stealth … to be or not to be, that is the question.

[Anonymous]

Stealth “To be or not to be” it is up to the individual if one is lucky to be able to blend in, then you’re very lucky. but to go stealth means you may have to give up your old life completely. Which would mean friends and family which may be too much to ask of people.

At the end of the day it’s a choice if you can start a whole new life without much sadness in doing so it may be the way to go for that person. but if your life is richer with the people you’ve met on the way then you would not pick going stealth.

It’s sometimes hard for us to understand why people do things but that is the problem when we have choice.

Penny

[Anonymous]

Well so much for stealth. I was on a tram today and got an earful of transphobic abuse from an aboriginal guy. I called the police and he got off. I NEVER have issues in public so I am absolutely floored by this. I am wondering if I need to take my head to Thailand for a remake. My psych says no….but now OMG. Does that even help?
Gwen

[Anonymous]

Please: A real question. What’s stealth?

Pretendies; that what was never was. A very blessed few, who are able to begin our journey in their youth – easier today than in the past, but still not available to most.

This is about living OUR life, moving forward (oops, is that a current political slogan – I’ll be working for one of the other mob on Saturday), being a part of the community in which we live, and especially just being yourself, not conforming to some inane stereotype.

There are certain subjects I will not discuss or acknowledge, other than in-house, and then only very selectively.

It’s the 3 & 4 year olds who will pick you every time. Ironic, as that’s age we begin to identify ourselves as other than as determined by society

[Anonymous]

Well as I grow up in Alice Springs, and a lot of people know me I cannot go completely stealth, however, that doesn’t mean everyone knows what I am, the people that don’t know either see me as a woman or at least accept me as a woman, and don’t say anything else and that includes little kids, and there are quite a few running around the hospital.

I have a saying,” I don’t mind people knowing about my past as long as they treat and respect me as the woman I am today”

As for that Aboriginal, Gwendoline, There is a few here in Alice that will go up to anyone and verbally abuse them because they see everyone else as being different and they don’t like it, I have even seen them go up to Genetic Woman, including some good friends of mine and go ” You’re an F***** Guy, you are sick” and some times “Are you a girl or a boy” and just laugh about it and the police cannot do a thing about it, and unfortunately you will always get people like that that

All the best
Hugs
Sharon

[Anonymous]

Thanks Sharon. I will never be stealth for the same reasons. My work knows and the communities I move in know. I just haven’t had an issue in public for years. I really appreciate your experiences with the local aboriginals. Yes, it’s probably just that one warped twisted guy but I have to admit it’s coloured my feelings towards that entire community. I wonder if those individuals realise the damage they do and the hatred they bring to their own people. I have to admit copping abuse from another minority group is a surreal experience.
Ta
Gwen

[Anonymous]

Sharon, Christine… Spot on! I think you have managed to sum up my feelings so well. I seem to get on rants way to easily, but really it comes down to this:

If you identify as a transsexual and think you have to be stealth to be a woman to complete your transition, then sorry but I think you need help as you’re only pretending. We are transexuals, we are (supposed to be) women (or men) inside and making the transition is about being ourselves now, it’s not about pretending to be something we are not. We are not GGs and we can never be GGs, we should not look bad on someone that is very obviously a man in womans clothes, we should look on knowing that in the past we were that person, we should educate others that that person is at a point in their life where they are most vulnerable and that they need support not ridicule.

We are transexuals, we should be allowed to live our lives without discrimination, without prejudiced and without ridicule. We should be accepted in society as the people we are, and afforded the respect and rights that the genetic equivalents of our real (presenting) genders garner.

Best,

Michelle

[Anonymous]

I met a person with some kind of gender anomoly 25 years ago. Her name was Jody. She was a model. Where she did her modelling work they eventually found out and sacked her. The term all of the other transsexuals used to desrcibe her was “Drop dead stunning.” No testoserone had ever coursed through those veins. She was quite extraordinarily convincing. BUT if you looked at her face really hard at the bone structure underneath those girly features you could just make out the bone structure of an adolescent boy. She said to me one day, that children read her all of the time. She said, children haven’t incorporated symbolism. Make up, earings, long hair…all go toward making up the symbols of woman hood, or feminity. I took this on board, and decided to cover myself with as many female symbols as i found necesary. Make up, etc.

