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Who to tell you’re TG
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I’ve already had my say on this matter, but Jen put the “impact on one’s SO” better than I could, so here it is again.
The one thought I would like to introduce here is “gosh this is not just all about me” How would my beloved partner feel if she thought people were looking at her and saying things like “she is married to that……”, How can she stay with…..” or whatever people might say.
If I did come out (which I won’t) she may not want anyone else to know and what trepidation she may feel daily that I might decide to come out to others.
I am sure that only each of us can know what is right for us ….AND THOSE AROUND US. I would do anything to protect and not cause anguish to my loved ones so Jenny shall remain closeted to other than like minded friends here on TGR. I have only ever ventured out twice once to a Kangaroo Valley weekend about 7 years ago and met some lovely TGR people. I still treasure that weekend.
So my pennies worth is consider not just ourselves and our feelings…but those near and dear.
Loud “here here’s” from a southerly direction
Regards
Caty
BENT SENSE OF HUMOUR TIME….There is ONE reason why I would like to tell mu SO about Caty. Not too many moons ago she won $500.00 in an amateur photo comp. Whilst we did have some lovely shots, I’m sure she could improve greatly on the recent “photo shoot” I had with Jessica up in Melbourne.!!!
YES?
NO ?
Delete that you think should not apply..
Caty
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I totally agree that others should be considered when deciding who to tell, as well us how trustworthy they are. This is not to say disregard your own needs as that is a very destructive path in its own way.
If you are a crossdresser then, in my opinion, it may be possible to never tell anybody and carry on as normal. However if you are transgender I think you should tell your partner after a reasonable period of time and not bottle it up until too much time has passed. The longer you wait the more damage it will usually cause. If they don’t accept you, it may still allow you to move on more quickly with relationships and the lifestyle you wish to lead.
Of course these are generalisations and my opinion only. Everybody has different circumstances that affect who and when they reveal themselves to.
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Quote:If you are a crossdresser then, in my opinion, it may be possible to never tell anybody and carry on as normal. However if you are transgender I think you should tell your partner after a reasonable period of time and not bottle it up until too much time has passed.
Tatiana, I for all intents & purposes am a ‘crossdresser’ but I still regard myself as transgender. To me the term ‘transgender covers a wide spectrum.
I have struggled with keeping secrets for a while now & only last night posted in another forum about this issue. It is a tricky situation about who to tell but nevertheless it still eats me up I can’t share this part of my life with the ones I love. Unfortunately IMO most people outside our community don’t remotely understand.
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I’ve struggled for a lifetime with being TG, and struggled for that same lifetime keeping my secret internalised. The internalisation of being TG manifests, in my opinion into depression, anxiety and ultimately to suicidal thoughts and maybe suicidal actions. If we are keeping our secret internalised, who are we internalising such secrets for? ourselves, our SO’s, our children, our careers, our presentation as upstanding cisgender citizens complete with short back and sides haircuts etc. Perhaps we’re keeping our secret out of fear, or the sheer terror of being found out; no wonder we are depressed and possessing suicidal thoughts. That, in my opinion is not the way to live, it is not the way to freedom of expression as to who we are, it is the long road to despair, isolation and self deprivation.
I have read the posts on this subject from our members and sympathise with their many varying views. I wonder just how they are viewed by their partners, as courageous, timid, strong or weaklings.
I for one have been down the path of despair, of suicidal attempts and for what, to hide the authentic me, to present as something I am not. No longer, folk must take me as I am, a transgender person, out and proud. To some people, not my SO and friends, I’m queer, loopy, in need of psychiatric straightening out, a cure for this unacceptable chosen lifestyle.
Since I have been out and proud, I have found the vast majority of people accept me as is without pretentions. Such acceptance allows me peace of mind to live my life as it ought to be. My clothes which by the way are all female, are hung in a closet (pun intended) where they should be. My underwear is in a drawer, my shoes on shelves in a cupboard. I don’t hide, why the hell should I? My wife at last likes me as I am, I have a very reasonable relationship with my adult son, my middle aged daughter accepts me as I am, I have not really been rejected. It has taken time to reach this position.
I will attend this years Transformal as Liz, and Liz only with my head held high. I will be there with the blessing of my wife. -
I absolutely agree with Liz. Like Liz, I do not dismiss the feelings of others but one of the difficulties I’ve observed with the beliefs & opinions of those who are fearful of negative outcomes, is that they are not ‘out’ so they cannot know with confidence what the responses from others will be. At best, the views are based on assumption, understandably usually fear of rejection.
