Adrian
Forum Replies Created
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Caroline asks “Are we nearly there?”
I’m tempted to reply “does it really matter if we are there?”.
I still vividly recall my first visit to a cafe in 1996, two years after Priscilla was released, and am sure we weren’t “there” then. One of the “older” girls whispered to me “Put on a bit more lipy and you will be fine” – my advice today would perhaps be “Smile – they aren’t (all) out to get you”. Over 20 years later I’m still going out, still alive, and still enjoying life.
Are we there with car driving? How many people say “Sorry I can’t go shopping today – driving the car is too risky”?
But more people get killed on the roads than wandering round Westfield in a dress.
Like cutting the road toll to zero, getting total LBGTI acceptance is an objective that no one realistically expects to achieve. It just gives us a direction to head in.Caroline observes
Quote:TGR appears heavily populated with those wishing to come out but apparently “cant”I’m not sure how true this is (perhaps it is time for another survey!).
Back in 2011 only 13% of TgR was completely in the closet. I think rather that those who are living in fear of children/wife/society need to post frequently to justify their position against increasing evidence that society has moved on (even if it isn’t there yet). I suspect the noise isn’t representative of actual numbers.Finally Caroline asks
Quote:“what do we need to do to make it easier for people who are closeted to come out and enjoy themselves”.In the past we all needed a lot of support and encouragement with safe venues and outings to make our first steps. Back then society in general didn’t know what to make of (in the imortal words of Bernadette) “a cock in a frock”. But if the context is contemporary life in Australia I’m tempted to say “nothing”.
So if your game plan is to stay in the cupboard till the all clear is sounded and we are”there” – then pack a good lunch.
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May 2017
No photo has surfaced of the May meetup. Do you have one? -
Caty wrote:As the original “poster” of this topic I have of course followed the responses with much interest, not to mention the thoughts expressed behind same….those in this thread who have taken the “damn the torpedoes” stance, have perhaps not considered this aspect as much as they should.
As the moderator of the forum I am trying to keep this thread talking about the original article….WIMHO is an example of the most pointless confrontation and negativity associated with transitioning. The subject “If you refuse to accept LGBT people like me, expect consequences ” is the perfect summary of the “damn the torpedoes” stance.
But there is a sizeable middle ground that exists between standing defiantly and taunting Kim Jong-un to lob a missile / torpedo at you, and hiding in the back shed fearful that society’s attitudes haven’t advanced in the last 30 years. Articles like the one that started this thread are doing as much damage to our awareness of reality as are the posts of those who want to hide.
It would be great to see more stories in the media that are less extreme, less threatening, and more positive. But we all like reading too much about other’s misfortunes it seems.
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Quote:Although 1 in 4 are strongly opposed. Which is to be expected, let’s face it, some will never change.
Could we perhaps move away from this ill-founded negativity.
My take on the original article that it was one-sided and did not read like the transition story of a caring, sensitive, person. The mantra of “you can take me as I am or I’ll leave you” is I think very immature and as usual puts all the onus on others. If there are any problems that result from this sort of approach then they are I feel directly attributable to the attitude of the transgender person.
The idea that we as transgender people are perfect and sharing our diversity with others is a process of them accepting us as we are is naive. The reality of our transgender experience is that we all face mental challenges, be it depression, aggressiveness, or any other side effect of the stress we go through. To be accepted you have to address your gremlins within as well as the residual bigotry and lack of understanding of others.
As to the idea that 1 in 4 people are a pain throwing stupid words around about TRANSGENDER people. That isn’t a fact, and it serves only to justify the actions of those who can’t see how much Australian society has changed in the last 5 or so years.
The 1 in 4 figure pertains to same-sex marriage which is NOT the same as the number of people who cannot accept LGBTIQ…. people.
I have spent the long weekend with a house guest who is the wife of a Christian minister. She feels very strongly that same-sex marriage is wrong – though she is far too caring a person to throw pies. However she is totally supportive of me as a transgender person. You cannot equate the two issues.
Lets get our facts straight before we all retreat back into the closet in fear.
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TinaMartini wrote:, let’s start with “just remember that I am the one with the happy relationship”. Doesn’t that border on the arrogant?
Of course it wasn’t intended to be arrogant, I was just trying to link back to Lacey Leigh’s advice about who to listen to for knowledge.
Quote:Not the kind you’ll pick up from whining, complaining, bitching ‘friends’ in CD groups, by the way.Yes even TgR forums are dominated by the “can’t do” mindset, and postings are used so often to justify the author’s negative position rather than offer constructive advice. I could point out how many times Caty has used these forums to re-enforce why she couldn’t ever tell her partner. Now she tells her partner to go to Transformal – but what happenes to all those negative posts sitting there from the past?
