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how to tell my wife?
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It is very disturbing to see short sightness and tunnel vision from some critics. I can read betwwen the lines.
You can come to a opinion from your own experiences and suggest to others what you experienced, but you cannot judge if you havn’t walked in their shoes SHAME
This reminds me of a traffic incident. A person indicated to go between you and the car in front. There is no room and the person still moves over to get between. The person behind sound the horn of inpending danger and slows to avoid collision as the person moving in keeps comming. Who is in the wrong? To any outsider the person behind is probably at fault for not letting the other driver in. No one would have stopped and thought the person behind may not have seen the indicators. Why? The person is tall and the rear vision mirror uniquely hids most of the vehicle wanting to come in, including both indicators. Would you have thought of that?
Back to my situation. I know what I think is best for my situation but will listen to various advices and ask, to see if the advice fits our unique situation. As many girls know, the fallout can be disasterious. If you walk in totally femme she could have a coronary.
I am on my way to 24/7, but a slow, bring her up to speed I feel is better in this situation as the relationship between my SO would have a greater chance of surviving which I feel we would both like. That is why I surveyed my SO to her thoughts on these matters. At least I am planning to tell her but as for others who don’t, that is their situation, unique to them, as I can suggest, but ridicule them, no, as I do not walk their walk.
If my SO and I split for agruments sake. Would you know what is to become of her later? Well I do and the future is not bright for my SO. That is something a outsider would not know. So I have to be sure of what I want by doing it. If I like it I will tell. If I didn’t I could back out and both be safe as if nothing happened.
I close to tell but slowly
Jane Anderson -
SHAME is a strong word! Jane, you have obviously taken grave offence to my opinions.
I have lost the love of my life as she could not deal with my Femme self so I know well how hard these things can be. However , I was honest with her from the start, we tried to compromise for ten years, it did not work. She cannot say that I deceived her and I can be proud that I was honest and will always have my dignity. She has told me that she loves and respects me for that.
I am not trying to tell you what to do or how you should feel. I am putting out my opinion. I am sorry if you take offence but I believe that my opinion still is one for which I need feel no shame! -
Christina, I am a person who welcomes opinions and will go out and seek these opinions. Your opinion is valued but it is from your perspective as with others. I always survey peoples opinions on many situations in case there is something I may have missed as I am a mere human being. I embrace all opinions, but then I have a range of the opinions from all areas. Then I have to decide which one, or part of, suits my situation. I get the feeling you are hostile towards me for not taking your point of view and acting accordingly. But my situation is different and I feel at peace with that decision.
You can lead a horse to water but it is up to the horse to drink. If the horse is not thirsty then the horse doesn’t drink. But you may not know that for sure.
I apaude you for your directness for YOUR situation but your situation is different to mine. Your wife may be self sufficient, have a job and maybe qualifications, assuming.
But my SO doesn’t and I will lead her up to speed slowly short of telling her about FFS and SRS which is a unknown turning point for us and that is why I saw our mediator. He said she married me and by becoming female, I am changing the rules and the outcome is questionable. But during this time ie 18 months perhaps I will leave her with the crossdressing component. During this time I am working on projects to make her self sufficent in life without hardship should she decide to leave when I tell her I would like to go all the way. I would feel a lot better that she is totally self sufficient. I owe her that well being. Telling her now could make a hasty split and where will she end up? And that is why I am doing it this way.
Jane -
Yes . . well the trickiest Q of all . .
In an Ideal world truth , honesty and tolerance would of course rule , everyone would agree on what’s right and what’s wrong . . and all would be well with the world and everyone would live happily ever after .
But the reality is we don’t live in an Ideal world due to the fact that human nature is unpredicatable and irrational .
Telling any prospective partner from the out-set is laudable enough but what if the out-set , or “on-set”, only happens long after the relationship has become established .
