Adrian
Forum Replies Created
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Quote:Q. My Female Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be Male!: My cousin is a beautiful woman, formerly a man. She has done a couple of modeling jobs as well. She has a lot of guys after her but never had a serious relationship until now. She met my co-worker “John” several months ago and things are starting to get serious. That’s why I was surprised to discover that she hasn’t told him about her gender reassignment. I usually think that the past is generally best left in the past, but this to me is a huge exception. By hiding her past as a man, I feel that my cousin is hiding a big and important chunk of her life. My cousin says that John does not want kids anyway so she has no reason to tell him. I now feel guilty whenever I see John. I know that only a handful of people outside the family know, but expected her to tell John when they got serious. Should I insist on her telling him, or butt out of it entirely?A. I agree that beginning a relationship does not require presenting your new love interest a due-diligence dossier, nor a cheek swab of one’s DNA. But there is some information that potential partners are entitled to pretty early on; these include one’s marital status, STD test results, interactions with law enforcement, relevant medical conditions (including previous substance abuse problems), questions about sexual orientation, and gender at birth. For some potential partners the information revealed may elicit a shrug: “I have herpes, too.” For others it will be a deal-breaker: “I appreciate you’re telling me you’ve got three kids out of wedlock, but I think we’re just at different places in our lives.” That Juliette was born Jason is just one of those things that will be revealed eventually. Juliette should realize the dishonesty of not telling could itself become a relationship ender. When relationships get serious, that usually leads to visits with the family, and often a look at childhood photo albums. Juliette will either have to keep John away, or ask her family to do an Soviet-style editing of history. It’s just not going to work—someone is going to out Juliette, and surely she knows it. I think you should tell your cousin she’s living in a dream world and that she’s being unfair to John, even if he has a lack of desire for children. Of course, it could be that John flees, or it could be that he says, “She’s more than woman enough for me.” But it’s his right to know the crucial piece of history. You are in a difficult position since you have relationships with both parties, but you didn’t fix up John and Juliette, so you don’t bear that moral responsibility of letting him know. I think you should tell your cousin you will not be the one to deliver the news to John. If he brings up the relationship with you, you can be non-committal and tight-lipped and just say you’re glad to hear he’s enjoying your cousin’s company.
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I’ve added a better description (I hope) of the new reputation system in the site help.
http://forum.tgr.net.au/cms/forum/FXXXXXXXX/4836-836 -
Glebe Cafe Night July 2012
Inside in the warm for a change!
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Kinsey’s sexual orientation scale
Just love this stuff in a community where we have people with male sex organs relating as if they were a woman. How on earth do you define heterosexual and homosexual in this context. That’s why I suggest strongly people leave sex at the door when they come in to discuss gender.
Dr. Harry Benjamin’s Gender Disorientation Scale
A fossil that is offensive to many in the community. Considering everyone to be either a true or fake Transsexual or Transvestite and then coupling it to sexual orientation is I hope completely discredited… and if it isn’t I volunteer to be a case study for anyone who is unconvinced it is rubbish.
But let me add the words of Wikipedia – as my opinion may not be enough to sway people from this path.
Quote:Benjamin’s Scale references and uses Dr. Alfred Kinsey’s sexual orientation scale to distinguish between “true transsexualism” and “transvestism”. But the strict relationship between gender identity (Benjamin’s Scale) and sexual orientation (Kinsey’s Scale) was just a result of the researcher’s biases, not his scientific findings.Conteporary views on gender identity and classification differ markedly from Harry Benjamin’s original opinions. First, sexual orientation is no longer regarded a criterion for diagnosis, or for distinction between transsexuality, transvestism and other forms of gender variant behavior and expression. Modern views also exclude fetishistic transvestism from th spectrum of transsexual identity/classification, this type of transvestism is not related to gender expression or identity but is a distinctly sexual phenomenon most commonly practised by people who are neither transsexual nor homosexual
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Looks like we missed the 15th Birthday as well!
I’ll close this thread till 2017! -
The post above by Lisa_W and the reply from Chloe have been moved to the sin-bin.
After consulting with the moderators I have taken the following action:
1. Although Lisa’s post was an attack on the language Chloe used it implicitly accused Chloe of lying. Lisa has confirmed that she considered Chloe was misrepresenting herself. It is clear that Chloe perceived the post as an attack, registered this in the voting system, and wrote as much in her reply. I am therefore considering this as a borderline case of personal attack under the ACP.
2. Misrepresentation is not unacceptable per se in these forums. Many members misrepresent themselves by virtue of their need for secrecy, their desire to be different, and their dreams. Lisa’s attempt to selectively create and enforce such a rule is rejected.
