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Who to tell you’re TG
I notice a good many TG’s are still firmly in the closet and terrified of coming out to family and friends. I know I was amongst that number; the sheer terror of coming out was beyond comprehension.
I hope I’m not preaching, however the longer the delay in telling the SO or even others increases the horror. Unless you’re a person who is a master of deception for life, I reckon the SO will eventually find out.
I am in the process of reading a book, new to me and already read by my SO which although it isn’t there to make things easier, in reality it makes coming out even tougher. It relates to SO’s who choose to stay in a relationship with crossdressers and transsexuals for whatever reason, usually love and devotion. Believe me, it’s tough reading and makes you realise it is better to come clean and take the risk rather than hide your ‘hobby’.
‘HEAD OVER HEELS’ by Virginia Erhardt, 2007 Haworth Press. -
39 Replies
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Having worked through my family and friends over a lot of years gradually sharing the news about the true “me” I can agree that the starting point has to be your SO if you are in any meaningful relationship.
Quote:I hope I’m not preaching, however the longer the delay in telling the SO or even others increases the horror. Unless you’re a person who is a master of deception for life, I reckon the SO will eventually find out.But on that point I disagree. A few years back there was someone pretty charismatic and persuasive in the NSW community who urged people to do what had to be done and “come out”. The damage that resulted from such blunt, unmeasured advice was in my view totally avoidable.
The reality is that across the gender diverse spectrum we have varying needs to express ourselves, which in turn have to balanced against the varying needs of our relationships.
Granted, if you feel inside you are going to spend the rest of your life as a female then you need to get started on warning anyone close to you of the tsunami that is about to hit them.
But that is only the tip of the iceberg of gender diversity. The vast majority of us live in a continuum where deciding if there is a need to “come out” to our SO is not a clear cut decision.
I firmly believe that only the individual can make the call on this, and also that the decision must be re-evaluated regularly as you go down your journey of personal discovery.
Maybe this is a topic for a Katoomba breakout?
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The great thing about being a member of TGR is that whilst from time to time I am aware of some “dissension in the camp”, the overwhelming majority of that time subjects can be discussed in a caring and intelligent fashion.
Thus the “hardy perennial” of “coming out” is back on the table. I can see the viewpoint of those who say “all should be told” and if that fits them, then so be it.
But as Amanda has again stated and not a few times myself, it all depends where you are on the gender scale and your own personal judgement on what you think may happen if the “world finds out”.
I had at least a ten year sabbatical from “Caty”, but almost inevitably she came back in spades… (Refer my next post on “Lady Catherine’s Debut into Proper Society”)
I dont remember how many sleepless nights it took to deceide not to tell my SO , but it was quite a few. I’ve also suffered from knowing that the deception and lies we must revert to are miles away from how I conduct the rest of my life.
But on balance for me, it was “best not to tell”. I may be different from a lot of other TGR members in that I have a very large Shed, part of which is “The Sheduior” where Caty emerges. Thus the majority of “Caty Days” are spent there and this significantly reduces the chance of leaving any “incriminating evidence “around, both from clothes storage and the fabled “used eye make up remover pad” or “solo earring under the bed” scenario
My post on “Cross Dressing, when is enough awready” elicited over 400 views, so it is certainly a topic high on our collective minds and yes Amanda, it would make a great TF breakout topic.
So if it does make it on to the agenda,I wish everyone well in the discussion and hope it helps at least a couple of participants with their own situation.
VERY sincerely,
Caty Ryan
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Amanda, your idea of having this as a topic for the breakout discussion is an excellent one, as it’s a subject I suspect that all TG are impacted by. The other spot in the schedule where this topic would also be a very worthwhile discussion subject is Workshop 4A: Exploring Transgender Issues.
Jenifur Charne
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OMG, the reaction was not quite what I expected. I was not advocating that each and everyone who is TG shout the fact from the top of the hills, that I think is an individual choice as to who one tells.
