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Telling your partner about the secret life
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I have no illusions that this is going to be easy Bronwyn. Somehow we have to work out ground rules .. and how to have fun together.
But we are a bit older (I think that helps a bit), we love each other, so that’s a good place to start from.
Plus we’ve been together or known each other a real long time.
Best of luck to all of us, especially including our SO’s.
Occasionally in this mixed up World .. there are happy endings.
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There are happy endings indeed.
I told my wife 6 months into our relationship, suppose i was giving her an escape route. she went away and thought about it(you cant rush them) you must answer all their questions honestly, and basically take it very slowly. it can work. i am proof of that.
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I know how you feel Bromwyn, my wife only begrudgingly allows me to wear a nightie in the evenings, but does not want to see me dressed as Pamela. (can’t blame her I suppose I scare myself sometimes)
Also it seems her acceptance of the thought of me in womens clothes varies with the depths of her depression, when shes up she tolerates my purchases in the shops. When shes down she can get low enough (emotionally) to start calling me names. But I know that she has little self control when her depression gets bad. All in all though since telling her last year I have had it a lot better than before. All I need now is enough spare cash to go to transformal, but my oldest daughter is having her second baby in May so I think Katoomba will be off the travel plans this year at least.Hugs to you all!!
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Bronwyn at least you’ve taken the first step and told your partner all about your cross dressing which is a big decision to have made. And Lisa I agree with you in that my partner and I have been together for over two decades now and we have become very good friends. It’s also a lovely to hear that she is supporting you in going to the Seahorse club in Victoria. As for the telling broadminded friends about your other life I think it may be better to get to know yourself as it applies to your wife.
And working out ground rules can be a very interesting time but remember these rules must be revisited and changed when necessary to suit both of you.Lisa it’s not easy making decisions on what direction you want or can take, because as I found that my partner is very positive with what I am doing. As she has mentioned in passing that she married a man, and that’s a very true statement and that’s why I will possibly never go full-time. She is my best friend and there is nothing I want to do that would lose her.
Pamela some partners can find it very hard to come to terms with such a big change in their lives some women taken better than others, but only time will tell for all of us.
There can be happy endings to some of our stories in the transgender community. Even with compromises in where you can go, what you can do, may feel unwelcome just remember in a normal relationship there’s only two people but in our relationships there’s always that a third person the one we become and that what our partners accept to stay with us, a small price to pay compromise and one but I am glad to pay.
My partner and I will be going to transformal at Katoomba in May. It has been quite good for my partner to meet other girls in the transgender community to get an understanding of what I am going through and how I feel. And going to events like this helps bridge the gap for her and to talk to other partners.
Penny
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Quote:My partner and I will be going to transformal at Katoomba in May. It has been quite good for my partner to meet other girls in the transgender community to get an understanding of what I am going through and how I feel. And going to events like this helps bridge the gap for her and to talk to other partners.
PennyA good point Penny. We are planning a partners only lunch on the Sunday of TransFormal so the girls can freely chat about their life as T-Girl widows.
So I do encourage anyone who can, to bring their partners to Katoomba. -
Thanks for the invitation, Penny, but my wife has stated that if I ever want to leave the house as Julie, I’m doing it alone. She wants no part of socializing with me en femme and wants to keep Julie firmly locked in the house with the blinds drawn. I’m not even sure that I want to venture out… I’d die a hundred deaths if anyone I knew bumped into me. I also only revealed my “girl name” to her recently, stating that it was necessary for TR. I think she feels intimidated even by this site!! Perhaps I need to give her a tour of TR to show her how harmless, (as well as helpful), it really is.
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hi Julie
I can understand what you’re going through it feels good that you’ll wife can allowing you to find yourself by using the TR website. As for intimidating it may be that she’s more afraid of you moving further into the transgender community, which can happen.
For my wife she had somewhat the same fears in the beginning until she met some girls at a Newtown dinner, that I had talked her into going to. Somehow in meeting people like Amanda, Caroline, Anthea, Peta and the mysterious LK. Has given her a better understanding of the transgender community and showed her that they are not out to change you into more of a girl but to help you understand yourself.So there is an good opportunity to break the ice as to say and meet people from all walks of life in a very safe environment in Katoomba at transformal, it’s a big jump to go from Internet to meeting people but it can be fun. but going to Seahorse in Victoria may be a good way to start to meet other girls in person.