Ever since Jody mentioned children always reading her I’ve always been wired to check out if kids are reading me. And honesty compells me to say that if they are i just don’t pick up on it. Kids will blurt out te first thing that comes into their head. I’ve never heard a kid say anything that would make me think I’ve been read. I could go out tomorrow and get read by a three year old. But at the time of writing this, so far I’ve either been incredibly lucky, or blocked it out, or just plain too dumb to see the forest for the trees. I’ve had adults read me. Last time that I’m aware of was probably two years ago. And I didn’t actually see it myself, someone else observed it and told me about it. But yes it happens. Last time i actually observed it myself was about 5 or 6 years ago. MAybe i need cognitive therapy..Who knows!

Shells said:
” If you identify as a transsexual and think you have to be stealth to be a woman to complete your transition, then sorry but I think you need help as you’re only pretending. “

and then went further to say:
“We are transexuals, we should be allowed to live our lives without discrimination, without prejudiced and without ridicule. We should be accepted in society as the people we are, and afforded the respect and rights that the genetic equivalents of our real (presenting) genders garner.”

discrimination is certainly a MAJOR reason why I’m stealth at work. Or rather, I should say, I don’t notice anyone reading me at work, and i chose to not talk about it with anyone from work. I may well be the most readable transsexual there is, however, I simply don’t ever pick up on getting read. That doesn’t, mean it doesn’t happen. I can read me, and if i can read me i figure that other people can too.
I often wonder at how it is that no one ever seems to say anything to me. Or why I seem to be getting away with it.
Certainly I think that my voice is a dead give away.
I could go out tomorrow and get my bubble totally burst. But I like my bubble.

A transsexual once told me “People can suspect you’re a transsexual but they aren’t going to know for sure unless you tell them.”
And I figure, go with that thought.

What is stealth?
Is it your attitude?
Is it hope, a feeling, being too dumb to realise you’re being read?
Who knows, but if I’m enjoying my own dellusion and its not hurting anyone whats wrong with that?

Claire

[Anonymous]

Quote:

discrimination is certainly a MAJOR reason why I’m stealth at work. Or rather, I should say, I don’t notice anyone reading me at work, and i chose to not talk about it with anyone from work. I may well be the most readable transsexual there is, however, I simply don’t ever pick up on getting read. That doesn’t, mean it doesn’t happen. I can read me, and if i can read me i figure that other people can too.
I often wonder at how it is that no one ever seems to say anything to me. Or why I seem to be getting away with it.
Certainly I think that my voice is a dead give away.
I could go out tomorrow and get my bubble totally burst. But I like my bubble.

Think on this – are you pretending you are a genetic woman, or are you being who you are and letting people make their own judgment?

I suspect the latter, which means you are like who I am and what I was saying. If you feel you have to be stealth to be a real woman, then in my eyes you are deluding yourself. You need to be who you are, and the world needs to accept you as that, and from what you have said, I think that is exactly what is happening.

With regards to the person you know, it happens there is bigotry, there is discrimination there is ridicule, all of which usually stems from a lack of understanding. We need to educate these people, and we need to have legislation that will protect us. If transexuals deny their past (whether post/pre/non-op – makes no difference) there are 2 main things that will happen:

1/ People that know/guess/work it out, will have their fears about the integrity of the person heightened. The message the TS is giving is “I am deceiving you”.

2/ The message that we are ordinary people that have a right to be, is diluted. People will think those of us that are ‘out’ are just a few crackpots that should be locked up in a padded room because there is something wrong with us. I read somewhere that it is estimated that 1 in 100 people are transgender in some way (ie CD/TS etc) the same stats said 1 in 10 are gay. That’s a lot of people, and of course probably only 1 in 1 million are ‘out’ as being TS, for a variety of good reasons, but that doesn’t help the rest of us. If the government saw 1 in 100 people as being TG do you (we all) think they would ignore us? 1% of the vote is what wins and looses elections.

