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Sexual preferences and gender roles
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This one really ‘Bakes my noodle’ !
I struggle so much with this; I know I am not about to have a sex change or anything like that. I am happy with being either when I choose, but fundamentally underneath it all a male.
The relationship part (and with it associated attraction) has always caused me a lot of anguish and soul searching.
I have two situations: As a man, I tend to I seek out relationships with women and those who present as women. As a woman, I try (note the subtle difference) to have relationships with men or women and those who present as women. I think I always try for the ‘Look’ of a binary relationship (or the less stigmatised lesbian relationship). I guess I am trying to ‘Fit’ the accepted social patterning for relationships. I realise that I shouldn’t, but I have always found it better not to draw any more attention than necessary to my situation, And no matter how I try, I simply cannot do boy-on-boy. I know, I am still queer given all that I have written above, but it is my way of avoiding ‘That’ discussion !
I like so much the definition of gynemimtophilia from Alice’s post and I think it does almost sum me up as Paul, and also the inverse for me when I am Amanda. It probably doesn’t make sense, but to me it is a little clearer…
Sorry, this is a complete ramble, but it has helped me at least !
Thanks for the topic… -
The big one!!! what happens when you find yourself dancing with a guy at a party and you like it?? After being invited to a party by a lady friend that knows about my tg side and even helps me with makeup and buying dresses ,shoes etc, It was my first time OUT en-femme so after spending a couple of hours getting me fixed up (her words) i decided not to go, then go then not !! ok i was shit scared to be honest lol but after threats i went ,I had a great time after the initial hiding in the corner period ,i was asked to dance by a guy,(later found it was setup by my friend to get me out) the feelings i had while we were dancing went from dread , total fright, embarresment,all rolled up together,, we did the usual 3feet apart dance the first time ,i dont think i even looked up the whole time .After being questioned about how did i like it,was he ok ,why are you so scared, have a drink ,i decided to have another dance if i was asked!! or i better have another dance if asked or else!!! of course a slow dance was put on so i had to hold close and try not to lead (it`s hard)i relaxed after a while and ended spending the whole night dancing with him,talking about my tg ,and yes i got turned on when he kissed me .so what am i now gay, bi, or human
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Dear Pamela,
The answer is quite obvious. ……….. You are …… human. You have …..feelings. Respect them …….. honour them……….. It’s YOU. ……..Nobody else. Irrespective of how you present, …… physically. Just look at our para olympians. Some of their body parts don’t work or aren’t there. Does that worry them? Certainly not !!!
Quite an amazing topic to try and put a lid on. Or catagorise. After many years of searching why we do , what we do, I think it comes down to the point that black is black, white is white; and gray is gray. And how many shades are there in grey? Do we really need to label ourselves in this way, as to whether we are gay straight or other?
The way we are all predispostioned by way of genetics, hormonal, environmental constraints, and chromonsonal signatures, even down to the molecular level, as intersex research is driving, does it really matter?
Should we be focusing on our own individual unique journey and embracing it as the real centre structure of our being? Releasing us to be who we really are, and not putting ourselves down because we may be …….. gay …..straight ……. bi ….whatever? If I love someone, I love them for who they are, not what they are.
I know I’ve been unique since the age of 5. I believe I am predestined to be a women, regrettably some of my body parts forgot, and physically I present as male; in some parts; yet still with a big bum and hips. In exploring this value I’ve learnt to love women for what they can teach me in being a woman, and I love men, as I believe one of my purposes is to satisfy a man. I have done this, yet I don’t believe I have ever satisfied a woman.
What shade of gray does this make me?
Thank you, I appreciate and respect all of you.
Love
Catherine -
I could not have said it any better Pamela.I support your post and agree whole heartedly.
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I have been transgendered on and off since childhood this much i know when i used to wear my sisters clothes and being a child the idea of sex and sexuality never came to mind.
Now im older and more experienced and when dressed i look and feel like a woman, its no longer the comfort and feelings of sensuality when im dressed, i feel like i want to experience the feelings and sensations a woman actually feels and these have been on my mind since seriously crossdressing.
Given a few years ago the very idea that i would entertain these thoughts would have confused and worried me but now ………. -
human human human – why put things in boxes? Arent we the target of enough “genderalisation” without doing it to ourselves?
xx
Michelle -
are the social values and cultural conditioning that are imposed on us from birth (pink = girls, blue = boys, with nothing in between) barriers (or inhibitors) to our being able to be whatever it is what we are? as much as these apply to gender, don’t they apply to sexual orientation too?
why can’t society just live and let live? will we see the end of the human race as a result? if you ask me, the social values associated with environmental waste are more likely to do that, yet there is little in the way of conditioning or imposition of values for environmental waste in the same way as for gender and sexual orientation.
what can we do to make the change?