Penny
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I live about an hour from Katoomba but convincing my wife to attend such a function would give her coniptions. Me going alone would cause her even more consternation. I’d love to go but the repercussions would be too great. My wife seems to think things are progressing a little too quickly. I’ll gradually introduce her to TR and, hopefully, we will attend a similar function next year. I must thank Penny and all who offer advice here as this site has been a real help for me and I’m sure other shy girls like me.
Julie
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Hi Julie
it sounds like you and your wife are taking things slow which may be the best way for both of you to move forward. It’s not like things are going to disappear if you don’t go out this year, and as everyone told me when I was starting out “to take small steps”.
We all hope to meet you in the future but just remember one thing that is to respect your wife and her feelings because she is the most important thing in your life, and for her to be so understanding is a precious gift.
Penny
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Hugs Penny,
It’s finally so comforting to have a place to talk about this; you girls have been so supportive and I’ve gained so much knowledge and confidence…. and I’ve only been on for a few months!!
Tomorrow I give my wife a tour of TR, (if she’s up to it).Wish me luck!!
Julie
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Dear Julie
Honey from one that has been there before, remember that you have had your entire life to come to terms with this, your wife has not. You must take it at her pace and dont let your excitement push too hard. She has got a lot to process and a lot to adjust to. Some so’s can handle the changes some can not, so take it easy with her.
This is a time to celibrate too, as you are now truthful with all your feelings and even though you can not push too hard, she still needs to be taken a little bit out of her comfit zone, just not too much too fast. You will now be a lot more relaxed around her as you now have nothing to hide, so work on your relationship with her and make her feel special too. That bunch of flowers for no reason, a special meal or a set of earings just to say I am thinking of you will go a long way, then when it is time for you she is not feeling left out.
Good luck.
xxx
Kelly Jones
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Thanks Kelly, your advice is so right. I misread a few things and pushed things a bit too much and we had a tiff. In the light of the next day, (and with no alcohol in our systems), we sat down and agreed to a set of “rules”. We both seem happy now but I am going to take your advice, (and the advice of Penny and others), and take things very slowly. Small steps and concentrating on HER feelings as well as my needs.
Little things like doing the odd chore she usually does or giving her a neck-rub are now of equal importance to my need to dress. She has given me a wonderful opportunity and I’m not going to blow it by being totally self-obsessed and neglecting her needs.
Thanks again girls.
Julie
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I’m a bit late but its never too late to give comfort is it?
Your wife knows. Women always do. Your instinct in trying to bridge the gap only goes to prove you can relate to how she is thinking.. Hmm what to do, what to do…
It’s a slow step by step process.. She might be ok with you having your time or going out with friends. I wouldn’t try to tidal wave her in an outburst of who you are and how it may or may not effect your relationship.. I would suggest that you broach her slowly and explain she can teach you a great deal about looking and feeling well with yourself. After all she is your best friend and by not telling her your not treating her like the friend she is supposed to be.. It took a few years before I could tell my partner.. we have an acceptance of who I am but it does come with some boundaries.. For me it works really well .. as I get to be me and keep my best friend as my best friend.[img][/img] -
I think i mentioned that my partner knew 8 years ago about my fem side when my previous partner left me. She supported me but got sick of me being the girl all the time so she left me for a “real” man. But when i told me present partner late last year officially she said she wishes she never i had never told her. So after many arguments she laid a few ground rules.
And that is to NEVER present my fem side to her. So, i play the man for her and it seems to work. I just wish so much i could have more support from her. Bronwyn -
Well I never though I could do it. All those nights I lay next to her just wanting so much to come out. I had the words in my head but my mouth just wouldnt work.
Anyway last week I did it – we were arguing and she insisted I told her what was wrong. So out it came.
I knew I had to be prepared to loose the lot (wife, house, kids, job and security of my current life).
It has been a difficult week, lots of talking, so many questions which I have answered as truthfully as I can.
Cant beleive she had no idea, but it has helped her explain afew things. Like why I like to watch her put on her makeup and those missing undies.
She has set some rules which for now I am happy to live with. I would love her to meet Wendy but she is not ready for that yet..
I am so greatful for her understanding, it makes it so much easier. We hae laughed and joked and our love making has never been like this in the 25 years we have been together.
We have lots of hurdles still to overcome but there is no more hidding and lies.
I have the best life and feel so much relief right now.