. . . . . “Oh , honey I thought you should know that while you’re out shopping I’ve recently developed the need to slip on your panties and masturbate “Just how honest do you have to be though ? Perhaps you could leave out the masturbating part ? But wouldn’t that still be deceit ?
And anyway does risking screwing up a marriage by owning up to an innocent pantie fetish in the name of “Honsety” the best thing to do for all concerned . . I mean you might have kids ?
Or would it be more expedient to keep quiet about it all on a “need to know” basis , least harm , for the greater good , etc , etc .
Maybe only confess when the fetish has evolved to include bra and panties , or perhaps not even untill the make-up and wig start going on too ?
. . And then do you admit to your partner to wanting to have sex with other crossdressers or perhaps better to leave that part out . But then you’re still engaging in deceit again aren’t you !Truth , honesty , deceit , trust , etc are only concepts , there really are no absolutes here , none of them stand up well to close intellectual scrutiny and anyway everybody’s individual ccncept of them differs , from slighlty to radically .
So what’s my point ?
My point is that there’s no difinitive answer to the question of whether to tell or not to tell . . . all advice is merely relative .
What price do you put on honesty ?
You may well live a double life undetected for your whole life or you might get found out with messy consequences or you may be honest with equally messy consequences .
You just gotta ask yourself . . are you feeling lucky ? . . Well are ya , gurl ?Sorry I couldn’t be more helpfull . . . but that’s life .
Kisses
Ronda
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As someone who has just told their wife about being TG, it was the most wonderful, but scary thing i have ever done, but pick the moment if you are and whatever you do don’t rush into it. We all have choices and my two choices were to tell her or act on very dark thoughts, I obviously have chosen the right way as to the way I feel, but whatever you do, do it for yourself and not for anybody else..be happy
Carol
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I have been critised and supported. I thank both sides
I went for a soft approach BUT instead of months, it was weeks
On thursday 26th I went to my speech therapist and counsellor and said to both in the next day or so I will tell part of the story and from then upgrade over the next couple of months.
I waited for the right moment, which ended up on Sunday. My SO and self spoke about gay, trannies, and other, and not knowing what I was in the previous weeks. So I said that the results were transgenderism. I had to define what transgenderism is in relation to crossdressers, trannies and gay people. I also told her of some of my proposals and some history.
Her jaw dropped and could have bounced a couple of times. She was very troubled by just that information and in the coming days spoke to various professionals about this. I was glad I didn’t tell her the lot then and there. She advised me that we should see our councillor, doctors and other professionals. She went to see our previous councillor for advice as he had more experience in this area.
On Thursday 2nd August she decided to come to the shop. She demanded to get the full story. I said that it is best to do it slowly but she demanded the full story and evidence. She pleaded, so I gave in a let her the full story. Everything including FF , SRS, SPEECH TRERAPY, GENDER CENTRE , Hormones, proposed 24/7 etc. It was a emotional moment.Last night we had a beautiful time together and we talked and hugged. I got a massage. She wished she had known earlier. I am glad she didn’t otherwise she would have talked me out of it. I am also glad I did do it in stages as in hindsight she could not have coped with the full barrel, regardless of what she said. Yes I did dress up.
Results as current : She doesn’t like it but accepts it. I have agreed to see the people she suggested, modified because I have seen a few through the gender centre. She will accept the outcome. She is afraid for me as she has been associated and gone out with trannies, of whom some were bashed.
She is also afraid of losing me after SRS as I may be interested in men then. Also some concern about my appearances through this phase ie long hair and my business
After my last client I can get changed get into the car, change into full femme and go home and walk around in full femme, weeknights, all weekend when not working etc. Limitations are visitors, both clients.
Her advantage is helping housework, washing, cleaning toilets, showers etc and all the female things that females do generally do in the home.
I also get femme advice in bra’s , fashion etc.
