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What if?
In another thread Fay told of a health scare and the loss of her wife, how this prompted her to, bravely, come out to her daughter. She was concerned about her daughters reaction upon discovering evidence of her feminine side under such circumstances
I have to admit to recently giving this much thought as I get older, a lot of thought. Do I tell someone or do I take the final purge? Are there any alternatives? I have never told either of my children. I doubt I will. So what is the answer? Anyone, anyone? -
19 Replies
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I don’t know what the answer is, I don’t even have a will at the moment, partly because of this issue. But I will be dealing with this in the near future.
What I would say is DON’T PURGE!!!!! It has always been among my biggest regrets, each and ever one of them. They would always just leave me feeling hollow and anxious, and would never solve anything (plus I threw away some really nice outfits)….
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Claire this is exactly the situation I was in. I had to tell someone otherwise there would be too many unanswered questions for those loved ones left behind and that would not be fair to them or my memory. I decided to opt for who I thought would be most accepting and bite the bullet.
I know now that I have told my daughter and explained what she will find in my side of the wardrobe when I pass on, was the right thing to do. It gave her the opportunity to accept or reject, to ask questions or answer ones she suspected. There will be no shock and wonder when the time comes to clear out Dad’s stuff. Just get a large garbage bag, or a large packet of them, or maybe a skip bin, and tip the stuff into a recycle bin and she will know that Fay existed..
If the person you choose does not accept your life choice at least someone will know what actually transpired instead of deep dark unknown secrets.
I know each and every situation will be different but I know now that I did the right thing for my family. -
Great topic. I came out to my 2nd wife before things got too serious, i.e. a proposal. She accepted me totally, though never appears in public with Phillippa. When my twins were about 8 we decided to tell them as it was getting difficult to hide it from them. They were fine with it and are both about to turn 20. I have no problem if I suddenly kark it. My wife has several contacts in the community here to offer the useful stuff to and dispose of the rest.
Sorry to hear of your loss Fay but glad to hear things are going well now.
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It is a great topic.
Although it has very occasionally crossed my mind – i.e.what happens if I suddenly put my cue in the rack and all is exposed? – I still haven’t been moved or frightened enough up until now to do something about it “just in case”….maybe I will now.
I have trusted friends who know all about my dual identity but it would seem unfair to ask them to attend to all that palaver when I’m pushing up the daisies. I have 4 children (2 girls and 2 boys) who are pretty switched on so maybe it is time I took one of them into my confidence? Even Clark Kent eventually let Lois Lane into his secret so why not?
Great food for thought
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A Great Thread Title and it just demands!! lots of thought from people in our situation.
It is indeed a very daunting decision to make in telling others and I understand why many still keep it a secret.
For a long time I have had a very supporting partnerBUT I agonised for a long time about the matter of telling other people that are very important to me ie Son , Daughter in law and some close friends. I dont have any other relations to have to deal with!
My Partner also had a very high level of anxiety ( probably higher than mine ! ) about “What If ” they find out..
SO that in itself became a trigger to DO something about it and relieve the anxiety. Fortunately everything has evolved very well since I DID act on that trigger moment.I agree with Fay and others that It makes life much easier knowing you havnt left a bagful of mysteries around when your time comes.
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Conclusion is IMHO Build up the courage to tell someone close to you. your intuition should tell you who that might be and if you are as lucky as I have been hopefully that will give you confidence to widen your circle of those who know.I wish you all the best in what happens.
Caroline
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The best I have been able to come up with is a letter with our wills, sealed and marked to be opened by our children after my death. There are also copies in each of the locked suit cases that hold all my girl things.
It explaining that my wife knows of the letter and that it is to explain my girl belongings should my wife or I not be in a position to dispose of them.
I came out to my kids years ago but not one word has been said by them since. I apologise to them for not having shared my efforts to understand my need to dress but ask them to understand how my bravery shown has since evaporated.
I ask them to respect my things as they are important symbols of a side of me and asked that they be given to the Gender Centre or similar group who may have a need. Almost all my things are new and it would pain me to see them tipped.
Should I develop the courage to speak to my children, which would be far better then I would destroy the letters
This is the best solution I have been able to come up with.
