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Why we do it and …
Why we do it and …
When did you start wearing women’s clothes? What was the first thing you tried on? How long did it take before you progressed to other things? Whose clothes did you first try on? Why are we compelled to dress like the opposite sex? Yes, there are so many questions and I’m sorry, but I don’t have the answer to many of them. You are the only one that can do that for yourself. We have to be honest with ourselves and come out of the closet if we are to be happy. This life is too short and the need to dress is just too strong to repress. We are all in different situations, but also in the same situation. We may live in different parts of the world and feel that we are unique in our circumstances, but we are not. No, we all have the same challenges to face. Stealing a moment here or there and hoping that we won’t get caught. Our actions will always bring about a reaction from someone.
I first started with a pair of pantyhose. Yes, an innocent little item that I stole from my mother’s dresser. That innocent piece of clothing got me hooked on a lifelong passion of wearing women’s clothes. I couldn’t believe how nice they felt on my legs. This of course then graduated to other items and eventually I was wearing a full set of women’s clothes and couldn’t seem to get enough. Did I know that this would follow me for the rest of my life? No, I didn’t. But I tell you now that it has been the part of me that has given the most joy and a beautiful sense of relaxation that nothing else has been able to replicate. I do many other things in my life and enjoy them all, but when I am feeling stressed, all I have to do is start the transformation and within minutes, I am feeling so very good about everything. How would I label myself? Well this has always been the question I have really not had a definite answer to. You see, I see myself as both male and female in the same body. I love to do male things and this I do with much enjoyment. But when I change into my female side, I love nothing better that enjoying the female things in life.
I would class myself as having a softer personality in both male and female mode. I love women and everything about them. I like to treat everyone, whether male or female with the utmost respect and expect the same in return. I have learned to be respectful of others feelings and that mine are not the most important in the world. Yes, we have to learn to deal with other people feelings when we indulge in something so all-encompassing as what we do. Understand that not everyone can come to terms with what we do. We must learn to read the signs around us and know when it’s okay and it’s not okay. If you want someone to accept you, you have to be prepared to be flexible and give them the space they need to come to terms with everything. Remember, you have had this with you your whole life and you can’t expect them to understand what it is all about in the first instance of your revelation to them. Be gentle with them and they will be gentle with you. Be aware of their feelings or even how they have been brought up. Yes, times are different now than they used to be, but we have deep-seated instincts that have been engrained in us from a very young age, boys blue, girls pink. This applies to everyone. So be conscious of their feelings and how they process the whole thing. Telling your loved ones that you like to wear women’s clothes and try to look like a woman is fine and it’s the first step in coming out. I don’t suggest you show up in a dress and full makeup and then tell them about your life story. Rejection is the first thing that comes to mind in this situation. Also, be conscious of their feelings. Remember, you have had a lifetime to deal with all of this. You can’t expect complete and overwhelming support the first time. It will take time and you need to be patient. I hate to say this but sometimes the evil demon – jealousy comes into the equation. What do I mean by this you ask? Well look at us, we spend heaps on ourselves to make ourselves look as beautiful as we possibly can and then expect our SO’s to just accept that this is okay. When was the last time you bought her some flowers? When was the last time you got her a nice something to make her feel good? That’s right, we are so focused on our happiness, that we forget that there are 2 people in the relationship. I know I am guilty of this and I am not proud of it. The other side as well is that they may be feeling a bit down about themselves and then we come along and show them what we look like in a dress and fully made up. You have to admit it can be confronting at times. These are the things we have to be aware of and careful about. If you want your relationship with your SO to continue and be on good terms, you need to be caring about their feelings. There is such a simple and easy principle law of life that we need to constantly aware of – For every action there is an equal reaction. Put it into our context and a simple example – If I shave my legs, will it bring about a negative or a positive reaction? That’s how simple it really is. Be aware of others.
We think of the people we love, but we must also think of the others in our lives. Even the people in a café or clothing store. These people have a business to run and if they feel uncomfortable with your presence, then we should respect that. I know it can be discouraging at times, but we need to remember that we are entering their world and their livelihood. It is their business and if they choose not to accept us, then we have to honour that and move on to the next place. Personally, I only like to spend my money where it is appreciated. If they don’t accept me for who and what I am, then they don’t get my money. Again, another very simple principle.
