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What is Passing about?
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Quote:That isn’t to say that it is wrong, or unacceptable to want to pass..but perhaps it would be more sensitive not to assume that all TgR members in the forums or chat room want to be classified and accepted as being a binary woman.
Amanda, that last sentence is an almost accurate summary of the issue of passing for transgender as a whole.
Jenifur Charne
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I’m a woman 24/7. I’m 180cm tall & pushing 60. It’s who I am.
I infrequently apply make-up, & have been told on a few occasions that I’m not “dressy enough”. I’m a Registered Nurse so, no nails, nor enamel (infection control). This year I bought a pair of boots with a 5cm heel – vertigo.
I’ve never gushed with confidence. I simply gave myself permission to be myself – my certificate of passing. As for the rest, I’m enjoying living MY life.
I like to quote Mr Leunig – Be Brave. Life is Joyous.
oxox
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I have often thought that it would be devastating to have a comment like that directed at me, but recently I have been taking taking a lot more notice of the diversity of women’s shapes and sizes. I realise now that if I was in your position Alana I may have the courage to just keep walking and assume that they were talking to someone else, or give it a good try anyway!! I mean to say if Norm was top of his class in English then his opinion doesn’t amount to much anyway does it.
Hugs Pamela! -
Alana’s unpleasant experience at the (hands) voices of ignorant yobos’ is to be pitied. If we could all look like women we would probably be women, but we are not. I’ve seen very few of our fellow sisters who would honestly pass, there’s always a dead giveaway. So just what do we do? Be yourself 100%, hold your head high, keep your back straight be a lady and ignore crap remarks. When we’ve done all that, the remarks still hurt and creates anger in us; we just want to crawl away and hide. You’ve guessed right, I’ve been there and its bloody awful. I would like to use my 180cm frame and stand up to idiots, but then at my wrinkley age, I chicken out. Don’t worry sisters we will be accepted in the fullness of time, I don’t know who’s time, but we will.
Hugs to all,
Liz -
Hi,
The 4 july 08 was when i wrote last on passing, Has any thing changed since then.
Well i think so yet has nothing to do with looking like a woman . ill not use passing because really it has no meaning for myself because the passing i do is in our 4 x 4 on the road,As to looking like a woman has two meanings,
one is you apper or look like a woman if you use make up hair clothes shoes & any thing else that’ll help you look more femm ,Or 2 , you dont no matter what you wear or make up & any thing else you use.
This is more the case for myself. As i see myself, i did not or can or will
& to tell the truth i dont bother or even try. because as iv said to others what you see is what you get & then some one says but , but , you can have surgery why , at age 64,, i dont think so or would i wont to, .Over the last few years its come down to being accepted the way you are, im just a masculine featured looking woman . some of us are wether we are natal , I S, or a mix of both, we are still female / woman & from birth , so that being the case, two things can happen .
You grow , you be who you are, you live as who you are, & you became who you are ment to be. I have grown tho slow as a woman ,
What i needed was allways there, just it was shut down till the right time to grow. & that really started 16 years ago, every thing that i needed was there, & i have taken hold of all i need to allow myself to grow & be who i am now,So im not bothered about not looking like a perceved or how some think we who are women should look like because we are all different in our shapes sizes & so on . some of us dont have our wombs & that still does not stop us being women. if you like nature does things that we dont undestand ,
Do we get bitter & twisted well some do, i wont because i wont / need to live a fullfilled life & thats what im doing & with a little help along the way im getting there,
Im accepted as a woman in to women only groups & world wide. & many other groups , so if its based only on how we look then many natal women would not be members would they. We need to accept the way we are & get on with life If we need some help then go for it .
& i belive my acceptance has to do with in part, being on T V & being in the Media & people have seen that when we show others we can be part of socity, & get involved we can be accepted for who we are, & in my case that is not based on my looks its based on who i am as a person & what makes who i am & it can apply for all of us,
…noeleena…
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I think “passing” is mainly about accepting yourself and your right to be here. As the song Desiderata says “you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here”
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I think passing is when you meet your own needs and feel comfortable and settled in yourself. I think it is then when you can go out and enjoy your femininity
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Call me a sook if you like, but I can remember crying a lot because I thought that I could never pass and hence never be my true self. I have been myself for 10 months now and have found that acceptance is way more important to me than “passing”.
Does that mean I don’t try to look my best every time I go out ? Hell no! Being contented with who I am and my own femininity is the most important thing for me.
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Hi all. I, like many, am currently warring with the whole passability and going out thing. Recently I have come to see that my body image issues are really no different to any ggs. We are all different shapes and sizes. So I have man hands and swimmers shoulders, a bit of a tummy, a serious body hair problem and am quite a bit too tall to pull off 6inch heels however much i love them. These could all be the problems of a genetic woman so why should i let them limit me. Why should i care what some yob in the street thinks. It’s not as if I want to be picked up.
Passing is about going unnoticed and i’m convinced the only way to do this is to be unrmarkable. Boring!
I’d prefer that I (and my wife and friends too) just be comfortable with myself and be able to feel as if i belong. Pretty sure I can see myself getting there. Now I just have to convince my wife and tell more friends.