I am not being critical but rather trying to be logical. The most useful assistance I have indirectly received in regard to being ‘out’ has come from the knowledge that I am not a pioneer – many other transgendered people are ‘out’ there living completely as their authentic selves (whatever that may be). I’ve read their stories, seen them on television & where possible I try to meet them. If they can live publicly as Tg people & I live publicly as an obviously transgendered person, then the belief that society won’t accept such differences seems ill founded. I am not being critical of those who are fearful, I actually write in the hope that some will at least dip their toe in the water to see that things are not necessarily as you may believe.
Quote:Unfortunately IMO most people outside our community don’t remotely understand.Kristen, very sincerely I am not intending to be critical. I may be wrong in your case but I have experienced with other Tg people who do go out in public…because they present in stealth they don’t actually get to speak to the general public as ‘themselves’. Generally the Tg people that I am referring to avoid direct (conversational) contact with the public where possible, even though the Tg person is in public. This scenario doesn’t allow for the Tg person to actually know what the viewer may think, feel or understand about gender – let alone transgender.
IMO, it is a mixed bag as to what ‘other’ people think of my being Tg. What I can confidently say though is that no-one has ever done more than snigger under their breathe. Almost every day I encounter at least one more person who dispels the myth that Tg people do not have allies amongst non Tg people. If it is true for me, why would it not be true for others?Usually people don’t understand because they don’t have knowledge (of course sometimes it’s intellect). If those with the knowledge don’t share it, how will the ignorant member of society ever come to understand?
Who you tell is a personal choice but ultimately your choice comes down to what is more important to you. Essentially it is a decision which is informed by morality, ethics & personal comfort.
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At the end of the day this discussion seems to split down the middle.
On one side we have those who have told their partners they are TG and the relationship has (to date) survived. They are statistically a minority, Liz, Chloe and myself fall into that group.On the other hand we have those who live in fear. The fear is real because the prognosis for introducing TG into an established relationship is very poor. I don’t know what TG social circles the proponents of coming out move in – but each month I hear of relationships hitting stony times because of sharing the secret. I accept that maybe relationships with TG people are possibly already a bit shaky, and hearing the reason why could be the last straw. But….it does happen a lot.
Where I agree with those proposing the “throw caution/fear to the wind” approach is that the public in general is either passively accepting or actively supportive of diverse gender expression. The response I get in public does not in any way depend on the knowledge that my partner is supportive.
I think the danger in this discussion is assuming that what goes for the public at large holds true in family relationships. From my perspective I see that it so clearly does not. Maybe those who have experienced this first hand need to join in the discussion and share their experiences.
For many people in established relationships, exploring the supportive attitude of the public is not a preferred option. They reasonably assume that if the world knows it is only a matter of time before the family finds out.
As has been said before, at the end of the day the choice is a personal risk assessment. It will depend on the degree to which you can reconcile your gender with staying in the closet, and the characteristics of your relationship. With these unknowns it is an area where I would be reluctant to offer counseling or advice.
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As Adriana says there’s no clear path to take . My experience has been a lot less positive with my partner. She is not accepting of the other me at all and doesn’t want to know her.Some would call it a bad rrelationship anyway because she is not a communicator and I am but we never argue or fight , the worst ever is we get a bit cranky with each other on occasion.
For me the rest of the world can go to hell I could care not but the one I love is truly what life is about and this has caused her great anguish. I can’t now unscramble the egg so the resultant impending destruction of the relationship seems impossible to avoid. If life were simple we would all accept each other for who we each are without condition but this is not the world in which we live. Most people have a veiw of the world that sits comfortably with their gender role so find it hard to believe it is not the only way you can be and my wife is in that position. She has sought out an atypical male and found one but the difference is way beyond what she wanted so I can see the problem . Unfortunately I have been in doubt about myself since I was a child but was not clear on what the problem was till about six years ago. Already married and still happy with the love of my life I found this impossible to share as I knew it would be destructive and sure enough it is. For me it has been growing strong since I realized and it was going to be impossible to continue with my life as it was, I supposed the end was inevitable so I chose to reveal for the sake of my sanity.I see the reasons people withholding the truth and I know only they can judge what is going to work in their own family dynamic and the truth is not always required by all for life to be happy. As I know the truth can destroy the love you have and it is like being gutted as it happens I’m not at the end of this yet, , there is a question in my heart as to weather I will ever know what it is to truly be happy. It’s a question for which there is no answer and a question most of the world doesn’t seek an answer that can save ones sanity and ones life.