I have always been very curious about others and their feelings in conjunction with the subject of men wearing women’s clothes. I don’t think there are more men doing it, I just think that it is becoming more accepted and out in the open with the different new forms of media that just weren’t around when many of us were younger. Times have definitely changed and we are living in an age of acceptance like has never been seen before. Because of the change in the general attitudes of people and the inability of people to truly express what they think, we have become freer to express our feminine selves more freely. It is no longer against the law to do what we do. So, on that note, it gives us free rein to dress how we choose in public. Do we then just do it? No, because there is that small inner voice telling us that we need to be careful. We need to protect ourselves, be it for safety reasons or for economic reasons. Self-preservation is an integral part of who and what we are. We also need to be honest with ourselves and know the reality of all this. We aren’t all blessed with beauty. We aren’t all blessed with a true female form. Yes, we can recreate a semblance of female beauty and form, but it still comes down to what is staring at us in the mirror. I for one don’t kid myself. I know that I am taller than the average person. So, I must accept the fact that I will stand out in a crowd. I know there are many tall women in the world, but when you look at them, they are just that tall women. They have the build and poise of a woman. I can’t pull this off. Why, you may ask? Well, for starters, I am hirsute. Yes, I can’t shave my arms for starters. I can thin the hair, but I can’t get rid of it entirely because I need to be a male the majority of the time in my life and I wouldn’t be able to explain to my family and friends why all of a sudden, I have chosen to go hair free. It is one of my male features that I actually hate. But I can’t do anything about it, so I’ve learned to live with it. I can’t always use the excuse that the circus is in town and I’m the bearded woman. At least I am clean shaven, which is a major consolation. Oh well it’s long sleeves for me whenever I choose to venture out in public enfemme. Oh, and did I mention I love heels. So again, I project the image of a tall person who chooses to wear women’s clothes occasionally. I have found over the years that no one really takes any notice of their surroundings. They are so caught up in their own little world that what’s happening around them doesn’t really register. Even more so now that people are so buried in their devices that they even end up walking into lampposts. Funny when you see it but very painful when it happens to you. Be realistic in the image you do portray when you do get up the nerve to venture out enfemme. Remember the occasion and the event. If you’re going to the supermarket or out for a day of shopping, make sure you are wearing what all the other women are wearing. Don’t put on the sequin gown you have hanging in the closet, you will just attract even more attention to yourself and even the geek buried in his phone is going to notice you. Blending in the true secret to passing in public and be confident in the way you carry yourself. Stand up straight and look directly ahead. Don’t look down or try to hide, it just looks suspicious and people will think you’re there to rob the place. I like to talk to myself and tell myself I’m a woman and just out to enjoy the excursion. I am woman, I am woman. This just helps to calm the nerves and give me a feeling of confidence. Oh yes, smile. There’s nothing as disarming as a nice smile. It’s very hard for people to be angry or annoyed when they are confronted with a smiling person. It works so well in a lot of situations whether you’re in girl or boy mode.
I briefly mentioned about our SO’s. Well this is a topic that takes up a great deal of our lives. The old story goes, we meet, we fall in love and then we have to deal with “her”. Yes, how do we bring “her” into the equation without destroying everything. It’s a very tough and difficult subject that I know many of us choose to ignore and decide to live in misery. I have a “supportive” wife who knows about me and my dressing, but chooses not to really be an active participant in this part of my life. I know there are many accepting partners out there and to you gurls that have this relationship, you are very lucky. Treasure those gems, they are very rare and like a diamond very hard to find in the wild. Even though they are accepting of you and your lifestyle, you still need to make sure you keep them happy. Don’t abuse the privilege they have extended to you. What is acceptable by them today, may not be the same tomorrow. Be conscious of their feelings. Be supportive of them as they are supportive of you. Their happiness should be a focal point of the success of your relationship. Don’t forget to spoil them and make them feel special. We all need to feel loved and if you are concentrating mainly on your own happiness and satisfaction, it can easily be seen as selfish and this doesn’t help in the ongoing support you will get from your SO. We need to be truly honest with ourselves and know the reality of life and what it takes to make for a successful and harmonious existence with everyone around us.
