how to tell my wife?

[Anonymous]

Hi Marty . . .
How to tell or even if to tell or not to tell ? ? ?
Well sweetie there’s really no definitive answer to the age old question of does a crossdresser tell her wife/partner . Telling may give an immediate sense of relief but for the wife it can open up a whole new world of speculation about your overall sexuality and she may never be totally convinced by your assurances that just because you love to dress as a woman doesn’t mean that you want to have sex with men {whether those assurances are true or not}.
The reality of the situation is that it rarely happens that , ” they lived happily ever after “. Often what seems like “acceptance” may often only be “tollerance” . A wife may appear supportive even accompanying her CD partner to the Seahorse club or similar social gatherings and helping with femme shopping but this doesn’t neccesarily mean she’s thrilled with being married to a crossdresser . It may be that the alternative of divorce or seperation and then living alone is just too awefull to consider so she puts on a brave face and learns to live with it , maybe even forever. . . but in the cases of a couple of “gurls” I’ve known , to their amazement it was only untill a “real man” came along to rescue them .

With regard to the situation with your step-daughter , my advice is not to get too complacent nor too trusting , sweetie you really don’t know that she’ll never tell her mum so maybe for this reason alone telling might be the best course of action in your case. All human relationships are complex and people can change their attitudes and alliegances quite quickly and often dramatically as situations change . Sorry I can’t sound more positive sweetie but you have to face reality and be prepared for all possibilities .
Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best .

Kisses
Lena

[Anonymous]

thanks for your replys, think i,ll stay quite for now.but what she does know is that i shave my legs, paint my toe nails and even wear a toe ring, or two. one day i,ll take the next step a tell the full story.

[Anonymous]

G’day Marty and after reading all the replies and then your final reply – she knows i shave my legs etc.
Very male like (yeah) – i think she already has a very big inkling into what you are up to.I advise you you tell her the whole story and then at least you have got it out and have at least been honest with hjer
Has she a right to know?
All the very best to you which ever way you go

[Anonymous]

Hi Marty,
Every piece of advice I have seen has been that it is better for her to be told than to find out from another source or to be “found out” so to speak esp by being sprung while dressed. I think the really important part is to not present this as a negative. Emphasise your love for her and that you are still you and will be there for her, just that you have a need to dress en femme.
Blessed Be
Garwyn

[Anonymous]

Hi marty

An important think to stress is that what makes you want to cross dress also creatwes the personality that tyour wife is attracted to., kindness, gentleness, understanding.

A non cressdessing guy is less likely to so understandy and willing to spend the effort to support her.

To love to do what most women complain men don’t do.

Hugs
Vicki

[Anonymous]

Hi all,
Ive only just joined and am tentatively feeling my way around. To tell or not to tell your partner/spouse?? 2 failed marrages through being honest about my inner feelings have taught me that discretion on the side of keeping CDing to yourself is a safer way…..the fact that this question arises is due in part to an attack of concience and a desire (or hope) that your spouse will…maybe understand and simply accept the situation or even feel the same way. Also there is the anguish that u don’t want to upset her emotionally or lose her….which from my experience ‘could’ happen if u tell. So it all comes down the individual and how well u ‘really’ know your partner/spouse. Unfortunately no one can advise anyone else to tell or not…..but especially they should never advise them to tell!!

Sowwy for being soooo siwwious…..
Sincerest regards to all….Donna

[Anonymous]

I am inclined to agree with Donna on this one.I/We cannot tell you to tell her and neither can we tell you not to.

You know her better than anybody I would hope!

However, given that your step daughter (her daughter) knows and that you shave your legs etc I suspect that she has some idea that you are a bit different than most men (has she said anything about the leg shaving??). Women are not stupid even if we treat them like they are at times (wrongly!) I would be a little concerned about your step daughter knowing and not her mum (how old is she?) I suspect it may lead to some problems in the future.

My wife knows I dress, I only do it when she is not around (unless she is feeling particularly wicked!!! (not often enough!! lol). I suspect she tolerates it but she does say she has no problem with it. Anyway we had been married for 15 years or so before she found out I told her over a few wines I think from memory. (I dont/didnt dress that often)and she still loves me.

