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Does your mother know?
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my mother and father couldnt cope with my female side ..My father walked out when i was 10 .. and i tried on occasions over the years too see him but he didnt want too know me .. My mother remarried and my step father was a typical homo phobic thug .. he took great pleasure in trying too turn me into a mannn .. he just made meee a very angry person !!! My mother and I had a big argument about my cross dressing when i was 15 and she asked me too leave as she didnt want too be embarressed anymore !! Soo off i went into the big wide world .. i survived got married a good job and then bussinesse two sons and married 18 yrs … imm divorsed my ex ran off with a police woman lol
and left me with two younge boys too bring up .. was finally free my boys 18and 21 soo full time meee!! but i had too take in my 8o yr old mum .. now she is livin under my roof ?/ Its amazing how the wheel turns lol.. and yes imm ella full time now !! -
My mum was the sixth person I told.
The first person I told was one of my younger sisters. She was shocked, but accepted it immediately. I went over to her house that weekend while her boyfriend as away for work. We spent a couple of hours talking and then we started to go on Ebay looking for things I needed.
The second person was a close male friend who said “I knew it!”. We had been friends since the first day of high school. The third person I told was an old theatrical girl+friend who was like “I pegged you for gay but not that. Wow.” The fourth was my closest girl+friend who is a lesbian. She was like “WTF?! When did this happen?!!” The fifth was another girl who cracked up when she saw my early photos and said “No way! That’s f*cked up!”
All of them were cool with it and encouraged me to tell my parents. It took an hour to explain myself to Mum. She didn’t quite understand what I meant. She thought I was just venting frustation at not finding a girlfriend. Then I said to her “No mum, I want to BE the girlfriend”. She went silent and looked puzzled by it. “Oh…” and she just didn’t know what to say for the next minute. We talked about it a bit more for another half hour. She assured me that she wouldn’t tell Dad, but it was up to me to tell him.
Eventually a few weeks later me and Dad talked about it. Neither of us could bring ourselves to say any of the ‘T’ words and terms. It was a rather manly conversation. His words to me were “You’re my son and I love you, but I don’t like the path you’re going down. I don’t want to see you hurt.”
My parents cannot bring themselves to accept my transgendered nature (and they had a load of clues before I even did). But they know I’m not kidding around and that I’m serious. To their credit they actually responded better than the rest of my siblings.
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I have been thinking for some time about this issue of whether I should tell my mother about my crossdressing. Unfortunately I have now lost the opportunity as she passed away last Friday aged 83 and I will now never know what she would have thought.
My main concerns in not telling her were that it may have damaged our relationship and why burden her with this at her age as I have no desire to transition. On the other hand I am sure my mother noticed that I was different from other boys and teenagers as I was quiet, soft and gentle and not one to be tough, aggressive or macho. Outwardly I showed very little emotion but my mother knew that inwardly I felt things very deeply. Growing up I had very few girlfriends and I wondered whether she may have thought I was gay. She was glad when I did eventually marry.
For me there was very little benefit to come from my mother knowing and there was so much more to loose so I refrained from telling her. But each of must follow the path where our own heart is leading and if you think it is right for you don’t hesitate as a time will come when it will be too late.
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Does one tell Mum or even Dad?
For me forget Dad, he really never existed, but as for mum, well, she never did know. Like everyone else I toyed with the idea of telling mum about my compulsion to be a woman. I procrastinated and I procrastinated out of sheer terror as to the outcome. I’m timid and mum was a terror to others, both men and women. She ran her businesses with a rod of iron and used similar tactics with family members. Mum was feared by all. 25 years ago Mum died of lung cancer after an adult life of smoking. I was tempted to tell her in her last weeks of her life, but then I thought, what’s the point? Telling her of my desires may well have induced shock to her already terminal illness, and I let it go. I have mulled my thoughts over and over and have never come to a satisfactory conclusion. I guess I did the right thing. Did she have a inclination as to my secret life? I think she did know something was afoot, but that was it.
I admire my ‘T’ friends for their strength of character in telling their family of origin members. It makes me feel even more timid that I am. As Rita Brown once quoted, ‘Some people will like you for yourself. Most will like for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all. To my mind that quote includes family members. -
I only told my Mum because I needed her to ease up on me with her dramas so had to show her that as comfortable as my wife and I seem, we do have our own hurdles. We had always had a very open and honest relationship but this was the one thing I was prepared to spare her. She reacted with shock and didnt understand much of what I explained to her. Then she went on an eating binge followed by a bout of vomitting and then began to deal with it. She listened to my explaination of what the difference between sex and gender meant in my case and how the issue was affecting my and my wife’s states of mind. I dont need any involvement from her but she has made the odd comment about shopping or fashion that suggests she would be open to it. I am happy to say I have many supportive and accepting friends who are willing to shop or just go out with me en femme so Mum need not be concerned.
