Relationships – to stay or to go?

[Anonymous]

hi… Sarah…… oh dear . its my life ..or is it. its our life.s what happened along the way . the man jos thought i was . i was not . just did not see where it would lead . the expectaion of jos was that i was a real man…. was i . no. i was & am a women just not in jos.s eyes
we still live in our home as two women now . yet that could change if jos found ..a.. real man who would love her . i do love jos yet not as a male as me a women oh where did i go wrong . i did not tell any one i was a women . could i may be . more like not…till 11 years ago hey jos i am a women . well that went down well …. not . then our kids oh yea …… still working on that will our 3 kids still see me as there father or …what….. did they really know me . get to know who i am……am i the same person ask jos & our kids ….for me ..no that male will never go just change to or be both jos & our kids saw me as that male & accepted me that way now there thinking is oh … whos this ..other..women now that takes a lot of accepting …55 years of .. being that male of the house hold . 11 as a women how do they think about that … i have to think how would i think if i was in there shoes….. not sure yet yes jos acceptes me as this is a part of who i am & yes has backed me up in so many ways yet there is still a ??? ..i dont have the ansers as yet . i may never know .. for me i could never stay as a male thats a part of me i am the real me now oh yea that other woman. its just me what has changed i think act do live & being me a women. i know its hard for me to explane or put in words how i feel & am inside ..its just me when i am talking to people they see the real me my emotions coming out my body language shows it how i express my self..
i dont think i can change how jos sees me nor would i . thats up to jos one of our kids may never accept me as a women so i have to live with that .. thats very hard. time will tell some times we have to change paths along the way that may still happen i just hope i dont lose our kids thats all….what i do see is in all of this is change is going to happen .
. if one of us change . for us male to female . if we think we dont with h r t & s r s . oh i know we do in so many ways … i did hear long before i came out as a women you well be the same person. well after 11 years . i know now i am so not . the comment of… if you are going to be a women ….then be one ..opooos now where did i hear that … per ..jos…
. For me to be just my self as a women this has been the best thing for me to be able to express my self in so many ways with out that ..male what ever thing behind me saying you cant be you . well i can oh yes now thats the change i have now.. & its so good its me..
. i am still growing as a women . & for a long time yet some times its hard yet for the most part its so neat . our grand kids dont mind they see me as a women just one detail … oh yea our g kid says looking at me /. you have a male voice ..opooos ummm yea i do she then goes off to play . oh well i dont have every thing right ……yet…..
…noeleena…

[Anonymous]

Hi Sarah

I am sorry to say that I do not have any better news. With all my relationships I would be up front with my girl side. All of my girl freinds were accepting and found it pretty cool. I would come home to find new dresses on the bed for me with sweet notes.

All seeem great but after about 3 months the novilty seemed to ware off for them. If I stayed and put my girl feelings on the back shelf the relationship would last about two years before it all came apart. The girl friends would tell me they fell for my male side.

I spent all my life thinking I needed someone there to help me through my transition, but instead I found that my partner would end up with their own agenda, as they did not want to lose their man.

I have started my transition and now have started full time this week with out having any partner but I have had a lot of very supportive friends. I have found that I could put 100% into my transition and did not have to worry about any one else or their issues.

It sounds a bit shellow but you need to put all your efforts into your self through the process and you dont get side tracked with other peoples feelings.

I guess things might be different if I just wanted to stay part time.

Hope this helps.

xxxx

Kelly Jones

[Anonymous]

An interesting topic Sarah. I had 6 sessions with a psychiatrist who convinced me to accept myself for who I am, both male and female. I then looked at what I stood to lose if I transitioned namely my wife of 30 years, children and grandson, all of whom I love dearly, career and financial security. As a result, I chose to live two lives, with my wife’s full knowledge and support. During the week I live fem, alone, but work as a male. On weekends I return to my wife and family as a husband, father and grandfather. It is difficult but I did not want to loose my family and what I had worked to achieve in life. Maybe my family and friends would accept my fem side but I did not want to take that risk. I have great support from other tg girls here in Adelaide and enjoy being involved with Caroussel Club.

I guess what I am saying is that it is easy to get drawn into making life decisions one way or the other without looking at the whole picture. Sure, I would love to live 24/7, go on hormones and transition but I am not prepared to risk losing my family or putting them under duress in the process. Sound like a cop out, think of your self etc; well so be it; I cry a lot when I come home from a night out with the girls, but also enjoy playing with my grandson as a Grandpa. Yes it is difficult and maybe things will change in the future but for now I am striving to have the best of both worlds.