Thank you for listening and hopefully this has been of some assistance to someone. We need to be there for each other and I know that I have personally been through many ups and downs in my journey and if I had had some support and assistance along the way, it would have made my journey of discovery a much easier path. Happy dressing everyone and look forward to any comments from all. Remember, you are not alone.
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21 Replies
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Jessica, thank you for a wonderful, insightful post. You’ve encapsulated very well the situation many of us find ourselves in.
I am one of those fortunate to have a very supportive partner. That didn’t happen ‘overnight’. It took her a couple of years to get her head around the fact that despite my revelations I was still the same person she married. There were the usual questions about trust and honesty but I was able to explain my feelings towards my actions and she came to understand. Now she enjoys having Jane to talk to, being able to discuss those things that women often talk about only among themselves simply because they believe that the men in their lives wouldn’t be interested, or have shown themselves to be uninterested.
A little bit of cake is good, but too much is bad for you. Sipping a fine wine now and then is pleasant but overindulging can cause problems. Moderation is the best course and so too it is with our dressing. We must never allow our belief in our freedom to dress to become the arrogance of our ‘right’ to do so whenever we choose. As a member of a society we wish to fit into, we must also make concessions to that society. That’s just how it has to be if we wish to be social creatures.
Thank you again for your post Jessica.
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Hi Jane,
Thank you for your reply and yes you are right we need to take it slowly and never abuse the privilege. I think one of the areas that our partners find difficulty in is they can’t talk to anyone about it without revealing that the man they married wears their clothes. It really comes down to social norms and the old saying “What will the neighbours think?” We just have to be caring and keep being constantly aware of their feelings and ultimately their happiness. Again thank you for your kind words.
Regards,
Jessica -
Well done Jessica that was a most interesting read.
Jane added: We must never allow our belief in our freedom to dress to become the arrogance of our ‘right’ to do so whenever we choose.. I don’t think I have ever seen that put better x
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Thank you Jessica for such a well written article, you have put everything so succinctly. Also thank you Jane, as Emma pointed out, your observation,
“We must never allow our belief in our freedom to dress to become the arrogance of our ‘right’ to do so whenever we choose. As a member of a society we wish to fit into, we must also make concessions to that society”. Is brilliantly put.
Thank you both.
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Thanks all for great thoughts. I am happy now where I am and that means being sensitive to when and where I dress. Mostly I spend time dressed somewhere between genders I try and be appropriate for when and where.
I am lucky that I can delete all my hair which is fab. As Jessica said most people are in their own bubbles so as long as your 5 inch heels don’t burst the bubbles things will be generally OK. Even women who are 6 ft and then add heels get stared at so that sort of thing is what I use as my guide. 5 inch heels going out.
Thanks Juliette -
A quick and partial answer to this question could be because female clothes are far more sensous ,They look better and feel better …
luv
Suzzy -
Why we do it is a BIG question…which I guess no one has a complete answer.
In the 20 or so years since I decided I did HAVE to do it and went to a Seahorse meeting, my answer has definitely changed.
As we discover more about our suppressed gender identity the reasons why we have to express our gender seem to morph and change. That isn’t to say you can’t be happy just doing what you do, and then perhaps you may have longer to think through why you are doing it. But for me I didn’t have that sort of long term stability. It was a long journey not an occasional vacation.Suzzzyy2 wrote:because female clothes are far more sensous ,They look better and feel better …A partial answer yes – because it doesn’t explain why some of us feel just fine in old jeans and a T but presenting and feeling feminine. There is heaps more to this I think than clothes, though our taste in clothes is a convenient and perhaps easier to understand introduction to ourselves.