It is in this context that those who are posting from a “can do” perspective of a functional relationship like Lacey Leigh are a rarity.
Quote:Does having a happy relationship necessarily qualify someone as a better judge than anyone else of how to handle a very different person and situation?No one is a better judge, but filtering out knowledge from those who have found a way through the relationship jungle is going to get you a lot further. Personally I find a lot of what is posted in forums about coming out and relationships is just bad advice. Good advice will help you judge how to manage your specific situation – but will you recognise and accept good advice when you find it?
Quote:I don’t think anyone is dismissing your suggestions.I think you will find they already have. But I don’t intend to share any more thoughts in this thread.
Good luck with the relationships! -
Caty wrote:I love her dearly, but what irks me is the only time I’ve seen her in a dress is for formal occasions. Slacks and jeans 99% of the time!TinaMartini wrote:So many crossdressers have a problem with the closed minds of their wives
Reading between the lines I think many crossdressers have a problem with their wife’s understanding of what it means to be female/feminine. I observe that when there is an issue with telling the other half it is always expressed in a way that makes it read as “her fault” and the desires of the crossdressing half are nomal and have a right to be accommodated.
Well I don’t see it that way.
I think that most wives have a pretty mature view of what it means to engage in society as a female. On the contrary a lot of crossdressers have an over romantisised view of dressing which often borders on the impractical if not fetish. Why should the partner accept the crossdressers ideas about femininity and embrace them?
When we tell our partner we should perhaps acknowledge their experience and let them help us. This comes back to the advice of Lacy Leigh that started this thread. “Darling, I need your help.”
Asking for help may lead to a much easier way forward and result in the crossdresser’s femininity being embraced in their shared life. Of course you would have to drop some of the things you might previously have classified as essential to your dressing. But relationships are never going to go anywhere without some flexibility.Finally before you dismiss my attitudes as impractical given “your special circumstances” – just remember I am the one with the long term happy relationship. I suggest that you are deluding yourself if you don’t at least embrace your partner’s perspective on femininity. Its a question of who actually has the closed mind…
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There is some very sound advice in those quotes Martina.
However, even if asked, I am very reluctant to share the details of the journey I went on with my partner Megan. As someone else with 30+ years of stable marriage I do think it gives one a reference perspective on which strategies produce sustainable outcomes. You see a lot of relationship wrecks along the way and also a few beacons of sanity. Navigating to the lighthouse without going ashore on the rocks is a skill we all find we need to learn when the seas get rough. So Lacey Leigh’s guidelines are a great start.
Martina wrote:Marriage involves compromise. It’s important to arrive at a point of accord that provides comfort for both partnersThe siren voices of those who see compromise as a failure to be true to yourself will lure the unwary onto the relationship rocks. This has been discussed before many times on Tgr for instance here forum.tgr.net.au/cms/forum/F436/5331-compromised-life . Generally those sirens who advocated for lack of compromise don’t seem to be members of TgR any more. Is this significant – will they have happy relationships 20 years on?
There is one significant factor that I would have added to Lacey Leigh’s list and that is speed.
We all know that speed kills – it also causes relationship wrecks. The rock comes at you so fast there is no time to dodge it and you start getting wet feet. I believe there should be NO surprises in a solid relationship – well certainly no unpleasant ones. Soften hard decisions with hints that change may be coming, give the crew time to put on their life jackets, and go slow enough to navigate on a safe course. -
Picture from April 17
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In this era of fake news you have to be careful who you believe.
And as a sailor I have a healthily skeptical attitude towards weather forecasters.
However the non-fiction section of the Bureau of Meteorology has issued the following forecast for the Transformal weekend.
The good news is that they think it won’t be too cold at night.
The bad news is you might need that brolly during the day if you go walkabout.Let’s see what the actual weather turns out to be like.
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Judging by the number of people who will proudly tell you they have a A/B/C cup as if this means something significant, there is a widespread ignorance of bra cup sizing. And this isn’t just confined to the transgender community.
Marian wrote:Caty
So when I ordered new bras recently I ordered an 18C assuming that the cup size would be the same. Wrong! I need to fill these bras with a size 7 breastform or even larger. The mysteries of cup size vs band width continue for me.It actually isn’t a mystery – it is just counter intuitive. We all just assume that the cup size is the same as breast volume. Well it just isn’t. Why I don’t know but the cup size reflects the difference in over bust and under bust (strap) measurements.
The cup size on its own doesn’t tell you what the volume of the cup is.
Nor can you assume that all B cups have the same shape. If they did they would be uncomfortable when fitted to real breasts (the majority of the bra market).The maths of all this is beyond me, but as an approximation I understand that a 12C, 14B and 16A bra will contain roughly the same volume. If a 14B is roughly the right volume but is too tight round the strap then going to a 16A will be better.
