What is Passing about?

[Anonymous]

Passing.
Lots of things account for passing i guess.

There used to be a pin up of Tula, the bond model on the back of the loading dock bay at newcastle university when i worked there, which I read the nano second I clapped eyes on it.
This is before i transitioned.
The guys took me asside and asked me what i thought of the picture like it was a joke that they sprung on new employees.
Of course I knew that she was a transsexual.
I’d never seen a photograph of her before so i didn’t know it was Tula.
But i knew she was a transsexual.
She’s used to be a fasion model, and I read her when i saw that pic.
They guys were surprised that I read her.
So it goes to proove that even she wasn’t 100 percent passable 100 percent of the time to 100 percent of people.
And no one ever is.

I’ve lived as a woman for neary 11 years and (knock on wood) I’ve never had anyone abuse me, or the like. Not that it would never happen, just that at this juncture in time it hasn’t happened yet.
I think that confidence is a large part of the issue.
If you’re confident no one is going to say anything to you.
If they’re checking you out they’re probably fancying you, not reading you.

I actually had someone do a double take on me on oxford street on a friday night about a month ago.
I don’t generally go around wondering if i’m being read, so when someone does a double take and makes direct eye contact with you in a pointed way; they are actually trying to say something to you to get a reaction.
Or to let you know that you aren’t foolng them.
Its not odd to see a transsexual on oxford street on a friday night.
Guy was just being a jerk, who was looking for a reaction.
If you’re confident enough that a pointed double take bounces off like you’re made out of teflon and you’re actually even slightly bemused by their little games, they’ll give up really fast.
Who really cares if one person reads me, because 99 percent of people don’t.
Or if they do they don’t care, so why should I?
If someone is being a jerk….feel sorry for them.
Besides which, I don’t need his approval.

Claire

[Anonymous]

This for me was something I discovered many years ago on a UK website…

Well he is unlikely to have had anything like as much practice, as a real woman. It’s not his fault if he is tall, has no clothes sense, or looks as butch normally as the family dog. I know plenty of women who look that way, don’t you? It is amazing how well they can be transformed though, with the right expertise. We unconsciously think of very “feminine” as meaning having model girl looks, because 99% of advertising images show women as gorgeous. But what do women really look like? To test this, I took copies of some passport type photos of women trying to look their best, recently submitted by them to encourage people to vote for them in an election. Now ask yourself, how many of them could be men dressed as women! At least three, and one may be a woman dressed as a man, I would have said.
Ladies, if you look at a bunch of typical cross-dressing men, they won’t look any worse! The point I am making here is: some people expect too much. Anyway I thought it was men who go only by looks?

Here is the link well worth a look. http://www.ladylike.org.uk/pages/convincing.html

The point of passing is generally in our own heads, the princess or model syndrome combined with the relentlass media and advertising of what defines man and woman, the truth is without very expensive surgery we will always just look like ordinary people male or female.
It is true that elements in the community go to great lenghts to live in stealth and view the chance of being read as anything other than what they want to be as being truely horrific, in the long run they do more harm than good as we then run into all the troubles of being an invisible enitity trying to gain a voice.
Best to be yourself and self identify if someone has a probelm with that it’s their problem not yours.

[Wendy_3]

Ladies,
Some really excellent posts.

For me passing was intially and totally focussed on trying to look and act as femine as possible.
However, that changed after about 12 months when after a bit of soul searching I came to the conclusion that passing was in fact about acceptance of yourself. As a crossdresser, I am both male and female and I am comfortable with the latter, Wendy is a part of me which I wholly accept.
Whilst I try to be as passable as possible (dress, make-up, wig, deportment, etc) I do not concern myself if I am read, I just simply smile and accept.
There are some girls that have excellent attributes (Jade & Claire come to mind quickly) where passing in the physical sense seems like second nature and I am envious of these girls. Others are blessed with the correct attributes and manage those attributes to their advantage. On the other side of the spectrum are those who will have difficulty passing but go out and have no fear of the outside world. I believe it is because of the inner acceptance.
As previous posts have stated, there a some “creeps” out there but if you have confidence (and I call that inner acceptance) that will shine through and you won’t have problems.

Now I better get back to making myself as passable as I can ….. hehehe

Wendy

[Alice]

Quote:

The point of passing is generally in our own heads

I think that this is actually the key to it. Passing and confidence are very closely linked. The more passable you see yourself as, the more confident you’ll be that you can go out without problems.

Ironically, the more confident you are, the more people will accept you as who you present yourself as, even if your presentation isn’t perfect.

Another thing that I think a lot of girls forget when they are aiming to “pass” is that a lot of real women are ugly. You don’t have to be pretty to pass. Passing is more about looking like a typical female, so you can be terribly ugly and yet very passable.

I know that some girls say that we should aim to stand out and be different. I prefer to blend in and be accepted as much as possible as the woman that I am presenting myself as. To me, that is the very essence of passing and a fundamental part of why I crossdress. I crossdress to be that woman, even if it’s only for a few hours at a time. To dress and not try to pass would not be crossdressing for me.