Hey!! I got one up on her. She did not know about lip plumpers he he heI really is a relief. The cat is out of the bag. The dust is settling
Jane Anderson
Update 8/10/7
All is well. My SO has been very stuborn and interfering looking after me heath wise. See this doctor, that doctor. Very supportive and accepting
Georgette [Jane] Anderson
Update 11/12/7
Still together. She goes out with me to transgender meets. Still buy some clothes. My favourite dresses and tops are disappearing so I am back to hiding some. But my SO is missing out on intimancy and that is a real issue and I change more and more physically. She is into numbers that are successifull so Georgette Tina is a agreed selection. We are considering changing our birth certificate accordingly soon and I will slowly open up Georgette to the world
My SO also reads a lot of books on transgenderism, trying to get answers of what causes transgenderism. Understandably she would like male me or even a shemale. One idea she came across is more than the usual concentration of heavy metal in the body
Georgette Tina Jane Anderson -
Quote:Her advantage is helping housework, washing, cleaning toilets, showers etc and all the female things that females do generally do in the home.
I don’t get why people STILL say this…
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I believe that Ronda has summed up the potential problems very well. I’m in a situation where my SO won’t discuss the situation and appears to refuse to believe that I might want to do something as silly as wearing women’s underwear. If I push the point, the results could be messy. Ok, our kids are grown up and not living at home, but this could make the SO more inclined to end the relationship.
Keeping this hidden is hard but it looks like it’s the only option I have at this time. I didn’t start dressing until we’d been married for about 20 years, so I can’t be accused of having hidden anything at the start of our relationship. I admit, that like a lot of other girls, I did experiment with my sister’s and mother’s underwear as a child, but there was nothing of significance since then. My sexuallity was a bit confused for a while because of quite a few years of sexual abuse by a neighbour when I was young, but at the time that I got married, I had no idea that I would be desperate to wear lingerie later in life. So, should hiding my CD side be considered deceitfule? I don’t really know. What I do know is that it seems to be the best thing at this time. I’ll continue to try to talk to my SO about it, but I get the feeling that that won’t work.
So, please don’t criticise those of us who can’t tell our SOs about our CDing. Many of us will have tried and failed, and many of us know that telling will result in too many problems. Each of us is different, please accept that and please accept that we have a better understanding of the potential problems that may result from telling.
Pauline.
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Ladies,
From what I have read over the years it is quite evident that everyone’s disclose is different as is their journey.
The main thing that we seek is understanding and hopefully with that acceptance but it does not necessarily follow.
At the same time, we should be exhibiting the same qualities. However, this may prove difficult if the communication lines are not there.Unfortunately, there is no simple solution.
Cheers,
Wendy
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Well the dust is still settling.
If you know the song Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by (Rupert Holmes)
A relationship getting dull and both partners escape and end up dating each other by chance, finding out they have something in common drinking Pina Colada’s and getting caught in the rain.Well I didn’t know how my SO was going to respond. I thought I was going to lose everthing and was prepared BUT in reverse my SO is exited about my boobs and the mini skirts and dressing up. Something she didn’t even know herself as we found out. Actually she is looking forward to me being a she-male, sort of.
For my birthday the 6th I got a frilly 2 piece nitie, bag of makeup, Kylie undies, bra’s and top. Now my away wardrobe in intregrating with the new stuff at home and finding a place for it all.
Today we went out and shopped for more clip coat hangers, make up and couple of sports minimiser bras as my breasts continue to grow and will need them daily soon.
She is a little disturbed about feminising the voice as the person she knows is becoming a different person and at SRS the will be nothing left of the old me.
As expected in previous replies she has told the family and a couple of her friends against my wishes. They have all accepted it and wish us well with no malice.
My SO is also looking forward to coming with me to transgender meetings as well
One of my new jobs is to repair clothes with the sewing machine as I know how to use it and she doesn’t.
She is doing all the makeup and last nite was a trial run, mmm, not bad.
