The one and only thread – how do you identify yourself?

[Anonymous]

My mind is abuzz with a quite that goes along the lines of “I might not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it” howrere there is a variation in my mind – one evidently I won’t have anyone defend my right to say …

However,

I have always inside, identified as a woman. I tried for most of my past like to “be the man” my parents demanded of me. To “grow up and be tough” like the school I went to demanded me.

However, I was always bound by biology regardless. My parents made a choice at my birth that has affected my whole life and created a battle that should never have existed. They treated me like something I wasn’t and used psychology to mask the truth. Seems I was given drugs during my childhood too.

Fundamentally all my life I have been cross dressing. So That’s a complex issue on it’s own. Women Cross Dress daily anyway – they wear jeans, pants, shorts …

I guess the realisation when my body gave in to stress and my immune system went way out of control and that lead to the discovery of my period, it created a massive conflict in my mind. I was TOLD I was a boy, yet here I was feeling and having a body that did girl things.

Being Intersexed is complex in some cases. Unlike Bruce/Brenda/David Reiner who was in fact a genetic male but was brought up to think he was a girl, I suffered the opposite with the biological structure of both male nd female.

It’s amazing how powerful the controlled brain really is. Since discovering rhe truth about my body, I have allowed myself to think about my female self more, and in doing so, many suppressed traits have started to develop;. The period is one of those, but my breasts have started to grow – only a little – on their own. How far that will go is yet to be seem however with supplements for several months I did get to a small B-ish size. Since running out of supplements, my breast continue to grow, apparently because I now am open to letting my body do it’s job the way t was designed to, rather than, like when you have headache, you focus on not being in pain and most headache pain will be suppressed – or as one Psychiatrist said to me recently, because I have told my body for so many decades it’s of a particular form, and suppressed, just like a person who suffers a life threatening experience does – the functions of my body, it’s trained itself to behaving in a particular way.

Now opening all that up, I’m seeing many changes, quite naturally. I’ve agreed that taking hormones right now would, could, be a tragic act that might cause my body to react very seriously, because it’s not yet understanding all the female parts inside it. They have been “partitioned” off from my functional life. Now that I open to them, my feminine psychology, body, spirit and soul are growing, albeit like a teenager who’s been in hibernation for 20 years, but still it’s growing and it’s measurable.

SRS like most TS undertake is not so much an option for me. Although I have moments where “I wish it wasn’t there”, I still like my body as it is and as it will grow. There are moments too when I wish I didn’t have ovaries and a uterus too. But in the median I’m happy with who I am.

I guess I’m lucky unlike some IS women who have breasts, a vagina and absolutely no internals. And then there are the Men who have a penis but are totally sterile.

Where I’ll end up is yet to be defined. I present as a woman, my new name is a bit androgynous (changed to disassociate with family and allow me to find my true identity, not the suppressed one that was nurtured upon me with psychological and other forms of abuse and violence)

On Friday I went to pick up my kids and had about 20 women and their children all come and congratulate me for taking such a brave step – well that was going in a skirt after months of wearing pants. Mind you most noticed the makeup and the fem tops I had been wearing and were curious as to whether I’d reveal the real me. Some had seen me around the shop and town in dressed up for meetings or shopping, so they knew regardless.

It was so refreshing after 3 months of NOT BEING ACCEPTED and not making any friends to suddenly have people respect me and show an interest and want to share their lives with me – all in the space of an hours.

There were reasons I was “pant”ing it the last few months – to do with my sweeties work place and her fears. But they are all but gone now!

We all make sacrifices and pants for 2 hours a day isn’t ll that bad a thing, but I really do hate being less than elegant.

I’ve never really cross dressed as a child, I was constantly TOLD it was EVIL and WRONG and I’ be harmed if I did. There were occasions I managed to slip into a pink dance dress from the theatrical cupboard, and the relief I felt being l girl visually. But those moments were far and few between and very short lived.

Most of the time I avoided boys at school, avoided PE, avoided being anywhere that I’d be noticed.

I have always identified as female, my life partner and previous girlfriends have all said that I’m so feminine and so womanly, and my wife logged my period (as a joke) for the first ten years of our marriage, till we found out and it’s left us both adjusting.

I’ve always been surrounded by girls and women , my parents have always tried to push them away and introduce boys to me. God, I thank the universe that I’m not Gay.