Geraldine -
A very thought provoking topic and a bit of a wake up call for myself. My biggest regret is that I was so ignorant of my gender expression when my wife found a terrible dress I’d bought and had hanging in a spare bedroom wardrobe. She asked what it was all about however I didn’t know then, it was over twenty years ago and the resources were not there then or if they were I didn’t know where to find them. Fast forward and while I have discovered and experienced the wonderful world that being gender fluid offers my life long partner has been left behind. I like many here have creating a dual life that is separate from my spouse that is less than ideal and could now have devastating consequences. It’s almost like having an extra marital affair with yourself. However hitting 65 this year the realisation that I need to get my affairs in order has weighed heavily on my mind. Not only the financial but also the lovely, well in my mind Alana. I certainly can’t purge her again, but what to do. The letter in the trunk is certainly an option, but so is that confrontation and it would be confrontation, believe me. Time is not however on my side, so thank you for raising the topic and making me think of what is best for all of us.
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It certainly is an important topic; what if? I guess it’s different for everyone. It’s not if I drop off my perch, but when, and that as my dearest would say we neither know the time nor the day. For me, I’m totally out and I guess, proud. Everyone knows, well, just about everyone, and who finds out, who cares? Why hide? it’s who you are or what you are. We were born that way, no if or buts, it’s a fact of life. Personally, being a little closer to ‘curtains’ than many, it’s all in my will (a must) to be dressed in my best frock in the coffin; going out in style. I have someone I know well who will come over and sort out the wardrobe of clothes for others or a charity; it won’t concern me, I’ll be arguing with the lady upstairs as to why. My version of a God is female.
Fear is your greatest enemy.
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It is a great topic and one we must all deal with. I am fortunate that my wife knows about my other self and this makes it easier. If I go first, I’m sure she will actually pinch some of my outfits as she has done with my knickers. Yes, we share, however she still doesn’t feel comfortable really meeting me enfem. This is fine, I have learned to live with it. But we all need to consider what to do in the event. I think the envelope with all the details stashed with your clothes is really the best way to go about it. Maybe even a picture of what you look like. This way you don’t have to have the awkward conversation with a loved one, with the unknown of whether they will accept or reject.
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May I offer a further take on the subject of letting those around us know about our feminine proclivities after our demise?
I am tidying up my recently deceased mother’s estate. A difficult task but one with an extraordinary twist for me. In throwing out half a lifetime of of things of meaning to her I came across a dress she made for herself in about the mid 70s when she would have been in her 40s. Beautifully made and finished but never hemmed. I have seen it before but I cannot remember why she never wore it. I do remember she was very proud of it.
Firstly, I salvaged the dress and it will be my most treasured dress. It is about a size 12 and fits me as though made for me.
I did tell mum of my need to dress several years ago and while she didn’t understand why I would, she accepted it as part of the son she loved. And I am almost overwhelmed by her much loved but never worn efforts fitting me and forming a mother- son bond.
And thus my further observation. Now with both my parents gone and now getting on myself I realise how many things I would love to ask both of them and discuss with them, even after my lifetime of having been very close to both of them and having talked long with both of them.
I am so aware of the importance of being open with my children on everything they might need to know for their futures without me.
Not just my dressing but my fears, challenges, successes, because anything I refuse to share with them is permanent.
Letters with my clothes and with wills? Yes, but not as good as sharing. So I will try very hard to be very open with each of them.
Oh, and just to end on a lighter note, I commenced my letter to my children with the unoriginal line “If you are reading this letter, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is, I am dead. The good news is, you are not…”
Geraldine. -
Cooincidentally & independently of this post I initiated the conversation with my children – both in their mid-40s with their own families.
Just for background, I was widowed 2 1/2 years ago, & only ventured “out” less than 12 months ago. The 3 score and 10 years has long gone.
The reaction from both kids was marvelous. This may change as they “process” the knowledge – but I really think not. I made it clear to them that I have no intentions of parading Bree in front of them, and more particularly the grand kids. This may evolve.
I am very pleased with the peace of mind as a result of knowing that they now know enough that when the inevitable (which I hope not too soon) comes, they will be able to go through the dual wardrobes with some equanimity.Very proud of both children.
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Well done. I love this message. Yes, it’s always good to know that you’ve raised good kids.
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As good as it can get. Congratulations to you and to them. I am very happy for you all.
Geraldine. -
Great experience Bree. After coming out to my daughter recently, we have decided to find the right moment to have a conversation with my 18 y.o. granddaughter. As she lives with me that will make my life so much easier and relieve the burden of deceit. It will also make my life a lot more relaxed with out the tension and fear of leaving Fay’s stuff around. Will update after we talk.
Fay
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What a great story Bree…good on you