From what I have seen around, many are not lucky at all. But leave your mind open that it could be possible a Pina Colada situation could result.
I am not counting my chickens just yet. I does look positive.
Tomorow, Wednesday my shoulder long hair is going to be done in coservative femme style, but still plainly femme at first glance to be tied back in male mode. My SO wanted to do my hair, but it was a job trying to get a hairdresser to do it.
Keep you all posted from time to time.
Jane Anderson -
You’re right Wendy, there are no fixed or simple answers to this problem. How I wish there was.
I am glad for you Jane. Your journey will be made a lot easier because you SO is at least willing to accept who you are. I don’t have a desire to do a full transition, but can accept other girl’s needs to do so. All I want is to be able to dress when I want to.
Pauline.
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Well the dust is still settling and everything is going allright so far.
My SO seem a little betrayed by my not telling her but at the same time she also understands. She is seeing me slowly transform and away from the man she married.
In a retro I said to her do you want me to buy mostashe like the one I had. The answer is no. She says she like the new me more than the old. WOW!! WOOPEEE!!!She is still buying all the girlie stuff as I type.
She also has some corcern that after SRS that I would leave her for a man. I told here, extremely unlikely.
After some throwing around of ideas we both agreed to change my first name for Jane to Georgette or Georgie for short. She will be calling me Georgette at home soon. Hope she remembers when we have visitors.
Over the next week or so you will see my name change coming into effect. This first name will be the one that I will take for the rest of my life. The surname, Anderson will change at FF to my original surname in 17 months or so. Georgette will reflect my male name. My SO was not to keen on JaneGeorgette Anderson
Update
It is now December 28 2008
I have put off full time female for a while and SRS as a result of hormone releasing agents and feminine hormones slowly changing my body into a more pleasing feminine shape. It is very noticable and plenty of people have commented but I am after more ideal results until I am ready to walk the streets
A few longterm friends have mentioned that I now look no where near what I did 3 years ago and my SO has also acknowledged that. She is accepting my dressing around the house and yard but I still change for visitors. Apart from those times I am dressed 95% as a female. I do get occasional comments like “can you come home as a man for a change”
I still at this stage do not go out in public to any great degree due to my height and size but that will change in due course as weight comes down and hormones make me more presentable. I do get comments from my SO when my face become quite feminine OVERALL, although individual features like nose and eyes etc are still male like. In male mode I tie my hair back and go braless in warmer weather or crop top in cooler months.
Currently in summer I go braless and my SO has commented on my white protruding pointers. White pointers are created with the female hormones and growth hormone releasing agents. They are pointed and firm with no sag as a young GG.
My SO has said this on a few occasions ” Useless as tits on a bull” I got a little jack of it after a while and when she said that again I added ” ….. and a fifty year old woman” She has left her comment alone after that .
She is concerned about my tits showing to much. I just go out like that and forget about it and be myself. No back lash except for one which will start a new topic
All OK so far. in general
GeorgetteUpdate 4/4/9
After the girlie honeymoon period things have settled. Maybe she now realises this is not some passing fad but a real problem.
Although I dress as I please around the house she prefers me to be a male and I can’t blame her I suppose.
I get a few preference comments like ” I like your bottom half ” because I am wearing [woman] pants, not a skirt.
She believes me becoming a woman has stablised, as there are not many obvious advances in that direction. The current major hurdle is in progress, with weight loss, GRADUAL facial changes and younger looking with growth hormone releasing agents and supporting products.
In less than a year now I will be satisfied that I will be near the best I can be and ready to go near full time.
At this stage I believe there will be no break up.
The alarm bells will ring with nose and ear surgery
The crunch will come with SRS, when and where.