So I’m always presenting as fem, in my actions and spoken manner, but have only been able to present fully visually as such for the last year or so.

[Anonymous]

hi…. i think every one here now knows i am a women ,,,now yes i was a male as far as my body is conserned , in side a female from age 10 just could not do anything about it then or for another 40 years till 11 years ago i told jos & we have been mairred for over 34 years . with 3 grown up kids & 5 garnd kids yes s r s & b a so yea i now live as a women . i am just accepted as one . i am involved with womens groups so i get on well in my roll or as i live i am just a women yea its neat . for now jos & i live in the same house . so we will see how things go that will be up to jos . if she would like to leave as it is now we had our marriage anould so we just live as two females . our kids they have found it very hard just like jos …for me there is no sexual side to my life nor has been for over 11 years . now thats just me . nor will there be i am a non sexual .i have lots of friends both in n z & around the world & more to the point i have lots here . oh yea,,,,why did i change from m to f . well did i . no i allways was who i am both m & f & i accepted my self as such so no problems there i saw my self as a female just some things just not quite right well some of those details have been sorted & i am pleased with those things being attended to so now for me this is now my life as it should be just me just one detail that can not be changed is …… i can not have my ,,,own,,,, baby that for me is very hard yet i have to live with that so dejarn is as close to as i can get to having ….my own …kid she is so neat she is so close …to… me closer than our own kids thats what dejarn means to me so i hope you see where i am coming from . this is just to let you all know who i am……… …noeleena…..

[Anonymous]

Mari, thank you for your interest in my post on the ‘Spiritual Transgender’ thread. I thought it may be more relevant to respond here.

Every decade or so through my life I’ve done a bit of taking stock – how did it get here? – and where to next? Sounds like that airline ad. It usually results in a bit of regret and self recrimination and, like Oliver Hardy to Stan Laurel, I look at myself and sneer ‘that’s another fine mess, you’ve gotten me into’. In the past the process has either resulted in going off to see some psych or just trying to switch off the female brainwaves. The last time I went through this, which was a few years ago now, it culminated in re-emerging and sometime later a thread on another forum called ‘Unsatisfactory Solutions’ which is on my website. Anyway at the end of that post I concluded that the only satisfactory solution for me was to be reborn a female – and all other solutions were simply unsatisfactory to varying degrees. Living as an open transgender has never appealed to me but I now accept it as unavoidable to large degree.

In any event my activities in female mode have always been based on the premise that I am a female and that others will view and respond to me [or maybe ought to respond to me] as a woman. Being part time, I have developed a female persona and a female self image that is reflected in my consistent style of dress though I guess I have gone through a few variations along the way. I don’t think I am unique in any of this. In my early 30s I went through a period when I had a fixation with pregnancy and maternity wear – and, very foolishly, I went out dressed in maternity wear and baby bump. ‘Foolishly’ for two reasons, first I think this is a taboo area where female mimicry replaces self identification and secondly, I was approached by the classic little old lady in Southland wanting the full details. I learned a lot from that embarrassing experience, not least, that if you’re going to role play in public then you better get your story right.

So I do have a view of the kind of woman I am which is an entwined mixture of what is and what might have been if only I’d popped out the right gender. Aside from influencing how I present myself and providing a ready answer – it nurtures my sense of female-ness and my self confidence. As I have been living in male mode most of the time for 50 odd years it is difficult to say in which gender I am role playing as I’m still quite awkward on occasions in male mode but not nearly the real deal in female mode. A few weeks ago I was in Myer Highpoint in male mode, the day after I’d been there in female mode and I went to the loo at the back of the Men’s Wear and I must have been switched to autopilot because I found myself following a woman to the Ladies. She stopped and pointed ‘the Men’s are that way’ – so fortunately I have people around me to point me in the right direction.