Quote:

A transsexual once told me “People can suspect you’re a transsexual but they aren’t going to know for sure unless you tell them.”
And I figure, go with that thought.

Yes! What do you say if they ask though? What *should* you say if they ask?

Quote:

What is stealth?
Is it your attitude?
Is it hope, a feeling, being too dumb to realise you’re being read?
Who knows, but if I’m enjoying my own dellusion and its not hurting anyone whats wrong with that?

Nothing, and what is delusional about it? I know that sometimes I go out and people don’t know. I know that even when 99% of the population sees me just before electrolysis and can see my past, that 1% will not even read me. I don’t say run up to tell them that I am TG, I just smile and carry on my walk down the street being me, living life.

I enjoy being stealth, but I don’t delude myself into thinking that I could ever be 100% stealth, or that I need to be stealth to be fully transitioned. I know what I have to do, where I have to do it, how to do it, and I live life to the full.

I don’t get beaten up, threatened or have rude people ask me inappropriate questions, I have the occasional ‘loud voice’ making comment, the occasional snigger, a few double takes, and the occasional wolf whistle. Majority of the time though I walk unimpeded, no questions asked, the occasional hello or smile, and I live life.

Best,

Shells

[Anonymous]

Quote:

If you identify as a transsexual and think you have to be stealth to be a woman to complete your transition, then sorry but I think you need help as you’re only pretending.

Shells for the transwomen that manage to be stealth ( and you won’t find them here) I must object to the totally inappropriate statement that they need some sort of psych help presumably because there is something wrong with them. If I could I WOULD be stealth. I can’t. I might consider changes in the future that move me in that direction. I know some stealth women. They get treated entirely differently to us (their unstealth sisters). There is a price to pay for that. It is choice and capability…..not something that is wrong or requires your denigration of them. They are not pretend women. Neither am I!
Gwen

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Quote:

If you identify as a transsexual and think you have to be stealth to be a woman to complete your transition, then sorry but I think you need help as you’re only pretending.

Shells for the transwomen that manage to be stealth ( and you won’t find them here) I must object to the totally inappropriate statement that they need some sort of psych help presumably because there is something wrong with them. If I could I WOULD be stealth. I can’t. I might consider changes in the future that move me in that direction. I know some stealth women. They get treated entirely differently to us (their unstealth sisters). There is a price to pay for that. It is choice and capability…..not something that is wrong or requires your denigration of them. They are not pretend women. Neither am I!
Gwen

Sorry I think you misread my post. I want to be stealth, I don’t feel I need to be stealth to complete transition. I feel if the only way for someone to complete transition, to become a ‘real woman’ is to be stealth then sorry they need help. If you are TS you are already a woman inside, and transition is the process of changing the physical body to match the mind. Some will never be stealth, some will be stealth before they start, being stealth is only something you can work towards, it should not be what completes your transition. Your transition is changing in real life to the gender you really are and living life happy in yourself. If you attain ‘stealthiness’ as part of that process, good on you, but it will not (should not?) mark the beginning or the end.

Best,

Michelle

[Anonymous]

Thanks shells, for your post.

I think everyone has their own journey.
I don’t feel like i need to educate people. I figure that I have absolutely no right to inflict my gender history on others, or educate them. I don’t have to wear the mantle of responsibility to promote the cause. I personally hate it when a transsexual person gabs on at length about their transition.
Its a crashing bore.

If someone asked me about my gender history i would play it by ear.

As for “pretending” to be a real woman: Actors pretend. Actors put on temporary cloaks to perform a role. TS people in real life are not pretend. Its hardly pretend if you’re risking loosing your family, losing your job, losing your friends, losing you partner, losing your home, and your well being. When everything is on the line thats very real. And if you can do things to minimise risk and potential loss well and good.
Reality is that transsexuals are amongst the realest people one could meet. They’re out there and having a go. If they say that they’re women then kudos to them.