Again time will tell
Georgette -
Hi girls
Reading this thread has been a bit of a roller coaster, to say the least!I was married for 10 years and that whole time was fighting my own demons about my gender idientity and sexuality. Since I didn’t know who or what I was when I got married, really I couldnt have been more honest with the X (that is, I did my best to tell her what I new at the time). That didnt help the fact that it wasnt “honest” enough, in her veiw; she never got over it. Being fundalmentalist christians didnt help either! There were a few reason that have nothing to do with the “non-straight” nature of her husband for our break up, but needing to frock on sure didnt help!
In recent, much happier times, I have been just as honest wih my current SO. Right from the start. A good policy (but a luxury if you’re not at the start now). Even then, while I pretty much new who I was, I was still working out how to express it (for me, falling in love with a straight GG was NOT in plan and threw me a bit!). Well, anyway, my current SO is a supportive, loving person who wants to see me happy and sees I’m usually happiest en femme, so she likes and supports that (she’s even going to go into Myers and ask if her CD partner can discretely try on some shoes!!! God love her!!).
I think someone already said, you get a feel for the reaction by the kind of person they are. The only thing I wanted to add (until I started writing about ME!!!.. sorry!) is that despite how liberal their views and open their attitudes, if they’ve been lied to, or, should I say, a big secret has been kept from them, they may well be hurt and distrustful as a result.
Also, a straight GG SO may well fear further revelations, such as sexual activities and SRS. Even if one does not feel the need for transitioning and screams it from the hill tops, if CD’ing has been kept a secret, the SO may be dubious and fearful of more secrets.
One last thing (honest!); when I my marriage broke up I read a good about what the straight spouse goes through when they find their partner is gay called “The other side of the closet” (cant remember who wrote it, got it from our public library). For me it was relevant, but I think it would also be useful when one partner is a Tgirl.
Am now reading “My Husband Betty” by Helen Boyd. More on the topic than the last but equally good for getting one’s head around what our SOs go through.
Hope that was of use to someone out there. Please take this in the apirit in which it was written
hugs and walk in pride
Sarah -
Hi! I’ve just been reading this thread. The subject caught my attention because this month has been my first month full time fem
Prior to that, I was just depressed, horrible and angry. (Ok, there is a lot of back story, but none related directly to Gender Identity, so lets skip that.)I’ve been cross dressing privately for years, whenever my wife and children went out and I was home alone. I just felt more comfortable. I thought it might have just been some kind of “release” from the stresses that my wife and I have to endure, but then I use to do it when I lived alone.
I was invited out for a night by a girlfriend I’d recently met online. She knew my desires and insisted that if we were to meet, I be Girl. I was nervous about the idea, but agreed. Afterall, I’m in the film and entertainment industry and hey, I could just be “dressing up” for fun – right?
Anyway, I broke this slowly to my sweetie. Then on the day of the “date” asked if she’d do my makeup. She agreed and we had a bit of fun. During that time I started to tell her about how I was feeling.
She was rather amused, saying that she always felt there was something very feminine about me, I’m not like other men, which is why she likes me.
So it all came out fast. I went out, had a great time in public, the centre of Parramatta, for a few hours, no one bat an eye. It was great!
My sweetie and I discussed our children. Tell them or not? Hide this or not? For a week I was coming and going via the garage not the front door. It was annoying me. Although it was kinda fun too
I felt like a teenager sneaking out I went to the Gender Centre drop in that week in the evening and had a great time chatting to others. I decided to do the day time Drop-in as well, it gave me an excuse to go out in the light, rather than like some kind of vampire!
Of course that was the week the daytime drop in was canceled and there was no notice, until I got there and read the sign on the door
I was dissapointed, but nicely dressed and in the car. I called my wife and said “Honey, I’m on my way home, I’m COMING IN”
She said “Don’t you mean coming out?”
I said not, COMING IN – through the FRONT DOOR.
So when I got home, I got out of the car, walked to the front door to be greeted by my wife, and my four children!
It was awesome! My two year old walked around me, looking me up and down, then grabbed my legs and nearly knocked me over. Balance in heels can be a problem at times!