If you are plonking relatively malleable and unfeeling silicone into the bra then this is probably all you need to know.
If you have the home-grown item then a couple of measurements will not necessarily lead you to a bra that is the right shape for your breasts or supports them properly. I know the on-line shops would like you to think otherwise, but you do really have to have a bra fitting from someone skilled in the art.
So the next time someone tells you they are a “B” cup then do them a favour and explain to them how meaningless this is.
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Use the video button (underneath the row of topic icons 3rd from the right…
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The Weekend Program for Transformal is now complete.
All the details are on the event website.
A couple of last minute additions to the workshop program:
And the schedule for the weekend
Finally there are a few optional activities that you should register for on-line if you are interested:
Optional: Friday Lunch in Leura.
A repeat of last year’s popular visit to Lilly’s Pad cafe in Leura. If you are interested in a social lunch then please register on-lineOptional: Three Sisters Walk
An excursion to view some of Katoomba’s natural scenery, and enjoy graded walking activities. Please register directly with Michelle on mbrooker137@gmail.comOptional: Saturday Carrington Catwalk Workshop
An exciting new addition to the Transformal workshop program. If you want to strut your stuff as a mode (as opposed to just watching the show) then please register online-
We have a few cancellations
We don’t like cancellations because it means someone can’t attend Transformal.
But they are also a great opportunity for someone else to grab a hotel room and a last minute ticket.
At the moment there are rooms available at the Carrington Hotel – give them a call to confirm. Also a TgR member has space available in a share house for a very reasonable cost. For the details look in the TgR forums here.
Don’t delay – these last few rooms in Katoomba that weekend will disapear quickly.
When you have a room, then grab a ticket and start looking forward to being at Transformal 2017.
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Emma,
Welcome back to our world! And thanks for all the great posts!Emma_Thorne wrote:After we had chatted for a while Amanda made a comment which stuck in my head and still does…she said that “a lot had changed”. A seemingly innocuous comment in a very broad conversation but a very true one for lots of different reasons.I remember the comment well, because I felt someone needed to warn you that a lot had changed from the society of secrecy into which we both came out in those horse-drawn crossdressing days. I could perhaps have added that I have changed over those years too, in more ways than reverting from Amanda back to my natal Adrian. One had to change it seems just to stay where one was, in a community that increasingly enjoyed both greater awareness of itself, and acceptance from others.
In warning you about the changed rules of engagement I had in mind two particular developments, neither of which I recall as being particularly prevalent in the days before Emma’s sabbatical.
The first was, as you observed, the rise of the virtual transgender community. There always were those sad photographs taken in hotel rooms, and those lonely souls waiting at home by the post box for their monthly Seahorse magazine to be delivered. But social media and internet shopping seem to have made virtual existence too easy, the numbers have grown, and so have the creativity of the excuses as to why they can’t possibly tell the wife, be seen in public, or live without Photoshop. And that is another change; the ease of access to ways to doctor photographs to make them look better – even my camera will touch up my lippy if I ask it to.
So Emma, well done for noticing the rise of the Facebook community who no longer need to go out in public to meet up with other girls. And as you say there were other reasons behind my comment.
In particular I also had in mind another, possibly more significant, change. And that is the number of us who find that they can enjoy a social life in public without seeking out the company of other T-girls and LGBTI friendly venues. There used to be safety in numbers, and those who went it alone tended to have the label “transsexual’ etched on their foreheads. Now there is a sickening over-use of the term ‘main-stream’ to describe the fact that we can just present as we want, doing what we want, in society and the general reaction of others is increasingly “so what”.
This is significant because it has resulted in the dramatic drop in the number of organised balls, restaurant nights, theatre outings etc which seemed to be the mainstay of our public life 10 years ago. I have bemoaned the dearth of organisers elsewhere in this forum, but as I increasingly just do what I want as ‘me’, I am probably just as much part of the problem myself.
So with the community expanding and at the same time moving apart in diametrically opposite directions life in the middle has certainly changed a lot! At times like this, it helps to be a Pisces (two fish swimming in opposite directions), but all of us can enjoy the exciting new opportunities that are open to us.
Welcome back to the new world Emma!
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Over the past years we have been experimenting with more flexible arrangements for booking rooms in the Carrington Hotel for Transformal. Unfortunately it transpired that any additional flexibility comes at a cost in terms of the work that has to be performed by the hotel events team and myself. Whilst many have an imperative to reserve a preferred room as soon as possible for the coming year, this enthusiasm doesn’t extend to releasing the reservation if one doesn’t actually buy a ticket.
So it is back to the simple system we started out with 8 years ago.
For any future Transformal weekends you can only reserve a room at event pricing AFTER you have purchased a ticket.
To clarify, no accommodation can be reserved until tickets go on sale.
No exceptions!