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A wonderful article, Jessica, beautifully put. I think it echoes a lot of our sentiments but you the one who went to the trouble of writing all this. I thought I might show it to my wife but that seems kind of lazy – perhaps I should learn it off by heart! The only thing I would say on my own behalf is that I am a bit bolder in public. I actually don’t mind it that a few people might turn around and stare – a big tall girl? No it’s a man dressed up! But a hot one nonetheless… I have had a few compliments in that way and it’s great! People can be so encouraging of those who are living out their truths. But still, not all are, and you have to choose the right places and times. Well done darling xxx
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Hi Tina,
Thank you for the compliment. I just felt the need to put it down on paper and share it with the group. I know we are all faced with different challenges in our lives, but when it comes down to it many of them are really the same. You don’t have to memorize it, just show it to her. But again it always comes down to the timing as with all things in life. Timing is everything. You are a beautiful person and I love how you show this off to the world. I don’t really have an issue with my height anymore. I know there are some very tall GG’s out there and this has given me the encouragement to go out more. Yes, people can be so nice and encouraging when they see us and to be quite frank there really aren’t any instances I can recall in my life when I have had a derogatory reaction. I guess it’s also because I haven’t put myself in a situation that gives people the freedom to be nasty. I too like to make a statement and I love the various reactions you can get when you do encounter people. It’s part of the thrill of going out in public and showing everyone who you are. I am so looking forward to catching up with one of these days and sharing our views. If you your wife would like to join us for dinner sometime, she is more than welcome. Again thank you and hope to meet up soon.
Hugs,
Jessica -
Oh so true.
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Lovely article Jessica. It certainly encapsulates all the major aspects of our lives and there’s some sound advice also. Thankfully, I have an accepting wife and it is wonderful to be able to share Martina’s existence with her. When I go shopping for clothes, I take her with me so she can choose stuff for herself; sometimes she buys more than me but it is also helpful to get her opinion on things; indeed, she sometimes spots a dress or skirt in my size that I have missed rummaging through the hangers. The sharing aspect is a major bonus and I always have great sympathy for those who cannot share their female sides with their partners; I did it in my “early days” trapped between the triple dilemmas of discovery, potential rejection and accusations of deceitfulness. As you say, those of us who are able to cross that bridge successfully are very lucky indeed but for many, sadly, it will be an ongoing impossibility.
Why do we do it? The answer will vary from person to person, but for me I am content to know that I have two people living inside me and they both need attention. As one of my friends once said: “I like being a boy, but I love being a girl!” :cheer:
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As I said that perhaps it is a partial answer it would be very interesting if there has been any study on whether Cross dressing does lead to transition .It certainly ( I think ) doesnt diswade transition … I may be right here (might be ) but perhaps not … I know that when i was dressed by my relatives I felt that I never wanted to take the clothes off. Even though getting female clothes on could be tedious at times and makeup even more so ,once there it felt amazing … We had school plays where some boys “Had to …” dress as girls ” and many really enjoyed it … When I left that school we had 5 or more transvestites who I feel were introduced to it via the school . But like i said its only a partial explanation …
Suzz -
A well thought out article Jessica, as I read it I found myself smiling and nodding in agreement. I must also mention Martina’s comment that “I like being a boy, but I love being a girl!” finds a comfy place in Glenda’s life albeit with the addition of when circumstances allow.
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Thanks Jessica. Great article
Yes respect has to be shown to our partners , we will all know where the invisible line in the sand is drawn
When I shop with my wife ,I don’t try things on. Even when invited by the shop owner or her
Being out in public. It seems to be women who talk to me ,they are interested in the clothes ,the makeup. The event. Etc -
Hi all, this is one of those questions that not only generates different answers, but different kinds of answers. There are answers that link one’s whole moral framework and belief system to cross-dressing/androgyny/trans lifestyle (i.e. it talks about all the “its” we do, and positions transgender behaviour, as one of the “its”, albeit a really important one; in fact in some people is the organising principle for all the other “its”). On the other hand there are answers that focus on what it about cross-dressing/being transgender that explains why we do “it”. So we have to be ready to accept that, not only do we have a range of reasons for our behaviour (in my case it’s my female persona who needs, nay demands, her time in the sun), but we also may have very different levels/kinds of reasons, and these indicate that different groups of tg people define their behaviour differently; they are not talking about the same “it”. This can make it very easy to talk past each other, if not on this topic, then on others which do assume we are all talking about the same “it”, when we are not.
Veronica
