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Sexual preferences and gender roles
Do you think its right that when you transition or take on a female role, that it is expected that your sexual preference should change to that normally exhibited by persons of that gender role?
Does that then mean that if you return to your birth assigned gender it will immediately revert back to what it was beforehand, and also, does that experience of having sexual relations with a person while in that role alter your orientation to gay/bisexual or bi-curious, or even something else entirely, or does one deny what happened and keep going as if the event never happened at all? Does the reality of the event become null and void with the shedding of the gender role?
Or do you believe that sexual preference remains constant independant of gender role?
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42 Replies
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I dont think my preferences change when i’m in femme mode but i am definately more open to experimentation. I would much rather be with a woman or TG than a man. I feel more comfortable with them.
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Mari,
I think people generally assume that M2F trannies have a sexual preference for men, And I’m sure there is still a significant proportion of the public who believe that the primary reason trannies present as females is to deceive unsuspecting and gullible men into bed. They remember the scene from ‘The Crying Game’ when Fergus whacks Dil and then heads for the toilet to vomit. ‘Deceit’ haunts our lives.
Up until the mid 80s or 90s psychiatrists held the view that to be an M2F transsexual you must have a sexual preference for men and, if you didn’t fit that template, you didn’t pass ‘Go’.
The anecdotal evidence from within the internet community suggests that trannies are perhaps more sexually flexible than most others. This may be simply because we straddle the gender divide and are maybe more accepting of desires that to others would be ‘unnatural’. I dunno. But the gay, lesbian, straight and bi labels take on totally different and skewed meanings in this community. ‘Trans-lesbians’ are, after all, genetic males. I once read a piece written by a young F2M who had fallen for a male friend at his university. He was openly asking whether he should tell his friend he was ‘gay’ or simply tell him he was still a fully functioning hetero genetic female. Gender vs sexuality – I’ve been in that quandary – clearing my bathroom cabinet so my new GF wouldn’t see my collection of Revlon and Estee Lauder makeup.
There also seems to be an evolutionary aspect to it for some. The longer you’ve been dressing and the more you’re out presenting as a female – the more you want to experience dating and sex as a female.
However, I don’t think there is any real link between chosen gender and sexuality. I’ve labeled myself straight, asexual, bi and M2F hetero at various times. The truth is I find some women attractive in male mode and, in female mode, I’m very happy if some men find me attractive – but mostly I don’t give a sh*t.
Having experienced the difficulties and compromises in living as a part time female within a marriage situation, I would think it would be incredibly difficult to maintain a pre-existing relationship through transition and, in particular, the sexual component – and my hat goes off to those who succeed.
Fiona xx
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It’s always a pleasure to read your insightful and articulate comments, Fiona.
… and of course the fact I relate to most of them doesn’t hurt, either.
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Hi Girls,
The labels just don’t make sense to me any more. I have always enjoyed sexual relations with both sexes so yes you can say I am bi. But there has been a sexual shift for me (after a year on hormones). I look at guys in a distictly female way now and girls too. I know the diference between gender and sexuality but the best way I can describe the shift it so define my sexuality as bi female. In other words I have been developing a female sexuality that has been slowly replacing my male sexuality.
Add to that that my previosly heterosexual relations with my female partner would now be regarded as lesbian and any activities with males following srs would be regarded as heterosexual and you might start to see why the labels have little meaning for me.
Yours in sexual confusion and chaos
Gwen -
As I googled when i tried dealign with self and understanding my issues more i came across a site saying 20% of transexuals are bi 40% like men 40% woman whilst i never take what i find as gospel th fact is there are those and crossdressers etc who al come under one of these.
I have people say oh how is it your becoming female and yyet will still like females my response
EXPLAIN LESBIANS AND GAY MEN PLEASE:))
our sexual interets arenot linked with our transexuality or crossdressing and im just littl old me:)) -
This is just the topic i am currently racking my brains over at the minute, so in my male mode, the thought of being with a guy is nt something i could ever think of….its just not there. On the flip side as my female self, there seems to be no inhibitions at all, I enjoy the attention of males, the problem is when having to revert back to male mode, thinking “what in earth am I doing”. I kinda like it to the nutty professor with Eddie Murphy, male me is conservitve Sherman Klump…. and when en femme… I m a Buddy Love…except more like a very excited teenage girl….but the next morning I think whats going on? I know the gender and sexuality of a person are seperate….but the lines do seem to get blurred when one constantly hops between the genders. Does any of this make any sense? Please let me know if anyone else feels like this….. would appriciate any comments.