3. I am uncomfortable that anyone should be forced to reveal personal details to counter accusations by another member – particularly if the allegation does not rest on any serious misconduct. Accordingly I have edited out of the sin-bin transcript those parts of Chloe’s post that were not in the public domain prior to this incident.
4. Lisa also registered a complaint that Chloe’s reply was itself a personal attack. This complaint has been rejected as it rested totally on Lisa’s right to define the meaning of the word “novice”. The BAD voting button has been modified to make it clear that such frivolous use in the future will result in action being taken.
5. We are aware that other members expressed opinions about Lisa’s post through voting and have taken this into account in this decision. All votes on the two posts have been removed. A vote of POOR on Lisa’s post has been left as a record of this determination.
6. In accordance with the ACP this is a first warning to Lisa. And the offending post(s) have been hidden from the thread and moved to the Sin Bin.
I hope that this incident will serve to remind everyone that TgR has a zero tolerance to any disruptive behaviour. Any personality issues between members are not to surface in postings or other communications.
Finally I remind everyone that the moderators are unpaid, and I personally am very unhappy having to spend my precious time resolving what is such a petty dispute. My response to this issue is measured in part by the inconvenience it has caused. And so I hope all parties involved will move on and not make any further demands on the moderators.
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Quote:One comment I do have is I have noticed someone with a reputation greater than 100% in one of their areas.
Sadly its a glitch… one I was unaware of till one of my reputations went over 100%. I’ll have to think about it tonight – but rest assured I’m still removing the gremlins!
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Quote:With regard to finding ‘understanding’ hairdressers/stylists’, I’m yet to meet one that cares what style you want. The usual issue is whether or not they are any good at their craft.
I have been blessed with a healthy head of hair – another possible advantage of being born with a half-tank of testosterone. But for years I had it ‘butchered’ in a barbers. The look made me ‘conform’ and was convenient for wearing a wig.
A few years ago my barber died and I had the trigger to move on. I tried lots of hairdressers but generally they ignored my poorly voiced ideas of what I wanted and cut the hair in a way they had been taught.
Finally, in frustration I decided to “come out”. I dressed so that i couldn’t be confused as a “normal male” and went to a predominately female hair salon in the city. When asked what i wanted i said i wanted a unisex style and wanted the hair to grow.
The result has been a great success – it turned out that not only was the Japanese stylist good at her craft – she also knew how to cut my hair so it too doesn’t cry out as “man” or “woman”. And I get a big smile when I come in for a trim!
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Cloe,
Thanks for not raising a dormant thread – some threads are best left like that! But a link to where you read these comments might be helpful.Like you my search for understanding took me first to Seahorse. The society does a great job at helping people come out of the closet (that was me) and help them feel that that it is OK to be different. But the group also had a strong message that what was OK was to be a heterosexual man who likes wearing a skirt from time to time.
After a while I realised I didn’t fit that description so I started to seek out the company of those who were leaving Seahorse on a journey to be accepted as in society as a woman. But this group also had a strong message. A common view was that if you weren’t joining them on their journey then you “weren’t serious” or you were “just a crossdresser”.
As I view my current physical sex with indifference, and have no dream of being perceived indistinguishably as a woman in the change room I could only stand to one side and let my friends go on their journey without me.With increasing confidence came the realisation that society doesn’t actually ostracise those who present in an ambiguous gender. This gave me the freedom to present just how I felt – my clothing reflecting feelings from very feminine (at smart restaurants) to very male (skippering a yacht). Being comfortable in how you present is a far richer experience than dressing to match a binary gender that isn’t ‘you’.
As for “passing” – I realised that is a constraint, an affectation, and above all a delusion. Virginia posted some quotes in a thread about passing
(http://forum.tgr.net.au/cms/forum/F124/2065-065&highlight=passing)Quote:It is great to be passable but it is even greater to be accepted! You can only be accepted by being a good person and realize all around you are people that may like you, may hate you and some may even just not understand you. Don’t run from any of these people, give them your best smile and look them in the eye and say hello. If you run, you will be running all your life.Quote:passing is just sweeping the struggle for acceptance and equality under the carpet, and placing our own needs above those who will never pass.I don’t think I could express it better.
Back to the question = Is an androgyne O.K. by you?
Well androgyne is a label, like gender queer and inter-gender.
I don’t associate with the specific label – but I do associate with the concept that not feeling either man or woman is OK.
So the answer is yes! -
Quote:I assumed the reputation would indicate the relevance of our input (& our participation level).
I guess we all have to watch to see what type of posts are most appreciated and valued by the membership. It would be presumptuous of me to guess what the outcome will be.