So good luck, it’s a hard one and clearly some women do not handle it at all well.

Kiki

[Anonymous]

thanks for all your replys.
as kiki asked my step daughter is 16. and a gothic girl so she also likes to be (her self). like me, she dresses like she wants? so will not be telling my wife for now…

[Anonymous]

Hi Marty cant help but put my views across anmd hope it helps.1 I told my wifer when we met i crossdressed and she put up with it but only just for years.. 2 i have found girlfriends since tend to prefer open ess about this and 3 as i live in chat rooms and am open about my seklf using the nicks crossdresser or Jessica-TG I have had guys prive me saying my wife doenst know but.. eg my sister inlaw caught me .. i suggested to that person they gently suss out the wife by saying hey would you like to spice up our love making maybe i could wear some lingerie during it. In the instance im referring to the guy got back to me saying wife loved it she knew as sister had told her but was waiting on him to open up. Everyone reacts differebnt but if your caught without saying it in my view will make it harder on your relationship. Woman are very understanding and caring , yes she might worry about are you into guys etc but i woould use google have all the information and sites ready do print outs. Anticipate her response. i having realised I am female and changing gender have had great help of internet and sites like this.
Ther are also support groups for men who dress female and they meet with there wifes eg in WA we have chameleon society and they help wives understabnd or try to. Whatever you do hold your head high your not alone, there are many of us crossdressers, woman trapped in males bodies and im finding society is ok to me if i face it full on and with Mind you my father isnt taking his son becoming female well but, in time he will .
take care good luck
Jessica-TG

[Anonymous]

I was with my previous partner for over 10 years, married for 2, and never told her. I toyed with the idea, but never went through with it. I’m glad I didn’t, as we ended up divorcing, and I don’t feel she would have been accepting anyway. I don’t think she ever even suspected as I was fairly covert…

Now, the best thing I ever did was tell my current partner. She is also bisexual, and was very happy when I told her. She has been extremely supportive, and loves it when I dress up around her. She even let’s me use her clothes, and helps me with make up, and buying things etc… One of our favourite things to do is go clothes shopping together, as we have very similar tastes…

I guess you just kind of KNOW when the time/relationship is right to be open about it. My partner and I have a very unique relationship. We are the best of friends, and I just felt so comfortable telling her everything about me that it just kind of came out one day. There’s no secret to it, you just have to use your intuition…

[Anonymous]

There is a spectrum of predjudice. I once went out with a girl a couple of times and asked her what she thought of gays. She wanted to hang them from the nearest lampost. There was clearly no need to ask her what she thought of CDs. If a person is tolerant, really tolerant not just politically correct, of gays, blacks, greenies, aboriginals etc. then they will almost certainly accept CDs. If they hate all the above don’t even mention CDing as you will be in deep trouble.
Hugs Janet

[Anonymous]

I guess you have ask yourself, what is it about her that makes me reluctant to tell. Yes, it is hard to tell a partner because because of our own shame and guilt and need to keep it all a secret. However, putting that aside, you know her personality, her ability (or otherwise) to accept differences in others, her attitudes, her comfort in her own sexuality, etc. Is there anything there that might be holding you back.

My own experiences. I have been in my three long-term relations:

First relationship (I was 22, she was 19). I moved in with her and three of her girlfriends (two of whem were my size!) and I started dressing secretly if I had a day off Uni (which suddenly became more frequent ), I told her early on – after I had shaved my legs. She was never very accepting, but did buy me my own make-up, as she was sick om using her’s. She was fearful of me going out in public, suggested that I needed to explore whether I was gay, and finally purged my wardrobe without telling me. Looking back, she was a bit too young to accept it. We are still good friends and she might accept it now.

Second relationship. I decided to keep my CDing quiet. She was a size 8, so wearing her clothes was never going happen. She eventually found out and went ballistic, screaming, threatened to cut my balls off. I should have known as she was always rather opinionated and intolerant. She outed me to friends and colleagues after we divorced.

