[Carol]

I watched it after catching a promo yesterday. Sadly the TV guides didn’t have the right program listed so I’m sure many would have missed it. She is not just the bravest person but some of her psychological issues parallel mine so closely that I’m ashamed I didn’t come out while I was working.
Isn’t Tony Abbot a strange contradiction of a person.

[Carol]

My first ever wig was platinum blonde shoulder length bought from a small hairdressers in Wollongong in the 1980s. I loved it. It survived, with most of its styling, being thrown in our swimming pool with most of my femme clothes by a cranky wife. But it didn’t survive being part of my “purge” a few months later. My mourning of it is probably the reason I’ve been able to give up purging for all time since.

[Carol]

I agree. Yes there are ups and downs and after struggling for 50 or so years in the closet, 2013 was the year I came out. I told my counsellor recently that 2013 was the best year of my life and I really meant it.

[Carol]

Ask me as I went through the process and I would have said: pre-puberty that I hated or was terrified by the concept, shortly afterwards my mother’s clothing and me wearing them became a great turn-on. Over the next 50 years I “knew” for sure that I was a hetero crossdresser no more. For the last two years I have admitted to myself that I want to transition. Looking back I can see many hints of that desire hidden in my dreams/fantasies.
So, not before puberty but since, I can see a progression through the spectrum, a progression though of self-awareness rather than a change of underlying personality.

[Carol]

Yes well my wife has very practical tastes in terms of undies. Cotton and comfortable. My taste inclines towards the practical with stretchy control and a bit frilly sometimes. I would never compare, but she does sometimes. My only recent comment on her’s was to wonder why most of her new ones that I was hanging on the line for her were 14/16 but two were 20/22. She said she obviously picked up the wrong pack. I didn’t go “yah, yah I take 12/14” My life is worth more than that.

[Carol]

My first issue of Digest arrived successfully a short time ago. Yeeehh! It claimed it was sent at 11.23am but trust me it didn’t arrive until after 7pm, not that I’m complaining. I’m just glad it arrived.

[Carol]

Well another way of looking at this is 1.25% of stupid Victorians in excessively high heels are men. This a rare bit of hard data on how many of us there are. Assuming Victorians are no more stupid than the rest of us and that men falling off heels are just as likely to go to hospital as women and that none of the “women” are not really convincing or fully transitioned ex-men and that the fetish for super high heels is no stronger for CD/TS than GG and…
OK I think that, even though this sample is small, it suggests 2.5% of males in this country that rage in nightclubs are out there as CD.

[Carol]

Ah well that explains the deadly silence. I’m sorry I bothered you with an email saying I wasn’t getting the Digest. But as you’ve probably guessed, as a Digest addict, I wasn’t alerted to this thread that explained why I wasn’t alerted….Oh shut up Carol.

[Carol]

There are two fears that I have.
First and most important, within the family my wife and three adult daughters know about me. My wife accepts my behaviour as long as no neighbours or friends find out and as long as physical changes go no further. My daughters do not want their husbands or children to know. So it is clear they are ashamed of me and if I push forward I risk losing all connections to the family.
Secondly at age 65, contemplating a very big adventure, I am unsure how long I have left with sufficient marbles to enjoy my new life. Can I at this late stage make my new life work for me or have 50 yrs of hiding my femme side left too many ingrained male traits. Perhaps the new me will never fit in anywhere.
To summarise: for a slight chance of a much better life, I am about to take a step that certainly has a big downside. Is it any surprise that I am hesitating?

[Carol]

Good practical advice from the earlier posters Angela. As to whether it’s OK to be doubtful about your thoughts when dressed, just don’t try to force things. If you feel relaxed and comfortable in female clothes just enjoy that. You don’t have to think anything special, there are no rules, go with the flow. A man fantasising is just as valid as a woman trapped in a man’s body. Take your time to work out who you are. It only took me 50 yrs.

[Carol]

Caty, Others have said this but it really is personal. My wife knows because I told her, our daughters know because she told them and I quickly confirmed it, but many of the steps forward have come because I was caught. All my fault as I tried to manage the depth of their knowledge from:
> he’s a CD
> he does this in public
> he’s changing his body
> she’s trans

Only you can manage the relationship. My experience can’t help. Firstly I’m not you and secondly I’m seriously unsure that my strategy is working. Good luck in your management of your relationships.

[Carol]

Time for an update.
Libido: To put in context, since my prostate op in 2000, my erections and ejaculations are a thing of the past. I’ve been on hormones since April 2013 and since October 2013 the very enjoyable “dry climaxes” that I could achieve are now also gone. I still love a cuddle and me or another touching my growing boobs. I’ve thrown away the forms.
Hair: As reported before but the bald spot on my head is definitely starting to fill in.
Emotions: definitely more of empathy, weepinesss, maternal/protective but also short fuse about being blocked in my efforts to feminise.

[Carol]

I was doubtful about joining in on this thread. The religious are entitled to their views and as an atheist I respect their rights. I just wish they’d do me the same courtesy. Now my side have stuck their heads up, I’ll join in.
Try reading the academic studies on who wrote the books of the Bible and when they were written for which audience. They have roughly the same validity as press releases from John Howard’s office about Iraq and boat people. The oft quoted ban on crossdressing was in fact a statement against draft dodging by pretending to be female. By all means believe in God if that suits you but all religious texts were written by fallible people of their time for an audience that understood the context. Follow the strict letter to your peril.
PS I know I may have crossed a line and if this is deleted and I’m demoted I understand. But sometimes…

[Carol]

Me too with the weight problem. I started my journey at 95 kg and got down to 83.5 kg after 12 mths. The family visitors have just left but I’ve gained 2kg over 10 days. Back to disciplined eating and exercise now.

[Carol]

Some years back I had to have work done on clogged arteries. The medical aid came to shave my chest and was surprised to find half his work already done. After a successful outcome to the surgery I made a big thing about how silly a partially shaved body looked and convinced my wife that it was logical to do the lot so everything could look the same and grow back together. It took quite some time before regrowth was apparent. I kept running the razor over just to check if there was anything there to remove. Also wife didn’t like the prickly bits and there was only one solution for that. In the end though it did regrow and stayed that way for a few years until I got an attack of honesty about who I was and dehaired properly.