I was pointing out the book which comprises of individual stories from SO’s, etc. relates to those SO’s etc who have chosen to stay with their TG husbands etc. the reasons why they stayed and how the news of the TG partners coming out affected them. It gives first hand accounts just how being TG has affected the SO’s and ultimately how the dynamics of their relationships have changed.
It is well worth a read, highly recomended. -
It has been 3 years since I came out to my wife Helen. We have settled into a relationship where Jane is somewhat separate in that the 2 do not meet as much as is needed although it does happen from time to time. I am aware of and have sympathy for Helen’s viewpoint given we have agreed to stay together even with my leanings. She remains at this point the only ‘pre-Jane’ person that I have come out to.
While I have longed to come out to others one wonders whether there is a real need to do so and to then have to be exposed to all that comes with that. So I have often thought who I could come out to and not have the repercussions. So my cunning plan was hatched….!
I was somewhat astonded then when I saw the comments in the forum today as I am planning on catching up with an old female friend later this week to have a chat as my MM; but plan then reveal Jane to her. I do not have any idea how she will react; however, I feel I need to do this………….I hope it goes well.
Jane
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First of all, “Coming Out’ to whoever would be a wonderful subject for discussion in the breakout room. Such a subject invokes a whole host of ideas, ideals, and reactions. On a personal basis I now let most people know about Liz, however I’m selective and base my selections on a need to know and, above all my gut feelings. Being an old fella helps as I no longer really care who knows, I’m too old in the proverbial tooth to worry about such trivial matters, after all, what the hell are they going to do? reject me, so what, I’ve been rejected at various times in my life to care, and often it had nothing to do with being Liz.
Coming out is a very personal thing and depends just where one is in life, it has an enormous impact on such a decision. I found that one has to consider relationships, employment etc, and just where you are on the ongoing gender spectrum. I’m going into my coffin as Liz adorned in my best frock, going out in style which in a way is me thumbing my nose at society.
On a last note being trans and out frequently means giving something up, usually relationships. A good relationship is worth it’s weight in gold, something to hang on to. -
Who to tell? Is a good question, as once told you can never go back. While you can control who YOU tell, often who you have told will tell others and it becomes a snowball.
“Hey, did you hear about Fred…?”
Instead of being known as you, the person, you may become known firstly as you the Gender Diverse person – which may not be what you wish.
Topic of conversation with people you have told may be never endingly about Gender Diverse subjects – and you may find saying the same things many times becomes less enjoyable after a while.
You may find out that people you don’t even know, have been told by others – which could be disturbing.
My advise would be think carefully about all of this before announcing anything.
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It is like taking a step in the dark you’re never sure what awaits you. My unveiling wasn’t the best way I’m sure, deliberately careless with that which could be hidden for I could not find the right way to present it. It’s for each their own path and no way will ever be perfect. Now I had already become comfortable with who I am and if it will ever eventuate it will take the same for my wife. She is not comfortable with the new version of me at the moment but I have given her the option to reveal it to anyone she chooses for there is her support.
This could be seen as a dangerous option but in spite of her trepidation I still trust her implicitly and I will not deliberately make her feel uncomfortable. So far so good as despite my inability to confront the issue head on we still haven’t become bitter or twisted over it. In the course of time there is the possibility of a more complete unveiling but I am happy for my wife to find the timing that suits her. Not sure if this is coming out or allowing me to be outed but it is not a bother to me.
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I deliberately haven’t posted for a while but I have a totally different approach to ‘disclosure’. From the responses so far I guess my views will be controversial.
I accept & understand the varying views that each person holds but for myself I need to be 101% open, honest & transparent (no pun intended – this time).
I have always been an open book. Coming to identify myself as fitting the description of Transgendered has not changed that. There is no way that I could be totally happy with myself if I was pretending to be someone or something that I am not or do not want to be.