My 4 year old covered her face and burst into smiles. My 7 year old said “OH MY GOD” and my 9 year old ran away to the bedroom laughing.
Anyway that afternoon we went through my wifes wardrobe. We happen to the the same size
A big fashion show took place, was a lot of fun. I had four little judges and one big one!We split the wardrobe into “Her” “Ours” and “Mine” and the other one is “His” (hasn’t had any use the last three weeks! Time to purge??)
Only thing I have to buy is shoes
Damnit!So from that day on wards, I’ve been all fem! I’ve been happier and fuller and less internally combative.
My sweetie says that I am 1000% happier than I have been the last four years.
On Wednesday morning she specially got up at 6 AM to do my makeup for Court. We wanted to really create a perfect impression – and to get into court and not be recognised by the Judge, my own father or the barristers for the Defendants who have been in and out of court with us the last three years was so uplifting and powerful! The moment of reveal was just so intense, but I felt so good!
I guess my situation is I didn’t need to tell my father or mother or sister or aunty’s and uncles. We have been so ostracized from the extended family the last four years they mean nothing to us now. I just wish I knew what they have been talking about since Wednesday morning!
My wife even says I’m a much nicer person when I’m in a skirt and heels, probably because I feel more myself, rather than a character that is expected to behave in a particular way.
The moral to this story, you have to be you and you have to be honest not only to yourself but your loved ones. If you can’t be honest, you aren’t the person they think they know.
Jane, I note that you and your partner are in some pretty heavy counselling. You haven’t really detailed what, other than the recent transition bits and it seems your partner is more interested in getting professional opinion.
My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10. This has probably been the only “secret” I’ve kept form her because I’ve been conforming to the perception that society demanded of me. She always knew something but wasn’t sure what. After all I bought all her clothes, chose her shoes, even buy her bras and panties! No, not a control thing, she just likes my taste, my choices and I like to see her dressed nice
Now she says I can buy clothes for me and she’ll borrow them instead!
So here I am, four an a bit weeks into a whirlwind journey that doesn’t have a defined destination. We still have all the Court battles to deal with, we have to repair the damage done to me four years ago that the State has graciously ignored and tried to pretend never happened (Never believe you are invulnerable, I did and now I know how vulnerable I was in my own deception) and we have careers to advance, once my father is out of the picture and not interfering.
I can imagine how hard it is for some to come out to family, but it’s all part of your own denial and deception if you aren’t prepared to put your true self on the line. If your partner up and leaves – were they really there for you in the first place?
I’m still the same person I was, I think the same things, I have the same passions, in fact to be honest I am a far better person. I want to release the artists in my, learn to draw the pictures I visualise all the time, rather than hope that I can take a photo of the image on the chance it self composes.
As to “womens jobs” around the house. You are kidding? We don’t have womens jobs in our house. Although I don’t do a lot of the washing and cooking, I have a huge load of things on my task list that I do that my partner can’t. And she really is an awesome cook! Far better than I’ll ever be!
She is still MUM to our Children and I’m still DAD. But I’m a lot more to everyone and that’s where we’re at now.
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Hi I recently had to admit I cross-dressed to my wife after she inadvertantly saw a photo of me dressed. We have split and I don’t think reconciliation is on the cards. She was shocked and being of high morals this revelation crossed boundaries she had never crossed. I am deeply hurt, moreso because of the way that Finality came so quickly. No discussion, no support etc. I was also subjected to a tirade from her daughter which was as vicious as it was filled with invective. The real paradox is that my son from a previous marriage, my sister and brother in law and mother are fully supportive. They are the ones who I considered may reject me. I see a counsellor in a week and need to talk with her. Up until then I would like to speak with my wife and at least try to give an apprecation of what I am going through by putting her through misery. In the end, the admission came out, it was a relief, but the repurcussions are hurting. I would like to ask for support and perhaps some coping mechanisms.
Thanks
Helen