Alice

[Anonymous]

I am feeling the need to ask those who feel that they dont fully pass how they feel about it? What do they feel is not so passable about themselves, or what rules them out from feeling that they pass?

Most importantly, how do they feel about those that they feel are more passable than themselves?

I myself feel I may pass under a cursory scrutiny but know that my height, size and shoe size make passing under closer scrutiny a much harder thing, and while I envy those trans who pass as genetic females easier, I dont have it in my heart to resent their luck in doing so.

When I am out and about, my ‘trans-radar’ is always on, on the lookout for other transpeople, and I freely admit checking out how well they ‘pass’ to my own personal definition of what I feel is passing.

For example, are they a ‘dragqueen’, a ‘scared rabbit’ type about to run if their presentation is questioned, or are they ‘out and proud’? I love watching them all and seeing their reactions to everything around them, including myself.

I understand where so many here are coming from with their desire to pass well enough so as to disappear into the community at large, but the practicality is that most of us honestly dont and cannot pass that well, and as such maybe an open pride in being seen as a transgender can be a shield to stand behind in the face of some of the hardships that we face in our day to day lives as visibly ‘out’ transpeople in todays society.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. Just a thought on this “passing” thing if you don’t mind. As a few others have said, self confidence is the biggest key to going out in public if you want to. At least, that’s been my experience. I went out years ago for the first time at 23 years and had no worries at all because I was young. Nowadays, at 38, I did seriously wonder about what others would see because 22 years of fixing trucks and buses does show. The thing I found on a personal basis, was that I quite simply took some time to slowly work out my appearance with clothes as well as make up and then I just got up and went out one day on my own. It was way out of my comfort zone after being basically closeted for so long, but it was the best thing I ever did.

What I have learnt since is to not worry about others when I’m out doing whatever and so far[since March 08] I haven’t had a problem, even in Western Sydney. Sure, one day I’ll get picked but I don’t see it as an issue now because a little bit of street smartedness always helps. If you are worried about your appearance, could I suggest that you get together with your friends and have a talk about it on a serious basis. Maybe all that you need is different hair or make up and that’s all. I’ve asked a few people and got some good answers, so that helped me, but I have had some criticisms as well and it all helped.

Also, don’t continually look around to see if people are looking at you when you go out, it does draw unnecessary attention.

Hope this helps with anyones thoughts, Peta.

[Anonymous]

hi… wether you . so called … pass …for some yes its very important some others may be not. what i would say is .. self acceptince would be the most important thing first . how you see your self . for me. in some ways yes i pass in others no.. yet . i am accepted for who i am , now that is what it is all about i am involved with a lot of womens groups in the main i am accepted just as a women . i know some of you know how open i am you know i am a women you accept me & trust me now thats a big thing for me …trust… thank you . what i would like to see is. you look in side of your selfs & think this is who i am . then. as you see your self & under stand your self then go on from there & here is what will happen . is you will grow. for me i am growing as a women & . …yea …its neat . that is self acceptince. yes it takes time lots of for me over 11 years to get to where i am today i have had to learn look at things in a way i have not seen . its the all of the person not just some bits its all of us inside..as we talk about things we will see what those things are thern come to .. hey this …is …me well . you in this case….noeleena…

[Anonymous]

I am wondering about something that has come up in discussion IRL(in real life) regarding passing.

Does denial of the past, and playing a ‘role’ so as to deflect attention from the fact that you may be transgender become integral to many transpersons idea of what constitutes passing?

And quite frankly, why do transpeople feel a need to pass instead of just ‘being’ themselves?

Why do so many feel a need to dissociate themselves from their everyday realities in their gender quest?

I dont know.

What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Passing could be considered the ultimate goal and challenge. By nature humans are competive even with themselves – I don’t and can’t pass but that doesn’t stop me from trying to be a little more feminine each time I go out.

We don’t live in an ideal world where appearances don’t matter and where we are not judged by how we look and what we wear so we need to play a role in order to be (and to be seen to be) the person we want to be or become.

It’s the whole feminine package…not just being a guy wearing a dress because he likes wearing dresses in public – few enjoy running the risk of public ridicule and humiliation so I think we are intent on passing to the best of our ability in order to fit in better and minimise the risks.

I do my best but I am still being myself…I’m not sufficiently delusional to pretend I’m a catwalk model or one of the many great looking women I am so frequently envious of.

[Anonymous]

A lot of ideas and beliefs have been expressed, and one which hasn’t really come up is that we are our own harshest critics! In our seach for perfection we tend to neglect that perfection is the same as Maslow’s theory of “self actualisation” which is the apex of his hierarchy of needs. In this case to reach self actualisation one doesn’t need a body, the support systems for the body etc. In other words Self Actualistion only comes after death. I think that we strive for perfection as every woman does, we never attain it, neither do GGs!

Passing is a combination of our physical appearance, our deportment and most importantly how we feel in ourselves whilst dressed. I feel confident enough to go out at nights, have a walk etc. I am going to the Glamour ball which will be my first real event and outing in public as Helen. I am hoping the night before the ball that I go out and have a meal and night out dressed. Will I pass? Only I can really decide that. I am looking forward to both nights and if I pass, then it’ll be my standards that dictate how successfully I do it.