The only answer who and when to tell is there’s no answers only opinion, something everyone has and lots of folks put theirs above all others, we are individuals and it’s only what you think that matters.
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I have to agree with Amanda, when she notes the damage done by brutal honesty. I really don’t think it’s that black-and-white. Here’s my cautionary tale.
I’ve been a MtF crossdresser (CD) since the age of seven, though in recent years I’ve realised (reluctantly) that I’m TG, possibly transsexual. As a CD, I enjoyed conventional, long-term relationships with a number of women (I do have a predilection for sexual fetishes, however, which was never introduced to these relationships). As far as I can tell, none of them ever realised that I was a CD, for if they did, these very straight women would have left me in a flash (I don’t know why I’ve always ended up with such women, but I put it down to one of those quirks of life. I do look quite conventional, I suppose, which is a good example of not to judging a book by its cover).
I was extremely happy to be living a double life, as it catered to my gender fluidity. I was able to be female often enough to be happy, as well as blending in with male friends and their partners. In other words, my social life and relationships were, on the surface, quite conventional (I had a professional dance career, which is typically full of very straight, conservative women). I imagine that I could have lived that double life forever. My taste in partners and their sexuality were gradually evolving, of course, but that in itself is not completely unusual as we age. It’s just a sign that we are becoming more familiar with what makes us happy, without undergoing a fundamental paradigm shift.
It wasn’t until the twilight hours of what has now been a 12-year relationship that things started to go completely pear-shaped. 9-years in and what should have really been an end to an exhausted relationship ended up being hours of counselling for me. As a couple, we were dissecting every minutia of our dying relationship and I agreed to go and see a psychologist. I told the psychologist about my CD and other aspects of my double life and she came back, after a couple of sessions, with the conclusion that I was transsexual and that I would probably go the full transition. Make of that “diagnosis” what you will, but mentally it sliced a huge rift between my two otherwise distinct lives.
Partly because I thought our relationship was about to end and partly because I was going to the psych over anxiety and relationship issues, I didn’t bother telling my partner about the TS “diagnosis”. In fact, I brushed it aside, thinking that my psychologist was a little crazy and that her conclusion seemed too rigid and dictatorial to be ethical. She also told me to be cautious about revealing my gender status to my partner. Nonetheless, the seed had been planted (or had a dormant seed just been germinated?).
My relationship finally ended in that ninth year (or so I thought), due predominantly to the usual litany of relationship woes. I moved out, and we spent a year or so living in separate states. I don’t know if it was the familiarity we had fostered during our many years together (it was a happy relationship), or the tyranny of distance, but we ended up missing each other quite a bit. Eventually, we both ended up living in Sydney together, which was fantastic – for a while, at least.
Our reunion was so good, in fact, that my partner became pregnant. Our environment felt safe and wonderful, why not have a child? We hadn’t planned or factored in a pregnancy, yet our euphoric state meant that we thought a pregnancy wouldn’t be a bad thing. It’s amazing that we were so naïve. I especially hate myself for this decision, as I’d never wanted children for a plethora of reasons; primarily because of my need for privacy and a set of long-held nihilistic philosophies. Nature is devious. It only took one utopian moment in time for us to make a single, life-changing, yet beautiful, blunder. If we had waited another week for some of the shine to wear off our idyllic lifestyle, there’s a good chance that she would not have fallen pregnant. It’s all academic now, anyway.
During the pregnancy my need to dress became more frequent and profound. I started reading widely about transgenderism. I started seeing another psychologist (who had more experience with the LGBT community than my previous psychologist), who independently concluded that I was TG and, again, quite possibly TS. She referred me to a psychiatrist who had a lot of experience with gender identity issues.
Importantly, and to their credit, all three doctors cautioned that I should be wary about revealing my gender identity to my partner, as the result would most likely be devastating to the both of us as individuals and to the relationship. How right they were.For some reason, I thought a spontaneous moment in the middle of the pregnancy was the best time to reveal my gender status. It started with a couple of quiet words to inform her that I was TG. At first, I thought that I had judged the situation well. However, while she is intelligent and well-educated and sensitive to minority issues, these theoretical leanings betrayed her when it came to a real life scenario – that is, a scenario that involved her personally.
To be honest, I have no complaints about her less than favourable reaction to my admission. She was attracted to me as a male and, as she has said numerous times since, she’s not a lesbian. While I’ve tried, I just can’t argue that point – attraction is an emotional issue, not a cold, rational one.