My message; dont rush into decisions which you may later regret; try to find middle ground; it is not a perfect world and compromise is often the best way forward

[Anonymous]

Hi Sarah,my story is much the same as many of us out there whose only choice is to fully transition.when I first told my wife of twenty years that I was T.G.,her reaction was one of shock,followed by anger that I had decieved her all the time that we were together.then for a short time we sort counselling,but unfortunately she just could not understand nor accept the fact that her husband was going to become a member of the opposite sex.after several months our relationship began to crumble very quickly,and in the christmas period of 2005,we seperated,and have since divorced.unfortunately we have not been able to remain friends which is something I had hoped we could do,and so we have not had any contact with each other for almost 2 years now.my 2 stepsons think I’m a freak and did’nt want anything to do with me,my stepdaughter was fairly understanding,but I’ve not had any contact with her since leaving,but my own daughter has been really good with me,which is a blessing.the only a thing that she was upset about was the fact that her mother and I would no longer be together,as that is what she would have preferred.So to stay or leave,to fully transition or not is something that needs to be very carefully considered as the impact it can have devastating cosequences on those around you,not to mention the effect it can have on oneself.do you think that you are strong enough to be able not only face the world as your’e true self,but accept the fact that you may lose your family,job lifestyle,etc,.For some of us there is no alternative but to fully transition,and we have to accept everything that comes with making that choice.during the first 2-3 months of my initial seperation,I was an absolute emotional wreck,and it was only the support of my closest friends that that saw me through this difficult time.I have rebuilt my life slowly since then,and I’m now happier than I’ve ever been in my whole life,but I do still wish that my decision could have had a lot less impact on those around me.regards,Cate

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say thanks for your great replies girls i really appreciate your stories and your honesty
I feel for everyone who has that life changing choice of someone you love or being the person you are
But as has been said here and I agree that if your path is clear then you probably have no choice
If your path is unclear, get some help to find clarity, although i don’t think that is ever clear for many, before any drastic endings
I know some people who feel that leaving the past in the past and affirming who they are was the best thing in the world
But like us all, i know people who have lost everything

[Anonymous]

Hi Sarah

In my experience most women are understanding to begin with, they will usually say things like I know somebody like you or a friend of mine etc but when reality sets in then the story changes. As what we forget is that like us they to have been brainwashed into believing the dream, meet a guy, have fun settle down 2.1 kids etc and unlike the urban myth most are striaght hetro women who want a man in their life, the sad fact is they were probably attaracted to us in the first place as we demonstrated things that women hold dear, want to listen, have simular interests, will actually talk about something other than footy and cars. I have several good friends who have tried to hold on to hubby when they transition and only know of one which has worked, (mainly becasue they were old and had lived together for over 35 years) the rest live shallow hollow lives until they make the break and get on with thier life. For us if we want to suceed in a relationship then we need to meet a partner as your true self from day one and not as your male persona then their is no misgivings.

cheers

Rhi

[Anonymous]

Hi Sarah,
This is a great topic, as right now this has just happened to me also, like the others here, it seems a cruel twist in something that is nt wrong, or bad. As i am in the early stages of the seperation, its one of the toughest times in my life I ve had to experience. It also makes me question, if I can keep going with this now, but thats not the point, I dont really have any choice, although I have tried, to suppress dressing to validate the fact, it cant possibly be the reason to have lost so much. I am heartened by the fact some have said that things do get better with time, its just at the moment that seems a far far way off. And another great comment, was the fact, she fell in love with me, because i wasn’t into cars, footy, fishing etc, but would love to give her back rubs, paint her nails, chat for hours, now she wants a “man”, and in a way I say good luck to her, get your “man”, because just perhaps, I am better than most so called blokey blokes, and I trust I will find my true soul mate, who will love everything about me. I believe its me destiny to be happy, and I will have it.