Fiona xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Mari
In your question I read it as looking for individual interpretation of our experience and hence any views I express are just that so hope I don’t offend anyone. I suspect that if you got replies from all members of tranny radio then you would have as many interpretations of who we are. There is no doubt that we are a sub set of mainstream society but it is important to remember that we are still individuals regardless of how many labels there are.
Foe me personally to dress is just another aspect of my personality that I can enhance with some degree of dressing. This might be a full makeover or in daggy mode at home with minimal dressing. I see myself as a genetic male with a strong feminine side and so I just make the most of what I have. No amount of SRS or drugs will make me into a genetic woman so I don’t pursue that path. For those who feel they need to walk that road then I wish them lots of happiness and love as that is their experience.
Expressing my fem side just ‘feels right’ and I don’t hurt anyone else doing it so what other criteria could I possibly apply to normalising it. Hanging out with other girls either gg or tg is also fun. I should add that if I had the financial means I might consider facial surgery to enhance my features but I suspect that this is just good old fashion vanity and would apply whether in male mode or fem mode.

Cheers x
Chrissy

[Anonymous]

I think, as tgirls, we are forced, by circumstances and expectations, to compartmentalise our feelings, adapt (and lie if necessary to hide the truth) and to accept different realities.

As a manager of 20 years or so I have been expected to lead and make difficult, sometimes unpopular, calls and, while I have generally been successful at it, it isn’t something I am all that comfortable with (I’d prefer to be one of the secretaries). Emotionally I feel that I am more female than male and seem to adopt a more feminine approach to confrontation and negotiation. Maybe it’s partly pragmatism but it seems to deliver better and more long lasting outcomes.

When I’m out dressed it feels normal, and I don’t have the expectations of maleness – the awful loud blokiness, going to the pub getting pissed etc. I love the feeling of being clean and hairless, smell good (I hope) and to decorate myself in any way I feel…I feel more alive as a girl…maybe it’s just that the clothes feel so much better. As a girl it’s much easier to socialise and be part of a group and show an interest in fashion (obviously), the arts and the softer sides of life, like social justice and a wider range of issues and interests than just things like sport, cars etc. I think there’s a certain freedom in being a girl…men I think are much more prone to be sterotyped by sociey.

[Anonymous]

Hi, in another thread, a questionnaire’ I came across this reply.

“I think the term cross dress is kind of out of date and doesn’t cover the spectrum of trans people”.

Fair response and accurate, so far as it goes. ‘Cross dress’ is very simplistic, which to me was the point. It seemed a reasonably phrase to explain my situation to friends, as if it wasn’t difficult enough already.
In the old days when we weren’t so sophisticated! **LOL** If I told them I was a transvestite they looked blank. Some clever person coined the word Cross Dresser and it seemed to take off as a ‘less clinical’ title, less threatening maybe?
I used the term cross dresser simply because it was that, simple. So my question is, what word would you use to explain what you are?
One thing. I know, one word or phrase isn’t enough to explain anything so complex as us. I’m just asking, how do YOU start? What initial word or phrase do you use in the beginning?
Helen

[Anonymous]

I make it simple ,, i am “Transgender”

If i was younger and had the figure i would have gone further but now 53 i am still transgender just happy with wife supporting to do my thing as Judy.

[Anonymous]

I think being called a Cross Dresser doesn’t adequately describe our feelings. It is as if we just change clothes and that’s it. Transgender sounds good to me as it goes that bit further.

[Anonymous]

Hi Helen
I personally believe we are all transgendered. Some of us prefer to be part-time, some of us wish to transition. It’s a personal choice of gender identity and how you wish to live the rest of life.

Amy

[Anonymous]

Hi……Well, I myself am ….er “Transsexual” …gee I hate that term!
Well, it’s not really about the act of sex is it…it’s about gender, but dam, the Transgender term is taken ’cause someone thought it would make a good umbrella….lol !
“Transsexual” makes me feel like it’s about someone who will have sex with anyone or anything….lol. Well ‘trans’ means across + sex. I think that most of the general public associate the word ‘sex’ as being mostly related to …the act of.
Then there are those that reject all forms of tags and lables.
Others embrace them like the Lesbian community. Seems like they bring out a new lable every month or so! But I guess that by using a list of terms like that they at least know what they’re getting…lol.
Some good books on the subject of the gender spectrum and it’s lables are written by American author Kate Bornstein … eg. “Gender Outlaw”.
At lease the term ‘cross dresser’ is kind of safe ( unless some idiot thinks that ‘cross’ means angry….lol )
Hugs

Monique

[Anonymous]

Not a bad question but do we have this in the right thread? Anyway, I don’t have a set term for myself, I am happy with what people think on their own as long as they’re not being derogeratory. Only thing though, I did tell work that I was a “crossdresser” even though I have started HRT. That was to let them get used to the idea that I do look different when at home. Anyone else gets a full explanation if they ask and then life just goes on for me as normal. One of my neighbours, who is from an older generation, prefers to think of me as a transvestite but even though I know that I’m not, she is happy having me as a neighbour. Maybe one day she will ask more questions as I change and a more involved discussion will occur.