Helen

[Anonymous]

here’s an interesting thought i came across –

Quote:

It is great to be passable but it is even greater to be accepted! You can only be accepted by being a good person and realize all around you are people that may like you, may hate you and some may even just not understand you. Don’t run from any of these people, give them your best smile and look them in the eye and say hello. If you run, you will be running all your life.

thoughts, anyone?

[Anonymous]

Virginia, I agree one hundred percent. If I passed there would have been so many conversations that never started. In three years just two bad experiences but a lot of laughs. And acceptance is a whole new joyous emotion.

[Michelle_Alan]

Hi,
this thread has been going for a while which is understandable given its relevance to a number of us. If like me when you started to really embrace this journey the thought was you needed to pass i.e. someone seeing you in the street would mistake you for a woman.
Regrettably at first, particularly being built as i am, this is the impossible dream. The myth for most of us of passing. Doubt, indecision and poor body image often meant being dressed but stopping at the door and not going beyond. Still holding to the thought that you needed to pass.
Then one day as LK once said in a post you look the world in the eye and say “F**k” it. You go for it and don’t look back.
This is the way it has been for number of years not passing but not really standing out either just being accepted when unfortunately this briefly changed last week.
I went out to the “Picasso” exhibit at the NSW Art Gallery followed by dinner in Newtown at “Linda’s” (highly recommended by the way) with a lesbian girl friend. It was a great night out and everywhere I went we were accepted, joined in and welcomed.
Then as we walked back to the car in King St Newtown, some idiots in a lowered Holden (yes very Hunter St Newcastle if you remember the song) shouted out “Oi are you a man or what?”. I froze. My friend said are you okay, but I still stopped. Then I realised what my reaction was all about. I was angry. Angry that one minor ugly event after so many great positive ones could have any effect at all on me. Secondly how mindless the whole incident was and finally this was a reminder of what our sisters have to face daily. As my friend it’s every girls right of passage to be shouted at from a building site or passing car to “Show us your tits” What male side of me there is felt sorry and I was thankful for my female side.
It also made me think of others like me perhaps who are making a first step out and haven’t seen how accepting or disinterested the greater public can be. Who would retreat back behind their front doors without experiences the joy of being out and about through a simple idiot making dumb comments.
So getting back on topic “what is passing”. It’s getting out, gaining acceptance through being you and if like our sisters some idiot makes a comment from a passing car remember you’re in good company. F**k them!

Alana/Ally

[Anonymous]

Alana – I’m sorry you had to experience these unfortunate imbeciles who seem to think that flaunting their ignorance is a good thing, or need to do so in order to feel good about themselves (doesn’t say much for our education system or media as a means of raising social consciousness, does it?). Nevertheless, as already posted in this thread, “passing” can be a matter of self acceptance.

Notwithstanding that, I am constantly intrigued by the high levels of emphasis our community seems to have on passing. My view is that, any concept of passing involves the necessary logical acceptance that gender is binary. I am of the view that gender is a spectrum (try arguing against the existence of intersex). Nature loves variety.

If what I have stated is correct, “passing” should not be a social requirement. We are who we are. Society just has to accept us – whether we look exactly like a woman, or nearly exactly like a woman or, at the other end of the spectrum, not much like a woman at all, but certainly not like a man. It should not matter.

Just like if we have really dark skin or really light skin or olive complexion … we are all born equal. We should not suffer discrimination or vilification because we don’t look “normal”. Just as it is unacceptable for people to make fun of anyone suffering from Downs Syndrome (“retards”), or for being a diabetic, or for being a Thalidomide victim, gender diversification is just another fact of life, and to be made fun of for it is equally unacceptable.

To me, passing is just sweeping the struggle for acceptance and equality under the carpet, and placing our own needs above those who will never pass.

As usual – that’s just me. Everyone is free to think otherwise.

[Adrian]

Quote:

To me, passing is just sweeping the struggle for acceptance and equality under the carpet, and placing our own needs above those who will never pass.

I couldn’t have expressed my views better than you have done Virginia.

A major moment in my development as a person was when I realised I could just present in public how I wanted to be.

I too had nurtured the endless and impossible goal of being regarded as a genetic binary female. A goal that probably arose out of the reception I received as a somewhat less than passable crossdresser 20 or so years ago. But the truth is, it was just that, endless and impossible and a recipe for insecurity and self-consciousness.

Then I noticed that there were many women who I was trying to emulate who fell far short of the pass-ability standards I had set myself.
One was even my sister!
They weren’t rejected by society – so why should I be?

The degree to which people may consider I now pass is more a result of this self-acceptance than any radical physical change.

But as Virginia states, the more we as a community try to paint the picture that we all want to be passable women, the more we paint ourselves into a corner. We marginalise the significant number of people for whom “being a passable woman” is not their goal or not possible.

That isn’t to say that it is wrong, or unacceptable to want to pass..but perhaps it would be more sensitive not to assume that all TgR members in the forums or chat room want to be classified and accepted as being a binary woman.