Of course like whats been said here….the whole hetro, gay, bi, lesbian etc etc labels just seem to take on whole different meanings when the gender is in a state of flux, for want of a better word…….but it doesn’t make it any easier trying to figure out how one should be feeling. My goodness in my next life…..remind me to come back with a bit of normality….lol
Jana
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Quote:This is just the topic i am currently racking my brains over at the minute, so in my male mode, the thought of being with a guy is nt something i could ever think of….its just not there. On the flip side as my female self, there seems to be no inhibitions at all, I enjoy the attention of males, the problem is when having to revert back to male mode, thinking “what in earth am I doing”. I kinda like it to the nutty professor with Eddie Murphy, male me is conservitve Sherman Klump…. and when en femme… I m a Buddy Love…except more like a very excited teenage girl….but the next morning I think whats going on? I know the gender and sexuality of a person are seperate….but the lines do seem to get blurred when one constantly hops between the genders. Does any of this make any sense? Please let me know if anyone else feels like this….. would appriciate any comments.
I’ll take a guess. I’m not a shrink, so all of what I say could be complete and utter rubbish…
I was raised by a very homophobic father. Since I didn’t find males attractive anyway, that didn’t bother me. In effect, it instilled in me a deep fear of homosexual “predators”, which took me years to overcome. Even this year, I was spooked by a tranny chaser who followed me to my car, so I probably haven’t entirely shaken off that fear.
From what you’ve described, I’d guess that you may have had a homophobic person in your upbringing. In male mode, you’re held back from your attraction to males by that upbringing, but changing to female mode allows you to lose that along with your masculinity.
Alice
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Hi Jana, I feel the same as you outlined, in addition, all of my sexual fantasies are me as a woman with a man. 😳
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Sexuality is something I am really struggling with at the moment. For most of my life I have been told I am male and of course males need to be partnered with females. I have never been visually attracted to either male or female. It wasn’t until later in life when I found out someone was attracted to me that it let it go into a relationship because I always thought there must have been something wrong with me. Even then I have never felt comfortable in a sexual relationship. When I became more serious about dressing en femme I started hating having to become the male for the physical relationship. Since I have gone from just crossdressing to living fulltime as a woman and planning to eventually have GRS I have been questioning my sexuality and discussing this with my psychologist. My discomfort with having sex as the man, the way my heart fluttered when complimented by a male coworker, everything is pointing towards my upbringing guiding me along the wrong path due to my physical body not matching who I need to be. My fantasies are now about being with a man, when I feel sexually frustated I want to be with a man but I can not take that step to experience it. The psychologist told me to look at it as just experimentation but it is frustrating me no end because it feels like it is the correct thing for me but this mental block will not allow me to proceed.
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Hi Stephanie
Wow thats a great post. I really do feel for you and transitioning is the time that we learn the most about ourselves and how we tick.
When I was a male I always dream of becomming a female, but sexually I was attracted to females. I was picking my female girl freinds of who I wanted to be with out realising it. When I look back most of the fights that broke us up was over my ideas and hers over how she acted or dressed. It is only in transition I realsed this. I was never attracted to males at all, and never once found one interesting, yet in my dream of been a girl men were not ruled out if I had the right parts.
Transitioning was strange as I said I would keep an open mind. The beginning made me sexually withdraw from wanting a partner. I was seeking friends and only friends. After two months of hormones I went full time and it did take two more months of getting other people that knew me use to my new gender. After that when things started to settle my attraction slowly started again and I would notice people, mostly girls to begin with. Then one day my car broke down and a guy stopped to help this girl in a short mini skirt, wow my heart fluttered and I was spending more time trying to figuire how to get his number than worried about be been stuck. Although I watched him way and drive off without even asking, my “guy may not be that bad switch was turned on”
I had a BF for a short period of time but I could not do the bedroom thing as not having GRS, made me feel like a boy with a boy thing and I could not bring my self to do that. It was like yuck I have one of them too.