I am only talking about my own decisions pertaining to my own life but I simply can’t go about my life pretending that I am not different to what the average person expects in regard to gender. Nor can I pretend that I was not born male, even though I endeavour to present as female.
With those thoughts in mind, there is no way that I would even consider not having told my partner (& everybody else who knew me prior to transitioning). As cliched as it may sound, being true to yourself is probably the only thing you can have any chance of actually controlling (sort of maybe). I would feel totally ill at ease with myself, regardless of the outcome if I did not present the real me all of the time.
In all aspects of my life I have the attitude of ‘take it or leave it’. I’ve said it before but it seems to me that many human beings make decisions as if life goes on forever.
I am not advocating what any other person should or not do but I do believe that it is most likely an unfortunate & incomplete way to live by negating such a major part of yourself.
Essentially the perennial discussions about ‘to tell or not to tell’ are about risk management. Risk management is fine in business or other circumstances where the outcome is either unnecessary or alternatively, situations that are life threatening but this is Australia 2013. Gender variance is not the end of the world. It may be the end of a relationship for some if they disclose but for me…I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where my gender presentation was more important than the complete package that makes me who I am. My partner (& all others) will either choose to accept all parts of me or not. If not so be it.
Transgender identification can be a VERY effective way to sort who not to waste your time with.This is probably the least ‘politically correct’ post I’ve ever made but one I’ve wanted to make for quite a while. Life goes on with or without relationships, with or without transgender identification. I’ve lived & worked in war affected countries & worked with people who have suffered atrocities, there are far worse things in life than being transgendered. If friends, relatives, loved ones, partners, customers, whoever can’t, won’t or don’t accept me for who I am, then at least those who do are truly my friends & allies.
I truly worry that many Tg identified people ‘waste’ their life by allowing the fear of what someone else thinks to dictate how they live their own lives. In this country, in this day & age, what the very vast majority of people think is irrelevant when it comes to actual outcomes in your life…unless of course you allow it.
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT ADVOCATING WHAT ANYONE ELSE SHOULD DO. I AM EXPRESSING MY OWN VIEWS AS BACKED UP BY MY OWN ACTIONS. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.
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My first post on TGR so hi to all.
This is a subject that causes me a great deal of concern. When the need to CD returned with a vengeance after a four year absence, I determined I would talk to my third wife. After all we love each other totally even, I thought, unreservedly. Life partners.
It all went horribly wrong. Can’t live with me CDing, can’t live without me. Contemplated suicide. I have not raised my need to present as female since and just do my thing but I do understand her fears and sensitivities.
That was 10 months ago. It took some time to recover from the hurt and that her love was qualified. I do my thing now and in some ways have greater freedom and less of an emotional roller coaster than those living within a relationship made difficult by CDing. That’s now but I feel that the house is built on cards so who knows about the future.
Any person contemplating coming out to their SO needs to understand the real risks and the potential damage to the relationship. Sometimes it is a matter for us CDers of the higher good justifying separation of our male and female selves.
Michelle
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Oh my, what a can of worms I have opened up, or is it ‘Pandora’s Box’.
If I’m correct the subject of coming out to SO’s is a real hot potato and has certainly invoked some horny reactions. Enough said; I think perhaps that the subject will be left at this stage to a discussion in the breakout room at the Transformal. I have my own very strong thoughts on the issue which wouldn’t necessarily gel with everyone.
It is indeed a highly touchy subject invoking a range of reactions. For those attending TF and intending to attend the breakout discussion prepare for lively discussions, I certainly am. -
Thanks b bambi you said that well people out there may not after living years n years of there chosen gender want to be known as a trans person why well people see u dressed as a women your a women dressed as a man your a man simple isint it yep
I was watching a tv show a day ago tots unrelated but a lesbian said “I don’t put labels on things” I like that quote quote of the year
Way I see it tell family friends at first soon people will forget and treat u right new people come into your life why tell them unless your planing on being in a relationship with them no need to say anything cause u are who u are no need to have your life analysied by anyone cause for one I don’t want people asking me questions cause personally and no one can change me I’m just a girl final nothing else
Tell people at the beginning get it over with then start living a regular life it works trust me and yeah I do have a job doesn’t pay much but I run makeup and beauty business and yeah I would never tell a client wow that’s just insane
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My what diverse discussion. I can see all sides of the discussion and in a perfect world I would love to be an open book but oh how imperfect is this world.