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Well, seeing as I play in a transgendered band, my mother found out without me telling her. She said when she saw pictures of me that she didn’t even know it was me at first…that I looked pretty convincing. The only question she really asked about it was “So does this mean you go and have sex with other men?”, and I answered “Maybe go and ask my girlfriend?”
Ha ha…
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I told my mum the week after my first Seahorse meeting (which was my first time out fully dressed), in February this year. My partner took some photos of me before I left for the meeting, I emailed 10 of them to my mum saying “I thought it was about time I introduced Chloe”.
I didn’t say any more. She rang back & told me that initially she thought I was having an affair but then she saw the last photo & realised it was me. I obviously took that as a compliment! She also said that if I had of told her 20 years ago (I’m 47) she would not have been surprised at all but it was a bit of a surprise now, as I have been doing such ‘macho’ work for so long.
To her credit, she has not done anything different since telling/showing her. She has seen me once as Chloe but an unthreatening androgynous version. I don’t know how she will react when she does see me in full regalia but I have no doubt she’ll be fine. We talk very openly about the subject & I’ve told her she can ask anything she wants – & she does. 😳
The one time she has seen me was on Mother’s day, I thought it an appropriate day for her to meet her daughter, though I don’t actually feel like a girl. My brother & his family were present, as were my female cousin (rarely seen) & my 93 year old grandmother. Suffice it to say, that if I never see my brother again it will be too soon. My cousin couldn’t have cared less – she was cool! My grandmother told my cousin to take photos of me & post them on Facebook to show the family how I had “gone crazy”. She is 93 though, I’m just impressed that she knows about Facebook & would think of such an idea – maybe she should have been in marketing.
My cousin has since told her family how “beautiful” my hair & nails are, so she’s definitely in my will (sorry bro) 😈 . I’ve been told that the topic of me arose between my mum & my uncle recently. My uncle just said “well, that’s (me), he’s always been different – no biggie”
My dad’s dead, so obviously I can’t know exactly what his reaction would be but I suspect he would oscillate between trying to (sincerely) help me sort myself out & saying “you know what? who gives a sh*t what anyone thinks, live according to what you think is right!” And so I do!
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Hi all
I came out to my folks, sisters and their families when I went full time – at about Easter this year. As (as Bob Dylan sings) “we never did too much talking anyway”, I figured I’d write a letter/email and include some links to further information. Also, we live about 5 hours away from them. Another reason for this method was my ex-wife took it upon herself to talk to my parents about me and told me they already knew – this was some time ago. Some reactions I fully expected, some don’t surprise me but I find more offensive.
My mum and Dad didn’t react so well, which I fully expected. Last time my ex-wife outed me as a gay bloke to them, they didn’t talk to me for ages. My mum sent me a birthday present in the mail with a letter saying they knew “something was up. We are not blind” but that is was a big shock and, watching me grow up, she had no clue to any of this – I really don’t know how that can be true, but anyway… As I said, all to be expected. What upset me was she told me she had been losing sleep and crying constantly because she thought I was going to leave my wife and kids (I included a paragraph about how we are a close, committed and loving family in the letter).
I haven’t been in touch since as this makes me pretty cranky. Both mum an dad have seen us together and even stayed for an extended period – what behaviours exactly did she see to lead her to this conclusion? None. The real answer is her (and Dad’s) transphobia. When they heard I was gay, they came to the same conclusion, but guess what? I didn’t go anywhere. I stayed in this red-neck wonderland of a town, miles from the places and cultures I would engage in while most of my friends moved on to stay with my daughter. Since then, I re-married and had another little girl. These 3 people are the centre of my world – I will never willingly leave them for anything. Mum and dad are blinded to this by their own prejudice born out of religious dogma and their inability to have empathy with people who don’t share their world view. I don’t ask for them to understand much less agree, just accept.
So, the pain and offense can go both ways I guess. I wouldn’t change a thing – living a life that is honest and open, especially with this closest to me, is its own reward. I have worked hard to bring these people with me on my journey, as have they. The rest is unfortunate but, in the end, worthwhile.
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I told my folks in 1979 , not long after I began a relationship with my now ex wife. At the time the ex was very encouraging of my dressing and I had begun to feel ok about my big secret.
My Mum and Dad didn’t take it very seriously , due I think to my mother’s guilty feelings about almost everything ( good old historic Irish Catholicism!) and merely dismissed it as me ” shit stirring ” just to upset her ( everything I did was for this reason apparently). I tried again years later but was told , in front of my daughter, that I was disgusting. Abomination is not bad enough!!?? I left the house and things were a lot colder from then on up until her death.
Despite these experiences I still believe that openness is the only way to gain your own self respect. -
simply put…. of course she knows…
I asked her if I could wear my sisters bathers and go for a swim in the wading pool at age 4… she did say “yes”
During the late 60’s, Mum had to take me to a shrink at the Childrens Hospital because my father said so… Mum was told “I can cure him”… [hmmm.. the thinking of the day]
When my 1st marriage broke up and I told mum, her response “is it because of your dressing?” [well that was the excuse given.. but I never did see my best mate of the time ever again..]