For the last 2-years, we have done nothing but go over the same ground, wondering what to do next. We have an amazing son, who we both love dearly. However, we have decided to split, as she has always said from the start that she could not accept living with me, even if I never transitioned. Just knowing that I am TG is enough for her to run a mile. It’s taken a while for her to start running, though, as we are still very much in love. As a result, we are seeing a psych to help us through the quagmire of particular separation circumstances. And then there’s our son to consider.
All I can say is that the last 3-years or so have been the worst I have ever experienced. I’ve never felt so torn up inside as a result of my own personal pain and witnessing the pain that I’ve inflicted upon someone I love dearly. As for my son, well, that pain is still to come. For both my partner and I, our decision is not a solution, but rather one of many miserable decisions that we could have made. We think that the decision to split is the least worst of the decisions available, but the guilt of separation after the arrival of our son weighs heavily upon both of us.
Sometime after breaking the news to my partner, I started a trial of HRT on my psychiatrist’s advice. Due to the reaction I received for mentioning that I was TG, I have not revealed this to my (soon to be former) partner. I have felt at home on hormones. However, I fear for the future and what my son will think about my choices and why his father is, while perhaps not entirely female, not entirely male. Conversely, if I stop hormones, I feel that I could miss out on the way that I want to live. Irrespective of my decision, I feel as though I will be in limbo forever. I feel as though there is no way that I can lead my life so that I am not resentful and despondent – let alone happy. I have had a fantastic life up until a while ago, but now I think mine will be a miserable existence.
The point of this long post (apologies) is that I am unsure if I would by writing this sad tale if I had not revealed my gender status to my partner. This is because I suspect that some kind of cognitive reflexivity is involved, due in part to my partner’s response to my disclosure and assimilating that response into my own self-perception (in 35-years, I had never come out to anyone outside of a psychologist’s room). In short, it identified – rightly or wrongly, positively or negatively – a gender identity that may or may not have been a part of me. As I suggested earlier, did my first psychologist plant or germinate the idea of my current gender identity? If I had not seen this first psychologist, would I have taken the rocky path that I have? Would I have disclosed to my partner? Would I be taking hormones? Or, alternatively, would I have continued as I was; happily crossdressing in the closet while engaging in conventional sexual relationships with women? I think it’s all but impossible to arrive at conclusive answers to these questions, but they constantly haunt my thoughts.
To date, no psychologist or (with respect) forum discussion has had any impact on my feelings of personal loss, hopelessness, guilt, anguish, self-hatred, desperation, depression, misery and sadness. My stance is not some self-indulgent challenge that I’m levelling at the world and nor is it a case of me resisting help. On the contrary, I have sought help numerous times and could think of nothing better than leading a fulfilling, productive life. Unfortunately, I’ve just never been able to coordinate the necessary cognitive tools, or heard any reasons that genuinely move me to seek out and adopt that kind of life. Currently the only thing keeping me alive is a tenuous grasp on an old childhood philosophy: If my death is inevitable – and therefore all memories of suffering – then I may as well stick around until the end.
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Hi Sevalan,
Thank you for your story. I have been following this discussion with a great deal of interest as I have been in the throes of deciding how to or whether I should reveal my other self to my partner of 12 years.
My ex-wife discovered Pamela’s things after twenty years of marriage and three children (one more was still to come) and although I didn’t realise it at the time our relationship was dealt a mortal blow. We divorced after twnty seven years and four children. I don’t want to go through the anguish of another breakup at my age.I can see there is no easy answer to this problem. I have become very active in my cross-dressing of recent years and I think it will only be a matter of time before she finds there is another woman in our lives. I have contingency plans in place but my worst fear is that Pamela would have to severely curtail her activities and this is not something I want to do…
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I can relate to Pamela’s story. My wife found out I dressed and it terminated our marriage. It was a painful experience I never wish to go through again and it has made me very careful who I allow into Helen’s world. My Son knows I dress but has never seen Helen. I don’t want to introduce him to her at present, but I feel that the time will come and once it comes, then I’ll have no option. I firmly belieie that I am getting to a stage where I will have to start telling people even if it’s just for peace of mind, but I think that when I do then the relief will be worth it.
I think that coming out to friends and family will be like moving from the closet to going out in public, once you have done it once, then the odds are that you’ll carry on.
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How diverse we all are in our own lives. We, as individuals, can provide advice and support based on our own lifes experience; which, by the way, is often interwoven with our own struggles for acceptance. I doubt I could say anything that we have all not already felt or wanted to feel. How to break the ice with close family and relatives and measure that need with our own to be who we are is, and often will be, too hard to contemplate.