Third and current relationship. I told her right at the start and she has been very accepted and what I knew of her personality, I was right in telling her. However, things have not been plain-sailing. Having kids got in the way for years. They are now teenagers and I think ready to know. I have only been going out again – Seahorse meeting, shopping en-femme – in the last two months and I noticed that she is irritable with me in the days before I go out. When I got back home yesterday after 24 hour en-femme in Sydney, she admitted that she is terrified that I am going to get sexually involved with another CD girl or that I will get attacked in the street. My reassurances about both these issues only helped a little. She is supportive of what I am doing but frightened, too. I am hoping this improves in time.

Oh, yes, BTW, 16 year Goth girls are very accepting of anything that is weird (in that cool sort of way). My 13 year old Punk/Goth daughter likes the idea that I shave all over, but does know the real reasons that I do that.

Christine

[Anonymous]

I have tested the waters to how she is opinioned about gay, transgenders and crossderssers. If someting came up ie on television or other media, i would bring it up and have a negative opinion then how do you feel dear?
This gave me some idea and it was OK. She undstands people like that and has been around them.
I shave my legs, two reasons 1, being a little closer to fem and 2, Can see how topical creams are working on the skin and removes any grey hairs.
I have let my hair down to my collar and she says to try this or that product.
I have had comments like, Do you want to be a girl
I can live with a transgender and then she will say things that makes it unclear.
I purchase all my clothing on the net. All fem no frills tops shorts and I told her that fem undies fit better and that has been accepted. She wears mine as well. Then last nite I told her I made a mistake and got some frilly undies. I said the picture was to dark and discription was poor but I like them so that was accepted. She is a little short on undies and these red frillies are first in best undied.
I am loosing weight and say my skin is loose in some areas ie boobs and this is accepted and she plays with them sometimes.
Six days ago I went to our skrink where she has been going alone for a while to find answers. I came out and filled in the pieces and the puzzle was complete. I told him the complete story and that is betwwen us. So he can now give correct advice to her.
This month I am going back to him and my plan is to take it one step further and tell him to go to the next stage. My proposal to crossdress and that I am looking for a club to that need. Then she will make a appointment and see what happens. If positive, hoping, wiil give me freedom at home. She did ask me if she could give me a makeover several years ago as a female which I should have accepted then.
Then I will creap a little further
Then FF 22 months away and SRS can be let out later once she is getting used to me crossdress.
Breaking down the barrier, slowly
Jane Anderson

[Anonymous]

This post is written, not to any one person , but to address the trend I have noticed in the forum, that I think is basically one of deception in regard to honesty to our immediate families and partners. I really find the idea of living with someone and having a secret life, very disturbing! If one has aspirations to change oneself surgically and intention to live one’s life in the opposite gender to that which the partner expects AND if we love this person, I believe we should be honest and tell them of our plans. I know, all too well , how difficult this can be but surely for our own self respect and that respect that we owe to a SO means that we must be honest. To not be so is plain deceit.
Whether it all turns out positive or negative , only time will tell but at least the accusation that we have deceived the ones we love can not be made.
In the end , I believe we are nothing if our own self respect is missing.
Look at any text on successful relationships and I would defy you to find one that recommends dishonesty and deception.
Put yourself for a moment in the place of the SO. What would be your reaction to finding that the one you loved and trusted was leading a double life and had plans for the future that you might find disturbing and you had not been informed.
I think that we should be honest and deal with the consequences. This not only helps the individual in the long term but assists all TG people to be able to hold our heads up without shame.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t agree more with Christina. I have always advocated telling anyone up front! As soon as you get to know someone and see a relationship forming, tell them. It’s far better to risk the chance of losing a potential partner then having a miserable relationship. I know so many who had kept it a secret, they were miserable, hiding their clothes in the car, in the garage, going away on trips so they can get dressed.
And as for the ones who eventually get found out? Their wives are devastated. So much pain and trauma, it isn’t worth it.