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V, we may be verging toward an off topic thingy here but I will chance it and see if I can to in the spirit , so to speak. I also warn that these are my ” top of the brain” ideas, thought about for a long time but hastily added. They may be a bit of a ramble I fear!
Firstly I don’t think “society” is as as bad at living and let living as some think. That aside, I think that the main reasons that sexual preference and gender identity is an issue for some in society is that sexual display and the need to reproduce is so ingrained in the human species that we ( as a species) look at ( here goes a leap of opinion!)” everything “through that prism of intent. Not consciously of course but that is the problem. Were it conscious we could control it better but as it is, it has become background to our world view .
If this is the case , then those who are outside of the duality are seen as perverse and so discounted ( as useful to the species) or vilified as evil. Of course both men and women like to fuck things ( animate and otherwise ) but I see this as ” recreation” but when it comes to the” important” people who carry the species, the mainstream will tend toward the archetype as much as they can.
The fact that alpha males tend to choose supermodels as partners rather than shop girls is evidence of this I think. Power and territory bring sex usually and this is vital in all species. Because we are have invented a god figure to try and hide our animal nature from ourselves, we have tricked ourselves into thinking that we are different to nature ( and opposed to it ) and yet match most of the behaviours of other comparable social species.
Because we are such a socially driven species, we have also invented complex social structures and devices to further our biological imperatives.
Those of us who are driven to live outside of these social paradigms must make ourselves very aware of the ” game” in order to exist in some sort of comparative peace but the cis gendered and the more insensitive may not be aware that there is a game going on at all. The disease that we feel at times in our lives and the awareness of being looked at and judged , something we all regularly encounter ( ok , it MAY just be paranoia!) is testament to the idea that we know that we are stepping outside the game. Just look at the myriad of gender “rules” , lines that we know we are crossing when we do. They are fed to us all our lives ” we lick it from our Mammies knee ” as my Irish friend would say. Why?
I also think that this disease is a big factor in driving some people into the gender duality poles. It becomes simply exhausting to continue living in the outside edges of ambiguity. How many times have we read people saying ” I am sick of being a freak” Who says we are freaks and why does it matter other than it becomes hard to keep battling?The loss of ” male privilege” that we may feel is another pointer to the main game.
Because memes or social rules are as strong as genes for a social species we pass them on at every opportunity.
So , to answer your question, we first have to accept that we are living in the game but then persevere in trying to convince other players that we , as players of different roles are still valid, though we may no longer be seen by the majority as vital to the maingame , that of driving the species through reproduction. In other words, not partner material!
We have come a long way to here but there is more to go and we run the risk that a turn in events may rob us of the ground that we have made thus far. That is life I am afraid.Moderator
Quote:True it is heading off topic! -
Amanda, sorry to do this publicly but how can my post above be moved to a new topic? I would like to flesh out my idea as I have been thinking again ( I know, dangerous thing to do but I can’t help it!) and it would then move even further off topic.
Can you do it?
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Quote:Do you think its right that when you transition or take on a female role, that it is expected that your sexual preference should change to that normally exhibited by persons of that gender role?
It’s no more right than anyone being expected to hook up with their gender opposite, which isn’t right at all.
Quote:[Do] you believe that sexual preference remains constant independant of gender role?Each of us can only speak for ourselves on that front.
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Sex Gender and sexual preferance are three different things. Keep an open mind but for me nothing changed except my sex and gender now are the same and I am now at peace with myself.
Everyone is different but we are all driven by this desire to be who we really feel who we are inside. Some of us will take the leap of faith, some of us will be too scared to change with faer of losing what wwe have.
Each of us will find our own path, for me who I was attracted to never changed, although one of my thngs on the list for SRS was to have normal sex, they asummed with a guy, but for me it was not, but I let them think what they want because they want us to fit in little boxes to be ticked off as sane.
xxx
Kelly Jones
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I think there is more to sexual behaviour than just sexual preferences.
I am very much attracted to the female and find the male yuck. On the other hand I am wondering if my behaviour is not concordant with my preferences/ if that makes any sense.
Being dominant in the relationship was not me but when it comes to understanding, gently caring touch or physical intimacy that is me.
It is very confusing to be attracted to women but love to be feminine too.
I was at a CD weekend away a few months ago and had to get dressed in drab mode for a family meet up for a couple of hours and someone at the CD group
said I looked down or depressed in male mode and a different happy person in girl mode.Hugs
Vicki