I suppose, in the long run, there are many of us that live a compromised life of acceptance. For example, my SO other accepts me and my needs, but only to a point. If we expressed that to our daughter, its likely the relatinship would be severely damaged. In the long run, my SO and I weigh up our needs in a relationship and each others personal needs.
This works fine in an adult environment, with those that are adequately educated and non judgemental. Can our teenage daughter accept my needs? The answer is probably not. As she does and has not yet had the knocks of life mould her feelings.
I live a life of compromise due to the unconditional love I have for my family. I weigh up when and where I can tell some members, not all, of what my individual needs are; however, I’m responsible for a life I helped bring into the world and will consider her feelings above my own.
I only express my situation to give one example of how there are many aspects and decisions that need to be made under present circumstances.
Personally, I don’t beleive its an easy thing to do for anyone.
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One of the things we can’t do is wind back the clock and try a different route. Thirty years ago when my wife felt she could no longer handle “Carol” and with responsibilities to a young family I chose to pretend to give up cross-dressing and went covert. Now in my mid 60s I’ve come out to my wife again and to my three adult daughters. My sons-in-law and grandchildren don’t know. I’ve admitted to myself and the medicos that I want to transition. I’ve started anti-androgens and expect to be on hrt next week. I haven’t told the family that it goes beyond dressing but they are intelligent and will work it out soon. Then I may or may not lose all family relationships. I’m tormented by the life I might have had if I’d taken the big step earlier. Counsellors and psychs have helped me work out who I am but if I’m honest I always knew. They helped in the birth but didn’t plant the seed. Now I have to deal with the results of choices a younger me made.
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I came out to my wife after 30 years of marriage and it was a terrible blow to her. The thing that hurt her the most wasn’t the crossdressing but the fact that I had lied to her for 30 years. The crossdressing she can ignore but the fact that I decieved her for so long was the hardest thing to get over.
I think though that in retrospect, if I had to start another relationship I would be out to her before the affair became too permanent. Some women will never be able to handle a man in a dress, some will. Unfortunatelty untill you tell your wife you will never know for sure.Good luck if you do though!!!
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My whole point when I started this thread was for the survival of relationships with wives and SO’s it is indeed wise to be upfront from the word go, that way the wives to be, or SO’s have a choice. Walk away, or stay for the ride and see what develops.
Now I know others have said no way are they ‘owning up’ for fear of losing the partner and families, and that’s their choice, and I understand that point of view. However it is what the wives and SO’s cannot abide is the fact they have been betrayed and lied to, often for many years. It’s the lie that puts the spanner in the works and more often as not terminates the relationship, not necessarily the crossdressing. As Pamela said, it was the deception that ended her marriage and not necessarily the dressing. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t own up until many years had elapsed, although there had been many clues since the word go.There are no right or wrongs on this issue, it’s a matter of choice and circumstances that determine disclosure.
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Each of us comes from unique situations. General advice about whether to tell your wife or not about your crossdressing may or may not be helpful depending on ones own personal circumstances.
For myself it took me 30 years of marriage before I told my wife. I had finally come to accept that “what will be will be” and I could no longer live a lie as this was destroying me.
I now believe that I should have told my spouse earlier, preferably before we got married. But having hindsight is a luxury I didn’t have at the time and it is only looking back that I can see that would have been the best decision.
I didn’t tell my wife about my crossdressing activities before we were married for a number of reasons.
1. I didn’t understand the feelings about crossdressing that I was having at the time. So how could I explain what was going on. I still don’t understand this attraction to being feminine.
2. I thought that after getting married that it would all just go away as I now had a real woman in my life. I was totally wrong thinking this and after a brief lull in crossdressing gradually over the years the desire to be feminine has grown.
3. I was scared that divulging this information about myself might destroy our relationship and I didn’t want that to happen.
4. I thought that by being the only person to know about this side of me, I could control the situation and thus keep my secret from being exposed to the whole world.
5. I thought that I was the only person like this in the world and that if anyone else knew I would be treated as a freak and subjected to ridicule.Over the years most of these reasons for not telling became less significant. But then another reason emerged in that if after all these years my wife was told the trust we had in our marriage would be irrevocably shattered by this revelation that I had kept secret.
Therefore think seriously about telling your spouse especially if you have been married for some time. Weigh up all the pros and cons of your own personal situation before telling and only tell if you can accept the consequences. Once the genie is out of the bottle it can never be returned.