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Passing is basically about meeting the standards and expectations of other people. More accurately the standards set and accepted by the arbiters of womanhood, the fashionistas and marketers who decide what a woman is right now. It is a cultural and historical thing (Andrej Pejic would not ” pass” as a woman in Swaziland for example) he would standout.
I do envy those who have a good ticket in the genetic lottery that is “beauty” in our society ( as the bastard mentioned above!!) but I, like many others must make do with what we have .
I do think that it is a dangerous pursuit for anyone ( GG , GM or not) to chase the standards set by others, it will lead to despair eventually. Any reading of a decent guide to mental and emotional wellness will tell you that being comfortable as you are is a better use of one’s energies. Finding out who you are is of course the bigger battle !
I think that once one sets one own standards of how one expresses one’s feminine side , it opens up the horizons to what style, era and fashion that is available to express rather than ” passing” where one is restricted to the look that the majority of woman are wearing at any given moment. -
I like many girls here. I have issues on “passing / being accepted”. The unfortunate thing is until you start to venture out, you will never really know how passable you are. All girls have thoughts on how they look, how many of us have been asked ” how do I look in this”.. this shows that even GG have doubts.
The thing is, dress to suit the age and occasion, you would not wear a that LBD to go shopping…or the sultry smokey eye shadows. On some occasions a pair jeans and floral tops can look quite feminine, even on a larger framed person.
After a few times out and the confidence grows, you will notice that you’re not being read, more often than not, they are looking at what you are purchasing.. Yes it’s daunting the first few times but persist.. remember GG’s are taught from very young about about clothing, makeup, looks.. now we have to teach ourselves, unless you are lucky enough to have an understanding partner..Have fun with the journey even if it’s partime and few occasions, don’t be overly critical with yourself !!!
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from the OP:
Quote:What is Passing really about and why is it seemingly so important to pass? Does passing make you feel any better or more secure? What do you class as ‘passing’? What level of passing is acceptable to you?passing to me means being able to be identified as female, wherever i go, whatever i do, whoever i am with. since i began transitioning full-time, my confidence with passing has increased exponentially where i have even made new friends who had not even known i was TG unless if 1) i told them, or 2) a friend/family member has unknowingly revealed to them by referring to me by my previous gender or name, or adjective. and i intend to correct this.
Quote:Moreso, what happens when you cant pass, or dont pass, and does it really have to limit your choices regarding your gender enquiry?if i had been unsuccessful with passing then i would have definitely stayed in the closet and attempted to transition in stealth, which i believed would have been more difficult, though not impossible, but either way, this would most likely end up in more depression and breakdown, anxiety, and thoughts of self-harm. not a good path. not the journey for me.
.maya v
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It has just occurred to me that the idea of ” passing” in terms of a “death ” may be the more acceptable meaning of the word.
Were we to see it that way then the death of a former self and the rebirth of another, more vital one, can be seen as a positive action. It has nothing to do with appearance in that case and so is more inclusive than the usual interpretation of the term.
The Buddhists say that we are all in a ” state of becoming” and so that passing may be an apt way to describe our life journeys after all!
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I have spent a lot of hours wondering what Passing means to me. Do I want to be seen as a woman when I am out in women’s clothing, or do I want to be seen as a woman all the time. This of course depends on how I wish to live my life, which is the subject of a long debate I am still having with myself.
Although I am tall and solidly built I believe the first option to be attainable to a certain degree. My observation of people while sitting in café’s and restaurants has taught me one thing, and that is that there is a great diversity of different shapes and sizes in both gender groups. I have seen many real women that at first glance would fail to Pass. I might add that this observation, has given me a lot of confidence in my ability to walk down a street relatively unnoticed.
As for the second option, I believe that it would only be attainable by moving to a new area and starting up my life all over again. The people I have known for years would still see me as the person they have known and worked with all that time. Whether they accepted me as a TG person or not, their memories of me would be locked in as the man they have known all this time. No matter how much time I spend in their presence as a woman, they will still remember me as a man.
So I guess for now I will content myself with trying to Pass when I am actually out trying to Pass. Life is good, I am not having fits of depression worrying about the conundrum. I suppose eventually I will make a decision one way or the other, retain the status quo, or continue with a full transition. In the meantime I intend to enjoy all the opportunities life offers and Pass when I can.
Hugs Pamela!
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what we are really talking about here, is not what we see, but how others see us, our own portrait in the mirror is fine, but it is the need to be accepted by the community at large that drives to be more than our natural selves. Th irony is that by doing so quite often we raise our status of not just “normal” and looking far to good, either in total appearance or in one area. My shrinks called my dress sense ” bizarre and striking, well so be it, but im neither of those in my world, so perception is what it really comes down to and who’s perception is important to you, yourself first and foremost obviously, then your friends and family then last but by no means least come the population at large. This is the tricky one as it allows you to be either extrovert or introvert your dress and bearing say so much about who you are and what your feeling, it is a huge part of self expression that most don’t quite get straight away.
So whats the answer, well center your self first, feel good about whop you are without the clothes, then let the clothes express that inner emotions and desire, instead of the other way around, this is my philosophy and i believe it is true.