So after GRS I will let you know, but I think I will be fine now. Its just funny how your feelings can change but the mental block was still there.
Stephanie I hope this helps you, it was a big learning step for me and atm I am open on gender when I start to look.
xxx
Kelly Jones
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Hi everyone…..
Yes, “wow” ! This is an amazing topic and so relevant to me also.
I have always been attracted to women…. but I have had an occasional strange experience.
Years ago I went to see a new client and, well, there was just something about this guy….I went all goo-goo and fluttery.
I remember this feeling….. like I was observing myself in disbelief !I have never found it possible to even imagine myself being with a guy.
But before Christmas I was at the Post Office and this guy in his thirties walked in. He was very well-built and he wasn’t wearing a shirt.
I not only found myself checking him out, but later that night I found myself fantasising about him.
Now this was something very new & different for me as I was actually turned on by his ‘maleness’ !I have been on HRT for 13 months now. It will be interesting to see where I’m at in another 12 months.
Monique
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Quote:” had a BF for a short period of time but I could not do the bedroom thing as not having GRS, made me feel like a boy with a boy thing and I could not bring my self to do that. It was like yuck I have one of them too. “
Thanks for your reply Kelly and yes I do feel this way too and this could be one of the things blocking me along with my upbringing. Although I haven’t started hormones yet I have been living fulltime as a woman for over 18 months now. All my life I have always done what was expected of me until living the lie got too much for me. For me going fulltime made me really look inside myself and look at my life critically. It was during this time that I realized being with a woman was always wrong for me but it was what was expected. The thought of being with a man not only made sense but excited me to the extent I went to the sexual health clinic spoke to a counsellor and had innoculations. I was so ready for this but then could not get past the barriers. Maybe the problem is I need to find someone I can connect with, feel comfortable with, at the moment the only way to proceed is with a stranger and even when living as a male I could never do that.
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Funny, I was thinking aloud to myself last night ( I do it to practice my femme voice) about the old sexuality/gender differentiation and how my attitude to my own transgenderism has varied through my life. As a pre-pubescent child it was something non-erotic, pleasurable none the less, and naughty. Although to be fair I was never scolded for it when sprung; it was seen as a bit of a joke and I suspect plenty of non TGs have dabbled as youngsters.
Once puberty hit then so did the guilt. I never considered myself transgendered just perverse in an innocent but really odd way. I carried that guilt for nearly 40 years. I dabbled in tranny porn with no less guilt, and it wasn’t until I found some chat rooms with people in similar situations that I realised where I might belong.
When I finally woke up to the fact that I was transgendered and I began to dress I, to a certain extent, began to assume that I must be gay. I had a couple of close encounters which quickly made me realise that I’m not, and they helped me understand the difference between gender and sexuality.
Given the trouble I had sorting it out, is it any wonder that the “straight” community gets it wrong so often. That said, the vast majority of women that I meet and talk to have very little difficulty accepting that. Perhaps it’s a result of their/our being the default setting for the sexes and men being an evolutionary extension.
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Quote:When I finally woke up to the fact that I was transgendered and I began to dress I, to a certain extent, began to assume that I must be gay. I had a couple of close encounters which quickly made me realise that I’m not, and they helped me understand the difference between gender and sexuality.
TS or CD? (I don’t want to know, just it’s a lead in question to ask yourself)…. I’m a M2F TS and after dabbling with a man realised I was totally and utterly gay myself, I love women, I have always loved women, and I think I will always love women, and I certainly won’t go near a man (TG or not) again.
Shells
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Thanks Shells, I had toyed with the idea of adding this point to my first post but yours has given me a perfect segue into it. If I consider myself a woman who says she only has desire to sleep with women, what happens when I meet another TG who considers herself a woman? Surely I must acknowledge her as I wish to be acknowledged, and therefore she is potentially a lover in the same way as any GG. Would that make me a gay or a lesbian?
I know now why I didn’t mention this in my prior post. Every time I go down this line of thinking I end up like that scene in the movie Being John Malkovich where JM ends up walking in his own brain amongst other JMs. I’m sooooo confused…
