-
Who to tell you’re TG
-
I came out relatively early in the relationship and although extremely stressful at first, worked out very well in the end and got married 5 years ago.
It may depend on the person though. Better across dresser that a wife beater or child molester.
On the funny side she enjoys going out occasionally as two girls but an effeminate shirt in male mode is a no no.
I do have thoughts on transition but decided a relationship was more important, I just need a outlet part of the time to be feminine.
Just a borderline case. When I was young I did not think I was a girl but thought a lot of the girls were much more masculine that I was and just did not fit in anywhere except on the dance floor. Masculine environment feel very uncomfortable.
Vicki
-
As quite a newbie to this website, I have been reading a lot of threads.
So much of this thread hits the spot.
Angela summed it up nearly perfect for me in the 5 points.
I have a similar story to most I guess.
PLayed dressup’s with younger sister, until I was told, I was too old to wear dresses. Worn mums underwear.
Once I got my own car, would acquire some nightwear, would wear it to bed, but so shit scared of being caught, would not keep it for very long.
Wear stockings under my clothes, and again, afraid of being caught would discard quickly. And so on and so on.
Would look at the womens clothes in catalogues, not the mens.
After I started to date a girl, who is now my wife, a few friends came out and said, they thought I was gay. Thats all well and good.
Angela’s point here. I thought getting married would make the cravings go away. That seeing my wife in nice things might be all I was craving.
But it wasn’t long before I would get the cravings again.
Every now and then, would try on a skirt, underwear, or acquire the clothes, and again, would discard very quickly. I thought I was just perverted, a degenerate of sorts. But the feelings dont go away.
So I have wrestled with it. Have been married 18 years now.
Last school holidays were coming up, and my sister was down from the country, staying with us. She suggested that we come up for some of the school holidays. I couldn’t , work reason, but I suggested that my So, and the kids could. They all agreed, and at that very moment, as if I had a slap in the face, Michelle woke up again. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I had about a week before they were going away.
I went shopping, bought underwear’s, skirt, top, dress , stockings, sleepwear.
I got to sleep in a nightie for the first time in over 20 years.
I finished work saturday morning, and had the next 28 hours to myself.
It was euphoria, amazing, it felt so right. And why shouldn’t it.
The next couple of weeks, anytime decent amount of time I had alone, was for Michelle.
I even got my ears pierced. That did not go down well with the SO.
Now, the euphoria has worn off.
I love having earrings by the way.
Emotions in head are running riot. Hang on this is suppose to fun.
I dont think Michelle is content in coming out occasionally, and certainly wont go back in the box. Not that I want her too.
So, maybe I should tell the SO.
I got 2 kids, 14 son and 11 daughter, and they are precious to me.
I want to shout it out, I want to be Michelle.
But I want to tell my SO.
Will it make me feel better, probably.
Will it make her feel okay. Crickey, I doubt it. So would I just be shifting my guilt to her, and who’s is she gonna want to talk to.
So many questions, and no answers.
And yes, then comes depression. Been there, and dont want to go there again.
Driving around between jobs, and in tears. Shit, I’m a bloke for heavens sake, what the hell is wrong with you.
No, I am Michelle. ???
And, now, it gets scary.
I was in the backyard 2 days ago, with the chainsaw cutting up a tree, I looked at the chainsaw, and for a couple of moments, I said to myself, Here, right now, I can finish it.
As I wipe the tears from the keyboard now, hiding in the bedroom from my family on a saturday afternoon, Yer, i need professional help.
I might be writing this in the wrong thread, but last night was the hell.
I am still here.
So I dont know what is going to be harder, to tell or not to tell, but I have been reading, and rereading posts.
Thanks to those who I have chatted with in the chat room, and would know I have been quite chirpy.
And thanks to those that have allready emailed me.
Caty has been a godsend.
I am sure I am not the first, and wont be the last for feel so shit.
BUt as Servalan said, if my death is inevitable, I might as well stick around.
Sorry for the length, and the depressing post.Michelle…
[/quote] -
Michelle, when I started this post I suppose I had common idea of whom I was aiming at. The answer was everyone who is transgender, transsexual, or a crossdresser. I think just about everyone (tg, that is) has been through similar feelings and distressing times like you in our lives, ranging from mild distress through to severe clinical depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts. Again I’m making an assumption based on my own experiences over my long lifetime; yes I’ve been through the whole gambit of emotions, from suicidal actions to severe depression and hospitalisation; not good for anyone.
Like you I chose my family over transition because I loved them dearly and wouldn’t swap them for the world. Oh yes, I gave the idea of transition serious thought, but then I had no wish to be a lonely, old and miserable bugger.
I firmly believe that my life improved once I had ‘come out’ to my wife. Although my wife had a pretty good idea I enjoyed crossdressing, the extent of my feelings and involvement was new to her. Coming out was only part of the equation, prominent was self acceptance, coupled with coming clean and self owning up to the fact of who in reality you are; you look like a man but feel strongly, internally as a woman, assuming we have an idea how a woman feels? A very weird combination indeed, no wonder the ‘normal’ members of the community see ‘us’ as strange.
I now personally feel it is an obligation on our part to be truthful, not only to ourselves, but those we love and cherish around us. To be so truthful is indeed an inner strength of character.
Before everyone jumps down my throat, I know we are all different, and a good job too, otherwise how boring. We all have differing circumstances and we choose to act based on those circumstances. You, and you alone know your family well enough to consider ‘coming out’ to, and it’s your decision and yours alone.
