how to tell my wife?

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

Let me offer my own experience here – my wife will not leave me, nor will my kids, my job cant fire me for who I am, and my family prefers me now as Jennifer to who I became when I tried to be something I wasnt.

Honesty is the only way to know whether you are wasting your time with people or need to keep them in your life – those who knew me closely probably saw more of Jenni than ‘him’ all along. One friend said ‘but who did I love’ – I said “me” – the male mask I wore wasnt capable of love.

I found that my wife was a little concerned about the social problem of being somehow a lesbian, and was of course concerned that I would be bringing men home (why ? I’m married and I like women – sheesh!)

We separated over alcohol, not over gender issues, and the kids demanded to live with me. We are still married and may or may not reconcile. I have another partner who is TS – we have a different relationship from any I have ever had – an honest intimate friendship where nothing needs to be explained…

How do I have more than one partner ? by total honesty with EVERYONE I have relationships with – my first and primary relationship is self-love – if I cant love and accept who I am, how can I sell me to anyone else. From being honest with myself I am able to accept that some people can and will always be my friends (or closer), and some people will not.

What does this have to do with telling your wife ? Well – 1. it and sexuality and insecurity are the 3 highest concerns of many of this group, and 2. Being honest will show you who you should keep in your life and who really isnt going to work out…

Being honest with yourself about what you want most or if you want a balance will help you decide what outcome you want – you cant control how other people will react to your telling them, but you can create a safe honest discussion about who you are – and really *should* with your life partner(s)

Being in denial to yourself isnt healthy – maintaining yourself behind a fabric of lies or omissions is just as unhealthy.

I cant promise that other people will respond how you want them to – but do you want them to be honest and dependable or just superficial friends ?

Trust builds the strongest bridges.

Love to all

Jenni Green

[Anonymous]

Marty,

There is no 1 answer to your dilemna. If you are spending more than twice a week as a woman then you will probably get found out fairly soon anyway. It just isn’t possible to hide everything all the time.

My wife caught me fully dressed in a lovely skirt suit stockings wig lingerie and make-up several years ago. We sat down that day and talked, she was not happy in the least – first screaming and name calling and then tears. After the initial hysteria there was a round of why questions and finally the big question – are you gay or bi or what. I assured her that I was straight, that i loved her and that I loved and needed to be a woman occasionally. (This talk was more of a relief than anything else)

Some years later we have reached a concession and are still happy together. Although not accepting my CDing and not wanting to ever see ‘Suzanne’ again my wife does alows me to wear my own panties and to grow my hair long and have streaks. My wife has now taken on the role of the man in love making somewhat in that she initates the love making and kisses me around the neck and pushes me down climbing on top (I won’t go on but you get the message)

Bottom line is all wives are different as someone said earlier expect the worst and hope for the best or remain closeted.

Suzanne

[Anonymous]

Suzanne,

What you say reflects my experience, I was aske about being gay and going with prostitutes and said no. Since then though there has been no communication and I am now convinced our marriage is over. I do wonder why there was the very severe reaction, perhaps I tripped a circuit breaker in her mind and the act of cross dressing is too far left for her to accept. I’ll probably never know.

Helen

[Anonymous]

For what its worth
I just told my wife that there are occasions that I like to dress as a woman
What followed was tears, screaming and a whole host of other emotions, then the subject was dropped – ignored
Untill she discovered my home made forms a couple of months later
She then asked me to dress for her – mixed emotions here but no name calling or tears, just confusion I think
Although she does not like the idea, nor do I think she really accepts it at least she knows.
Softly softly is the approach and let her take the lead as we move fahead together.
I think the worst thing one could do is risk ‘discovery’ there is no control over when or where this happens, unless it is planned for and that is just cruel.
Outing yourself to your wife/partner is hard though.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, wow such a diverse range of opinions on this!

I lived for many years, including two long term relationships, sneaking and dressing in whatever clothes i could get my hands on and it was horrible! but I couldn’t stop, even though my well trained and indoctrinated ego said “pervert, wierdo etc”.

i had been doing this since i was a teenager and, after 30+ years and two failed relationships ( and 3 children) where I could not be honest with my partners, I met a lovely lady who fell in love with me and I with her. 😆

I decided that this time would be different so, before we got too serious, I told her about Mel. It was very hard to do,(and the first time I dressed for her I nearly died!!! 😯 ) but I decided that this relationship must be based on trust, honesty and openness if it was going to work. And I still belive this.

My 5 golden points for a healthy relationship are:

-Love
-Honesty
-Trust
-Communication
-Sharing

Without all of these things an intimate relationship is missing something and needs help. I hope I have learned from my past experiences and i do know that my current SO and I are happy together because we have all these things between us.

I wonder how many marital relationships founder after the gg finds out about the cd, not because he dresses in womens’ clothes, but because of the feeling of betrayal; “He doesn’t trust me enough to have told me about this, he has not been honest with me, he never talked to me about it and I am supposed to be his partner in life, I am an outsider in this,” and possibly much more along those lines.

If the wife/partner is going to leave and/or make trouble for you because you are a crossdresser, then something is already missing in the relationship. however once the baloon goes up give them some time to adjust to the new (for them ) circumstances. On the plus side they now know all of you and the opportunity is there for real openness and honesty.

My SO was totally shocked at first, but now she loves it when I am here and she also loves it when my male self is here, she loves all of me spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I had the opportunity to start afresh, but many of us are in long term relationships ( often including children) and may find it very difficult to tell their partner their secret, it is up to each on of us to find our own path.

I just know that I could never again be in a relationship which does not encompass all of the 5 points I noted above.

I send you all much love and wish you joy, peace and fulfillment in you lives.

Mel :flower:

[Anonymous]

Quote:

My 5 golden points for a healthy relationship are:

-Love
-Honesty
-Trust
-Communication
-Sharing

Without all of these things an intimate relationship is missing something and needs help. I hope I have learned from my past experiences and i do know that my current SO and I are happy together because we have all these things between us.

Very much agreed.

Although, it seems people always miss out in acknowledging one very crucial aspect in developing a long term relationship…which is FUN. Without plenty of fun, any relationship is doomed to failure IMO…

[Anonymous]

I totally agree with the five points. My wife lost trust in me when she found out. She considers Cross Dressing to be somethiNg deviants indulge in. To her it is far too left of centre to accept, therefore she cannot understand why I dress. I spoke with her recently and she can or will not accept it is a part of me. I can see her point of view as her upbringing and values are at odds with my dressing.

I am hoping we will remain as friends, but the sad part of the breakup is now we both realise that the marriage is over. I can be philosophical about it and say the eventual admission was a relief as the stress of having a secret was no longer there. However being honest has destroyed our marriage.

I hold no grudges to my wife as one of the things I loved in her was her high moral stand.

Helen

[Anonymous]

I’m a bit new to this – & my marriage has recently broken down because i started hormones but …….. as long as you are sure that crossdressing is as far as it goes … then it is far easier to be a woman inside the house & a male outside ……. I believe in being honest… you are who you are & the more you hide it the more stressed you become. if that’s all it is then tell your wife & discuss it with her, maybe you can set aside some time for yourself to be true to yourself with her help. most women would rather work on a relationship than throw it away. most wives didn’t marry a woman, they married a man & this is the main point – If you can still be a man in outward appearences then the wife is more able to accept when you need you time.