Jana x

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the honest replies girls
Jana thats inspirational that you can view life that way and see your life in that light
Thats the cycle of life. People meet people of the opposite sex because of who and what they are. But that what – the gender what – is the huge wall.
Women who love men want a life partner that is that
Men who love men want a life partner that is that
Women who love who love women want a life partner that is that
Men who love women want a life partner that is that
And in between there’s us making a choice between being what you are not and being with the person you loved
I love to hear the relationships that stood this test of time
But i understand those that did not
And i understand that for many of us who are on that long road of change single may well be inevitable, I have had to accept how likely that is
But you can’t be who you are not right
Thanks girls

[Anonymous]

Hi Sarah, Jana and all

I have now been through the whole cycle. I broke up with my wife, tried to live as a guy with many girl friends with same problems (fell in love with the guy side). I could not put my feelings of wanting to be a girl on the shelf as it always came back.

I can tell you for me now having spent most of my life worrying about what every one would thing, who I would lose, to say that it was not as bad as I ever expected.

I have been living full time girl for 6 weeks now and I have never been happier. No more having to hide the way I feel an every one I know that knew me as a boy have told me how brave I am and are all happy for me.

So after all that it really was not that bad and the support of my friends has helped me through.

Althrough my mum and dad are having probs still, it looks like they are comming around too, just painfully slowly.

So girls there his hope and light at the end of the tunnel for those that are going the whole way, a few dark times and some self dought, but great in the end.

xxxx

Kelly Jones

[Anonymous]

Well, having just been sprung I’m now facing a similar dilemma. I was forever leaving small clues to try and encourage my wife’s curiosity; in the end I was given away by my own carelessness and so instead of a drip feed my wife found herself confronted with a Niagara Falls (suitcase full of everything!). When my wife’s not drinking things aren’t too bad, but God help me when she’s loaded up with Dutch Courage. I’d be happy if she’d be prepared to see me dressed at some time. I live in the hope that this may begin to win her over. I’m not contemplating transition, I just need to give Felicity free rein from time to time.

[Anonymous]

A most pertinant topic for me right now.

My wife has lived with me dressing for almost 3 years of the 10 we have been together. She has tried to be tolerant even accepting. Sadly things came to a head early September and she separated moving out with the children. Partly, it was a function of my pushing the envelop and partly her being fed up with playing second fiddle.

It has been the worst 2 months of my life as I have come to face a stark choice. If I was to win her back I would have to give an unconditional guarantee that I will not dress again. As someone who was out there including flying en femme, etc this has been a terrible choice.

In the end I have committed to her not to dress again (plenty of clothes for sale). That wasn’t sufficient to reconcile but it was a key requirement.

We have since reconciled and the quality of our relationship has substantially improved but at a high cost. I’ll have to get back to you on the bottom line … when I have the benefit of hindsight.

To all those in a similar situation, my thoughts and experiences are with you. To all those in my previous position, take great care. There is a very fine line between tolerance and rejection.

John ex-Michelle (Oz)

[June]

Good luck Michelle but I don’t believe there is such a thing as an ex crossdresser and the stress from not dressing is quite high, or at least that is what I found.

I hope you get plenty of support from your wife in this as it will be hard for you.

June

[Anonymous]

John/Michelle, I wish you well with what you have chosen to do with your life. Please consider this thought very stongly though if you will? I had a lot of thoughts/actions towards my feminine side when I was young and the first time that I went out was nearly 16 years ago. I did bottle everything up and got married etc. and thought that I could live the rest of my life as a “normal” male human being. As they say, “once it’s in the system, it doesn’t leave”. I am living proof of that let me tell you.

I am not criticising your decision at all, just asking you to consider what may happen “down the track”. I was just about to tell my ex. but she did me a favour and took off with anger hassles. As a result, she since found out and didn’t come back [not that I thought that she would anyway].

Good luck with the future. Remember, only you can know if you are making the right decision

Peta A.

[Anonymous]

John ex-Michelle

All I can say is that I admire you so much for the decision you have made because you made it for other people and not yourself.

I hope its the right decision. But only you’ll know that.

One day ( in a fantasy world) transgender people will simply be part of the greater gender spectrum and we wont be viewed as being bizarre, or unnatural.

Until then the compromises so many of us have to make are unthinkable but necessary.

And yours is based on love which is the strongest of all emotions.

Good luck with whatever happens in your future

[Anonymous]

Junen

Quote:

Good luck Michelle but I don’t believe there is such a thing as an ex crossdresser and the stress from not dressing is quite high, or at least that is what I found.

Indeed. This was one of the reasons that Mrs Rachel and I never really considered the ‘give up crossdressing’ route when I came out two years ago; it wasn’t a viable option for long term happiness for either of us.