Believe me, I feel for you, your tumultorous inner feelings and just what those feelings can do for the self. I wish you all the very best for now and the future. -
Truth is a powerful thing that can work for and against you. Coming out reveals a truth that some people will cope with and others not. The teen years are apparently the most difficult time for such revelations according to my psychologist and psychiatrist. But like anything its an individual thing.
I found that it was a powerful stress factor, keeping the secret, I had a skin problems like psoriasis and my Dr said that it was stress related. I doubted that assertion as I had rid myself of all of the stress that I thought it was. My wife knew of my problems but not the full extent. With in three weeks of revealing that truth the skin complaint I had for the last ten years completely disappeared. Still didn’t solve every thing but it seems like the release of the secret was internally beneficial if not immediately for others around me.
-
I am still under cover and when I was compelled to tell a few of my family why my marriage broke down I told the truth, that I cross dressed. My son wasn’t at all fazed , his advice and counsel was brilliant. He recommended that I manage my dressing because if I controlled it I would have all sorts of problems. I was overjoyed with his reaction, we are closer than ever. My mother wasn’t worried and took it in her stride. My sister and brother in law pledged their support, however there was a proviso, that being I never put photos of myself on line…
The proviso was the thing that concerned me, it was OK except…… To me that was somewhat disingenuous on her part and it also made me feel that my needs were to be tolerated not supported. I do not think that my sister could accept me as Helen whereas my Son and mother could.
-
No one wakes up one day and decides to be gender variant.
Recent research into brain morphology and neurophysiology shows distinct differences between genetic males and genetic females, but that “female” characteristics occur in some males and vice versa with females. The degree to which these characteristics occur probably drives the way in which a person expresses their gender identity – which is supported by the TgR 2011 survey results, i.e. MMMM, MMMF…. FFFF.
I, like most (all?) on TgR and elsewhere, have a deep seated need to express my femaleness. Over the years I have tried to deny/suppress/ignore that need, but it keeps resurfacing, stronger and stronger. It is very stressful to deny that aspect of who I am, especially if I’m hiding it from significant people in my life. It’s living a lie and it’s deceitful.
However, unlike the GLB of GLBT, the MTF person is usually obvious to all once in gender variant mode – and that mode is challenging to many people because of the cognitive dissonance it sets up. This is especially so if someone who knows me as Michael then meets me as Chantelle. I really want to be treated and thought of as a woman, but it’s a big ask: those people’s brains are screaming “That’s not a woman”. So, all I can realistically ask is respect for my right to present as Chantelle.
With intimate relationships, there’s a lot of biological and psychological factors at play. Put simply, most women are sexually attracted to genetic males or, if not, to genetic females. I’ve had two significant relationships end as a result of disclosing my gender variance and a third, in which it was known from the start but required never to be expressed, ended when I reemerged. During a lengthy period in 2000 as full-time, unattached, Chantelle no one was interested in an intimate relationship, but the moment I put her “back in the box” I was attractive again (but not to those who knew). I don’t blame those women for their reactions: they were just conforming to their biological, evolutionary programming.
So, as for the topic of this thread, to not disclose (especially to those close) is damaging in the long term to both ourself and to them. To disclose, we run the risk of being rejected and then emotionally/socially isolated, which is a commonly reported condition for TG people.
On a brighter note, I disclosed early to my current partner and she is very supportive, even embracing some aspects of Chantelle (so there are some happy outcomes, as quite a few others here have also found). That said, my gender variance is not without its challenges for her and I need to bear that in mind lest I take her for granted. It’s all too easy to get into “cake and eat it” mode.
-
They say a week is a long time in politics, well…
Last Saturday I was having coffee as Helen and feeling very happy when I looked around and my next door neighbour saw me.. I said hello to him and went inside. This evening I received an E-mail from a friend’s wife that said she saw a photo of me as Helen on line. I said yes it was me and we have chatted about it. My neighbours and I still chat, share a red and life is carrying on… I have increased the number of those who know I am TG and am very comfortable, even happy about what has happened over the past week.
-
I would often go out as Alison but I was always worried that the neighbours would see me walking from the front door to the car or spot me driving down the driveway, and what their reaction would be.
I had been caught out by the postman and he has never said anything or acted differently, so that was a big relief.
Since then I have thought what the heck, so what if neighbours see me. I now don’t care and the whole street can see me. I am not sneaking out to my car any more.
I know a few people in the street have seen me but there has been no negative reaction. My partner and I thought they may have come and told her but they haven’t.
We have just got new neighbours and I am wondering should I tell them or let them find out when they see me. I expect they will most likely see me one evening putting the bins out.
For 50+ years I have worried what other people will think and might say, I was so silly because people are too wrapped up with their own lives to bother about me.
Life is so much easier now I know people know about Alison. I always thought there would be hate mail or even worse, but there wasn’t.
Now if only Alison could go down the shops, I saw a couple of girls walking through Frankston a few weeks ago and I so wished I had spoken to them. As they walked by with shopping bags in their hands, I watched the public and hardly anyone turned their heads. Seeing them gave me even more courage.
The world is at last changing and people are becoming more understanding.
-
I’m at the same don’t care after 50yrs stage as you Alison but my wife is still terrified of the neighbours catching me. So I’m out and proud in Sydney but behind closed doors or ducking and weaving when in our little village.