That’s how things work for me, no-one seems to care one way or the other unless they really want to.

Peta A.

[Anonymous]

Thing to remember is that no matter what “term” you use, there will always be other ppl whom hasten to either condemn you for it or assume that because you are then you are some sort of deviate or a Gay/Lesbian person and that is okay to have a go at you for this. Regardless the terminology you use, the first thing to remember is that first and foremost you are a Human-Being and that share smilar needs and wants as everybody else. You also share the same ability to hurt and be hurt by other ppl, you will also bleed if cut and you feel the same sort of dislikes love etc as everybody else. Inherently there is nothing differrent about you that sets you aside those that ppl that point fingers and laugh. When ppl are scared they react in differing ways…. sometimes good and sometimes not good. Each of us in the whole Trans community need to understand this and make adjustments accordingly in order to live free from the badness. But that is often easier said than done.

Whatever label you call yourself, there will always be somebody that comes along and finds a way to try to ridicule or put you down with words and or actions. Standing up as a united and visible part of the community is impotant, the more scattered we remain, the more power we seem to give away to those that hasten to cause harm. It is easy to remain in the closet out of fear, but its more rewarding to be out there and doing it, gathering the energy to be our true selves free from harm. In Australia we are very fortunate to be mostly free from the total bad stuff, and as such we should celebrate this but never be so relaxed that it is all taken away from Us through the various subversive tactics of Governments/ Churches.

So, if you like to known as a transvestite, then that is okay, or if you like the title of Non-Op Transsexual person and you are comfortable with that, then in my book, that’s wonderful. Whichever you describe yourself, that good but you need not justify yourself by words nor actions nor labels to nobody in the world, as its none of their business, afterall do you go around the world prying into their lives? No, I bet you don’t, and you know why, becuae you were taught to be polite and courteous and not ask about that sort of pesonal stuff about people. But that doesn’t stop them trying to and indeed interferring in the lives of Trans people with rude and invasive questions, and assumptions, all done because you wear a dress or jeans or present as a woman or present as a man. It like us doing and being Ourselves suddenly gives Them the Right to break instantly break down the politness and come at you with question about your very personal life. Being able to ever-so-nicely tell those people to mind their own business is what you need to learn to do, that way we can all get on with living our lives free from harassment and rudeness and invasion.

Our lives are our own, and not the business of everybody else in the world, and that is the way it should be but it won’t until people come to respect Us in the same way we respect them!

[Anonymous]

Whilst i’m not overly concerned about being “labled” in generic terms, there are compelling reasons for having special “Trans” related categories.

In the medical / physchology fields for example, specialists require defined benchmarks from which to base diagnosis outcomes for gender diverse people. I am different in many ways from every other person here in TR, yet we still have many common emotional and physical needs.

Those common atttributes we share can be “grouped” – effectively those lables which are applied to Trans people – and thus more specific services can be provided based on an established set of criteria, which is known to adequately assist people who have varying levels of gender identity expression.

I personally don’t mind being called a Transgender person – its exactly who and what I am! Perhaps not fulltime yet, but well and truely living the lifestyle 70% of the time! So what do you call me when I commence hormone treatment? Is Transsexual appropriate? I believe so – taking the word literally, it’ll be precisely whats happening to me!

CLARE

[Anonymous]

When I first came out to anyone I labled myself a cross dresser as I was not aware of the terminology at that time. Although my feelings and desires never have changed I feel more at ease calling myself Transgender these days.

To me a Transgender person is anyone who is born either M or F and ether occasionally or permanently lives the life of the opposite gender. To me its an Umbrella Term describing anyone who is Trans.

Although I am on hormones and am slowly transitioning I have never felt comfortable with the label Transsexual. I am a very unsexual person and Monique_Cannon has described my feelings about that the word very well.

So I have been telling everyone I am Transgender, I think it sounds nicer and it describes me quite well.

[lee]

Like Clare,I ,m not overly concerned about being labelled,but TG describes me the best!