Cheers,
Claire

[Anonymous]

Shells, unless you are just ‘female’ there is no end to transition. You can say ‘well I have transitioned to my true self’ and that is indeed true. Trouble is, what that is has a habit of changing too. I thought I had ‘transitioned’ when I went full time. I thought I had ‘transitioned’ when I had srs. I was wrong. It hasn’t stopped….ever. Stealth? I have a limited desire for it…..but that is today!

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Shells, unless you are just ‘female’ there is no end to transition.

I know. My point was that some who deem themselves TS seem obsessed with being stealth, to them that is all that matters. My point is anyone who feels that to be transitioned they must be stealth needs help, because regardless of whether they attain stealth or not, they haven’t really looked at themselves properly or they don’t really know what TS really means. CD’s tend to want to be stealth (though not all, some just want to dress in clothes of the opposite sex) which is why they are sometimes called ‘female impersonators’ (a title often associated with drag queens.) As TS’s we all want to be stealth to aid in our acceptance in society as to who we really are, but being stealth or not is not what defines us.

Some people refuse to acknowledge their past as to them it means being “not stealth”. Personally I believe that our past is what makes us who we are, it is important to our well being and to our future. If you look hard and deep at yourself I’m sure you will agree, I know this is how I feel. I feel that it is good to tell someone who and what I am if there is doubt, I feel that those who deny who and what they are are doing us all (TS’s) an injustice as well as deceiving those to whom they are denying it.

I am not saying we should be running around telling people about being transgendered or outing ourselves, I am saying that we should not be focused on being stealth, we should be focused on living and enjoying life. If you go through life lying to people when you are found out (as with all liars) people walk away from you, you do get discriminated against and those like you get discriminated against just by association.

Quote:

You can say ‘well I have transitioned to my true self’ and that is indeed true. Trouble is, what that is has a habit of changing too. I thought I had ‘transitioned’ when I went full time. I thought I had ‘transitioned’ when I had srs. I was wrong. It hasn’t stopped….ever. Stealth? I have a limited desire for it…..but that is today!

I started transitioning by stopping lying to myself and starting to change. I have been continuing to transition ever since, and think I will never stop. Certainly as we have found SRS and FFS is not the point of being transitioned, nor is being stealth, nor is just coming out. Determining that I am ‘female’ is not going to stop the transition for me, as it was what started my transition!

The only thing I will add to that is when I get my updated birth certificate with my chosen name and ‘female’ on it, I will probably stop telling people unless asked the direct question “were you born with a penis?” (which would probably garner a rude answer from me anyhow) That said my family and friends will always know, and unlike others I have had dealings with, I have chosen to keep my friends rather than discard them just because they know.

Best,

Michelle

[Anonymous]

Quote:

The only thing I will add to that is when I get my updated birth certificate with my chosen name and ‘female’ on it, I will probably stop telling people

I have a new Birth-certificate, and even before I got it I didn’t tell people, unless the situation called for it, People generally don’t need to know so why tell them,

Most of the Women at my beauticians don’t know, especially when they ask me things like, have you been pregnant, or as one asked me just before I went to Thailand, was my husband going with me, as well as other things, the owner knows and a couple of her employee’s but they have known my for ages.

Most of the people I work with know, and accept me as a woman, but I don’t go out of my way to tell the new staff members.

In general, I have found that 99% of people I come in contact with accept me as a woman, regardless if they know my past or not and that is great

All the best
Hugs
Sharon

[Anonymous]

Thankyou for your post Shells ,
I would like to say I was brave enougth to come out of the closet but I wasnt able too on my own ?? It took a very messy divorse to get me to be Ella !!My ex outed me at work and distributed photos of me around town , too work mates and friends .Once i didnt try and hide almost everyone accepted me for who i am paticulary the women who basicly said we knew were different but couldnt put you in a paticular catergory lol . I went too The Family Court as Ella and was treated as a trangendered person with great respect ,and imm very sure if I hadnt i would never have got full custody of my boys !! Imm 16 months into HRT and transitioning at work with no problems at all and wish i done this a long time ago !! Imm also well known in Gay lesbian trans community , a bit of an activiste !
Cheers Ella-Kristine