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Quote:Amanda, if email and chat contribute equally towards a 100 opercent reputation under the new system, then where is the worth in Visiting keeping one’s Profile up to date?
Jenifur Charne
Because email and chat only contribute to the talking reputation. If that is the only one of the three reputations you score on then you will have a maximum reputation of 33%. Each of the three behaviours in my original post contributes to 1/3 of your final reputation (though this may need some find tuning).
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Quote:I have noticed that some posts are identified as being ‘recommended’, how is this determined?
The recommended and featured posts just reflect the average vote so far.
If on average the feedback is that the post is excellent then it is highlighted as “featured”. If the post has attracted feedback that it is good then it is marked as “recommended”. Of course it isn’t quite that simple because people may vote the same post as bad and as excellent! Diversity in action!Quote:What should those of us who are lacking posting experience be aiming at?I hope people will post just what they want to post. As long as it doesn’t violate the website policy there can be no complaint. If people like your posts then they can indicate this and that will reflect itself in an enhanced reputation. BUT what is considered a good posting within TgR is likely to be as diverse as the membership!
Quote:Also, having read your info about the previous reputation system, I understood that if you indicated that you liked a post that it would ‘cost’ you points, is this still the case?The old reputation system deducted points and allowed you to give points away. None of that is carried over to the new system. Voting on posts does not in an way affect your reputation. (Perhaps it should!!!)
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Quote:Amanda,
I have just one small problem with the email reputation. I have replied to all the emails sent to me thru the TgR site. However my reputation for emailing is only 50%. I believe this is because I have on occasion replied directly to the person emailing me rather that replying thru the TgR site. If this is in fact the case then everyone should know their emailing reputation will suffer if that don’t reply using the TgR site.
Yes – there are some fine details to be documented and that is one of them. Obviously if you reply to someone outside TgR then there is no way the reputation system can know you have replied! To encourage replies through the system there is no longer an option on some email forms to show your email address to the recipient. I will also change the text on the email you receive to make it clear that replying by clicking on the link in the email contributes to your reputation. We will have to see if that works in practice. But as many people complain about not getting replies to their emails I thought it was worth trying to track this somehow.
As to 50% – that is quite a good reputation!! Mine is currently 42%!!!
And remember that the email and chat reputations add up – so 50% on email and 50% on chat gives you that elusive 100%!!!! -
Quote:As far as general audiences go I just don’t think that a portrayal of a “normal” Tg person with a strong, positive and courageous life would ” gel” at the moment despite the fact that we all know that we exist.
At the core of this discussion is perhaps something that has been touched upon before in these forums – do we wish the media portrayal of gender diversity to be the contemporary reality or a santitised version of a dream future.
Contemporary reality is not a Mills & Boon romance. “Happy endings” are not typical in the gender diverse community. For a start many of us find it difficult to progress our plot towards an ending, leaving us thinking of a better future but never getting beyond Chapter 3. Then there is the hard reality that happiness is generally closely linked to acceptance, and acceptance by the general audience is pretty thin and patchy. Getting the audience to read beyond the first Chapter of most of our stories is a challenge.
But although an accurate depiction of reality in the media would not be happy – I question if it would be about psychopaths and rapists. The true themes would I think be broken relationships, misunderstanding, rejection, antisocial behavior and associated psychological baggage. I think there is enough material there to make a gender diverse character ‘interesting’.
Alternatively, some have argued that it would be better to feed the general audience a diet of happy ending stuff suitable for publication in light weight outlets like women’s magazines and soap drama.
If this is the best way to improve awareness and acceptance (I’m not convinced) then I would hope to see some balance in the plots chosen. The happy stories I see at the moment reflect the two extreme points of the gender diverse spectrum.
I see stories about people changing their born sex and living happily in society (the TS dream) and about husbands putting on a skirt as part of a healthy married relationship (the crossdresser dream).
If we are going to filter our portrayal in the media to reflect how we want life to be rather than what it is, then please let’s have a lot more ‘creative’ positive stories about the assumed majority who live a life in between these two minority end points.
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Have to agree that the “lady-boy” label was perhaps a bit of sensationalist reporting. Leaving aside the obvious question of how do you know you are being attacked by a lady-boy (full surgical examination whilst wrestling on the floor?) … the article does say
Quote:But when she went to the restroom with Ms. Suthasinee, there were 2 ladyboys inside, along with more than 10 men and women, who began to beat both of them.Personally I think there is more to this story than the paper reported…like what perhaps had the ‘victims’ done to result in this apparently premeditated attack? It would be hard for a group containing men to “hang around in the women’s rest room” without attracting some attention!
Oh for the full story, but I doubt we will ever get to read it!