Now.. my sister lives with mum *now aged 93* as her Primary Carer..
Sis with my blessing has started to tell mum about all of my involvements with Seahorse Vic., going to Shepparton and my involvement with their gender groups, going out giving talks to diversity groups, going out in “the real world” [ a silly quote but one I use to describe being out to newbies] and being on BentTv in an interview for Seahorse Vic and our lives.. Mums response to all of this “really”..
My sis also comes out with me and has a code with mum so she knows who she will be with and where she will be.
If Im talking with my sister on the phone, she will yell to mum “Sallys on the phone do you want to talk?” Mum comes to the phone “hi son”…But you have to love your mum for trying to understand…..
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Quote:If Im talking with my sister on the phone, she will yell to mum “Sallys on the phone do you want to talk?” Mum comes to the phone “hi son”…
But you have to love your mum…..
Yes you do, Sally. I went fulltime over 2 years ago and had GRS in September last year. My folks still use he/him/my old name on occassions.
They have both had some health issues in the past 2 weeks and I have been spending quite a bit of time looking after them. They would always start out referring to me with the correct name/gender referrence but would eventually lapse back. This would be accompanied by an apology when I corrected them.
The interesting situations we have encountered have included checking dad into hospital for a pacemaker. During the usual questions from the admitting clerk. “Your relationship – daughter?” I have never been referred to as their “daughter” before and this caught me by surprise. (I know it shouldn’t have) And, “My. What a lovely name “Portia””. To my dad – “Did you or your wife come up with your daughter’s lovely name?”. Umm. Actually. No. I did. Hmm. Next question please.
On another occassion at their regular hospital – my parents had changed my name on the hospitals contact information but not our relationship. “Your son, Portia, is on the phone”??? Ah, the details that still need fixing.
I don’t get as upset as I used to regarding my gender referrences, especially from my folks. They knew me for a long time in my previous incarnation and they are getting on quite a bit. I guess I am a lot more secure with just being me.
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Whilst by no means do I wish to detract from the serious side of this post, I can advise that (as per my profile), my Mum knew about my cross dressing when I was about 11 or 12. That’s cos I had a thing about strapless bras and cut the straps off one of hers.
Dont remember much, but doubtless she was unimpressed!!!!!
As for my father, well he was typical of his generation, and I stress I do not hold any animosity to him about his comments when he found out. His “stern talking to”, about my unusual “hobby”, largely revolved around what would happen when I grew up and the “boys in the pub would say I was a queen”.
I can assure one and all that this was not the main reason I did not end up as a “nightly regular at my local”. I think it was mainly due that my generation disliked this ritual ‘cos of what it did to our family life at home.
Caty
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Mum is cool with it. The main issue with her is that we maintain the quality of music in the trans band I am in (with Miss Lina) and we look hot.
Dad, who is now exclusively gay and was been hanging out at the Taxi club even longer than myself once sat me on a couch, next to his boyfriend, and told me he was uncomfortable with my being trans.
W… T… F…???
haha – serious. Don’t judge too much tho. He’s just an ultra-negative dude who would complain bitterly about being given a billion dollars, immortality, and the secrets of the universe. I just told him to get f&*$&@ and we continued our previous conversation. Anyhow, I was “out” (as a kid) long before him.
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My mother does know, found out by accident, came around to house one afternoon whilst I was dressed. My wife was also at home at the time. Her reaction was to an extent, so what.
I think that parents in a way can be easier to tell than a spouse for the following reasons:
1. They do not have to question their own sexuality.
2. They have a significant emotional investment in you, in some ways more so than a spouse.
3. They’re used to forgiving you (come on, don’t tell me you haven’t ever made a mistake and asked their forgiveness).
4. They know that you aren’t flawless!Most parents I suspect are principally concerned when told about how it affects you in your relationship with a spouse and also whether it will affect their relationship and access to grandchildren. If those things are unaffected then I think generally most parents take an attitude of “big deal”.
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My mother I think , felt guilty that she may be implicated in my trans nature ( duh!!) and reflected that onto me by blaming me for the results of things that happened to me when I was as young as 5.
I was fighting to shed my own guilt at the time that I told her so it didn’t help me to be blamed for this stuff and for supposedly upsetting my sister ( who has told me since that she called me Julie and pretended that I was girl for 2 years after I was born!) There is a difference between blame and responsibility and kids are not responsible for what adults ( or teenage sisters ) put on them.My siblings thought that I would be grow up to be gay and so being trans and straight (while a tad confusing at first ), they accepted me fairly well I think. Compared to them I am very ” normal” it has turned out.
This said , I would still tell my Mum again should time travel become possible!