The one thought I would like to introduce here is “gosh this is not just all about me” How would my beloved partner feel if she thought people were looking at her and saying things like “she is married to that……”, How can she stay with…..” or whatever people might say.
If I did come out (which I won’t) she may not want anyone else to know and what trepidation she may feel daily that I might decide to come out to others.
I am sure that only each of us can know what is right for us ….AND THOSE AROUND US. I would do anything to protect and not cause anguish to my loved ones so Jenny shall remain closeted to other than like minded friends here on TGR. I have only ever ventured out twice once to a Kangaroo Valley weekend about 7 years ago and met some lovely TGR people. I still treasure that weekend.
So my pennies worth is consider not just ourselves and our feelings…but those near and dear.
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Chelsea’s post in particular highlights the differences with each individuals circumstances. I understand from other posts Chelsea has made that she is intersexed & apparently is indistinguishable from non intersexed natal women.
I on the other hand am readily identified as having been born male. I have a typical masculine physique, though gradually being feminised to appear more like a female figure. I also have an obviously male voice. Because my transition started socially rather than the more typical approach of HRT first, it would be ludicrous to think I was going to mislead anyone into thinking I was born female. I chose to not waste any time & also to keep the status quo in regard to every other aspect of my life, therefore to ‘come out’ was not even a choice but rather a consequence. It should be understood that my transition was extremely abrupt. I literally changed my presentation to the world overnight. One day a man, the next a transgendered woman.
If no one is likely to know of your transition then you don’t need to ‘come out’ to many people. If on the other hand you have lived as I have for 47 years with people knowing you as male (albeit an unusual one), then unless you relocate to a place where no-one knows you, then it’s fair to assume that at some point in time people will gradually become aware of your origins. My experience in the last 10 months of social transition is that only very minor changes have occurred in my dealings with society generally.
Being a pragmatist & also coming to realise by direct experience, that the very vast majority of people I encounter couldn’t give a rats whether I’m trans or a martian, I saw no valid reason in my case to hide or pretend.
The varying responses given so far, clearly indicate that a spectrum of personal gender understanding truly does exist.
Chelsea & some others apparently identify as female, I identify as transgendered, not male or female exclusively & I know some others do to. Yet others describe themselves as Crossdressers, some of whom describe their activities as a ‘hobby’. With all of this variation of motivation & identification, it seems obvious that we will each place different importance on who to ‘come out’ to or even whether to ‘come out’ at all.As a final thought, if you think being transgendered is somehow ‘wrong’ then you may wish to consider how others will feel about the reality of your existence. I don’t feel in any way ‘wrong’ for being able to be described as transgendered, I therefore refuse to be embarressed about it & will not hide myself for the benefit of the insecurities of others.
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I came out to my wife twice with a 30 yr gap when I pretended to give up crossdressing but carried on while she was away or I was on a business trip. Long term stealth mode can work if you are really careful.
The two coming outs were radically different based on our circumstances at the time. The first time we were a young married couple and she took my hobby as a bit of a joke and cooperated as long as no-one else was likely to find out and as long as I didn’t bring Carol to bed. But as she slowly realised this was serious stuff for me she became more negative and I went back into the closet.
Second time we are both retired, the children are grown up and married and I am obviously not going to change. The children know. I’m spending much more time as Carol, doctors etc know about me and I am getting support from my wife as long as friends and neighbours don’t find out. I’m slowly dropping hints about transition and I’m hopeful my wife will stick with me.
