Partners of TG Persons from Caroline’s Partner
1. Try to realise that this is something about their personality that your loved one has probably been dealing with for a long time and is constantly worried about the effect it may have on the relationship. It takes time to understand this but you will learn that it is something they cannot change about themselves. Above all else consider your relationship is worth preserving despite some difficulties that may now prevail. It takes some time.. be patient .. talk often..
2. Your partner probably has many friends in the TG community . This is very important to them in being able to share the various problems they face and share some social time together. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable about meeting some of Caroline’s friends but after quite a few years I now regard them as friends of mine also . I was originally nervous about meeting them but I now realise that feeling was wrong.
3. Advice in this case to the TG person.. SLOW is good for your partner. as a TG person don’t try to accelerate your desires to be female to the extent that your partner cant cope with it. That will end in chaos. Partners remind them they need to take things gradually. To the Partner IF they are going to FAST tell them to SLOW down!!!
4. Again to the TG person . Partners have a genuine ONGOING concern about the Safety of their TG partner venturing out in public. take care if you are going out socially, don’t take risks in going to places that you are not familiar with it will make them very worried about you and will only make things more difficult in the long term
5. For Both continue to talk openly about how you are feeling about everything be prepared to compromise a little sometimes.
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Caroline, thank your partner so much for her wise words. Wonderful to see two people who make it work by considering each other’s needs and welfare. A fortunate couple indeed.
Geraldine -
Hi Caroline,
Yes, thank you for the reply from your partner. I know it is a difficult subject and many of us face this in our journeys. Very wise words from your partner and will be very helpful to many of us.
Regards,
Jessica -
Thank you, Caroline, for posting that reply from your partner. It’s a timely reminder to me because I get so absorbed in all things Tina. I try to put my wife first at all times when I am not being Tina, but I need to constantly remind myself that there is a lot in my head that she doesn’t know and that the space needs to be cleared so that I can give her the attention she deserves. After Transformal and the Seahorse Ball I do realise that there are wonderful friends and their partners I am sure she would benefit from meeting. In time she will, I am sure…
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And thank you Jessica for raising the subject. And I know my reply is in my own personal context rather than general advice, sorry, I can’t help relating it to myself, I know I am not completely ‘sorted’, so I don’t have much in the way of answers….
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I get the feeling that this is still a problem for some of you in relationships with partners who are having difficulty coping with the existence of an unexpected female persona they didnt know about .when they started the relationship.
Transformals in recent years had Partners sessions to share experiences. ..my own partner attended all.
BUT I realise not all partners would come to an event like Transformal and therefore how do we reach out to those partners who are trying to cope with a TG partner.I’m giving this some serious thought as to how to help.
I suspect a quiet location perhaps with a little Wine and food might be a convivial possibility
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stay tuned.Caroline
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Wonderful idea Caroline. It might also need a one page welcome composed to present the most rudimentary introduction to crossdressing and transgender existence and probably even more important, proposing the idea that in a relationship it is necessary to accept the difficulties of life, both of your lives; positing that in that light crossdressing is like ill health, unemployment or in-law troubles. They are to be accepted and used to grow together. And such things can strengthen the idea of having each other’s backs. Normalising what they may see as exceptional and impossible may be a valuable step.
There may well be some partners that can’t grasp some basics of committed relationships who might benefit from such an introduction and who might be prepared to then venture to the sort of meeting you are proposing.
Geraldine -
My objective is to identify a location, Sydney metro based , find a professional healthcare person , probably a Psychologist, willing to help , prepare a suitable agenda and commentary and then of course , extend an Invitation to attend. I d like to get a list of questions from those attending that they would like to have answered , essentially run the event like a Q&A panel discussion which we’ve done at Transformal
A target date of end January should be achievable .
There are of course many you tube videos that discuss this issue and may already have been viewed by some partners? but I sometimes wonder if they have helped or have made situations worse.
One thing I will need at some point , is an Indication of how many partners might actually attend such an event.??
That to me is a challenge in itself…. people can change their minds at the last minute but I can understand that.
This issue has made me think that Partners may be in one of Four Sets and I accept any critique that im oversimplifying in describing these. it’s just a starting point.Set A are those partners who have managed over time to accept their Partners TG/
activities and may also have accepted their partner being on CG Hormone Therapy, I’d obviously like to have some of those on my panel!Partners in Set B might be those who are having problems with understanding and acceptance but are willing to learn more and perhaps accompany their non dressed partner to such a Meeting.
The partners in Sets C and D may unfortunately not be ready for such an event and perhaps never will be! In other words
Set C may condone /TG in limited circumstances but wish it would go away and are not of a view to change their thinking.Set D are those who are strongly disapproving and the relationship is threatened / stressed if the X dressing/ TG experience continues.
I feel for those in such a situation , just not sure how to address that at the momentWhile I know some partners in Set A, Our TGR Survey.. cant tell us much at all really about the numbers in Sets B C & D!!
So…. those partners who are in Set B logically would be the audience we may be able to possibly influence.
Id be happy if we Improved the situation in just two relationships as a result of this , anything more than that is a bonus.
I’m hoping you will accept that Im thinking of this seriously… it’s not just a fantasy.!!!
Ive made contact with a health group today that seem willing to assist but the person who I need to speak to is away for a week.
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Caroline, thanks so much for all your hard work. This is a great idea. Even better it conjures up Venn Diagrams.
My partner is typing up questions as we speak. It is interesting that she visits all four sets depending on the situation. She is cool with it as an idea, tolerant of me going out, extremely uncomfortable about being seen with me and sometimes briefly visits Set D too. -
This is my generalized
view of how partners may be represented -
Caroline wrote:Our TGR Survey.. cant tell us much at all really about the numbers in Sets B C & D!!Oh yes it can if you filter the raw data.
Assuming that your target population is partners who live in NSW – who are either in a legal or permanent relationship with someone who completed the survey.
27 are in Group A because they described their partner as supportive
21 are in Group B because they described their partner as tolerant but not supportive
12 are in either Group C or D because they either don’t know that their partner is transgender, or they are hostile to acknowledging what they do know.Of course the actual numbers will be larger because not everyone in Australia completed the survey!!!
And now before you ask, I don’t have the email addresses of the 21 in Group B because the survey was genuinely anonymous! -
Not sure i can really trust survey responses to questions on acceptance etc because responses can be influenced by aspiration rather than reality.
Nevertheless we have a target group we can aspire to try to help
