[JaneS]

Emma, you are absolutely correct in your comments. I think that if anyone needed an example of how not to handle coming out, Bob has created a textbook case. I think this circumstance is not one that will end well.

As I’ve mentioned to others at various times, we should always keep in mind how long it took for us to feel comfortable with ourselves. To demand instant acceptance, as Bob has done with his actions, show no consideration for anyone else. If we want support and understanding then delivering a ‘like it or lump it’ blow to people isn’t the way to do it. If Bob was a year, or two years into transition and people were not accepting then things would be different, but he has given those around him no time at all to consider things.

As you were, I’d be concerned for the wife in this picture. She needs support. Bob has obviously decided that he either doesn’t need support, or that anyone who doesn’t support him will be in the wrong.

This is more than pink fog, it’s a pale red hurricane and I suspect that a lot of damage will be done.

[JaneS]

In what could seem like synchronicity, when I logged in this morning the featured article that popped up was Emma Thorne’s post ‘You won’t meet a great friend sitting at home watching Midsomer Murders and taking selfies…trust me’. It was wonderful to re-read it, though it doesn’t seem that long ago that I read it for the first time.

The interesting thing is that the message in that article is essentially the same. There’s a whole world out there waiting for us to explore, and we are part of it. Having survived the depths of yet another Canberra winter, my Good Lady and I have begun venturing out of an evening. Just over a week ago it was to join a few other girls at a local restaurant in the city. Last week it was also a restaurant, this time to introduce a visiting CD friend to some of the girls. Both nights were fun, pleasant and resulted in no more ‘looks’ than any other group of happy diners. Indeed, at the last restaurant, the staff genuinely seemed to enjoy our company. They were very attentive and engaging. It was a wonderful evening, not to mention great food.

So, as both Emma and Jessica have said, take a chance. Step back from the keyboard, put on that dress you’ve been dying to wear and go introduce yourself to the world. Most people are too caught up in their own lives to worry about those of us who will never “pass”. I’m happy to be seen as who I am, someone who likes to dress nicely and have a fun night out with friends. It’s well worth the effort.

Enjoy.

[JaneS]

Jessica, thank you for a wonderful, insightful post. You’ve encapsulated very well the situation many of us find ourselves in.

I am one of those fortunate to have a very supportive partner. That didn’t happen ‘overnight’. It took her a couple of years to get her head around the fact that despite my revelations I was still the same person she married. There were the usual questions about trust and honesty but I was able to explain my feelings towards my actions and she came to understand. Now she enjoys having Jane to talk to, being able to discuss those things that women often talk about only among themselves simply because they believe that the men in their lives wouldn’t be interested, or have shown themselves to be uninterested.

A little bit of cake is good, but too much is bad for you. Sipping a fine wine now and then is pleasant but overindulging can cause problems. Moderation is the best course and so too it is with our dressing. We must never allow our belief in our freedom to dress to become the arrogance of our ‘right’ to do so whenever we choose. As a member of a society we wish to fit into, we must also make concessions to that society. That’s just how it has to be if we wish to be social creatures.

Thank you again for your post Jessica.

[JaneS]

I tend to see usage of biblical passages, to justify arguments on both sides of the same-sex marriage debate, as a bit like the way people love to use statistics. They choose the approach that favours their opinion. Unfortunately, such an approach rarely sways those on ‘the other side’ because they too look to their own approach as the correct one.

“Try this food product, it’s 90% fat-free.” Wow, that sounds good to me, I’ll buy.

“Don’t buy this food product, it’s 10% fat.” Ewww, not for me.

[JaneS]

I’m glad Charli replied to this post as she did. I held off replying because I saw it as a thinly-veiled, disparaging attack on the couple. The refusal to refer to Kristiana as “she” or “her” was blatant and the comment “His voice and face are still rather manly. It appears he has had breast implants.” was offensive and unnecessary to the content of the story.

One can almost hear the sneers in the frequent use of quotations of words that, in their tiny minds, suggest any sort of departure from the gender binary based on birth anatomy.

I wish Denise and Kristiana all the best for later in the month. The poisonous author/s of the article should mind their own business.

[JaneS]

The article is very interesting, if for nothing other than showing how much confusion, and uncertainty, there is in what is seemingly a religion where all disciples supposedly use the same rule book.
The main thing though, is that the progress being made in some areas, offers hope that such progress will develop further.
That’s something to hold on to.

[JaneS]

I think a lot of what is coming out of the US political system at the moment is the modern equivalent of the Roman concept of ‘bread and circuses’ – that is, distractions so that people don’t notice or pay less attention to what the Administration is really doing.

Danica, and any who follow her example, will help to get people focusing on the real issues that affect their lives, something all of the USA needs to do. Decreeing who can use what toilet will never solve their economic ills.

[JaneS]

Hand-me-ups from my daughter
The support of friends

The beauty that is my nine week-old granddaughter, and my belief that she will grow up in a society that is more accepting and tolerant than that of my youth.

[JaneS]

Since Donald Trump’s recent announcement it seems that just about everyone who wants to comment has become an expert on the issue of transgender.

As I don’t consider myself perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, I’m no doubt a “sinner” but what I choose to wear and how I choose to present are not two of those sins.

[JaneS]

I’ve just re-read the posts in this thread and the recent events in the US, regarding transgender members in their military, make me wonder if perhaps a few steps have been taken away from “there”.
Some of the comments to the myriad posts on the subject have demonstrated that in some quarters there is still some way to go.
US President Trump’s announcement seems to have emboldened a new wave of phobic comments so maybe reticence to get “out there” is justified. I’m fortunate to have not yet had a bad experience and having my wife frequently accompany me no doubt helps, but I wonder if it’s a case of not if I’ll have a bad experience but when?

[JaneS]

I’m a member of AGA but as they are based in the city and I live southside, I’ve not been to any of their dinner evenings or drop-ins.

There is also a Canberra Transgender Network though I’m not a member of that so I can’t tell you much more about it.

Whilst the flanelette nightie and hot cocoa combination isn’t my thing, being in my early 60s, neither is Cube. There’s a smallish group of us that occasionally get together for drinks or for dinner at local restaurants. One in Curtin is particularly popular because the staff are always polite and friendly, as they should be for anyone.

As the weather warms up I’m sure we’ll be getting out a bit more. Overall though, I’ve never had a problem here.

[JaneS]

I also fall into the category of disbeliever. Although some of the feelings we’ve had are expressed in the letter I find contradicting things that make me doubt the veracity of the whole letter.

To have been through so many negative events and yet still not been able to come out, even to a counsellor, suggests either a very poor mental health system, a very unobservant wife or both. I suspect any wife would seek to know and understand more than this one seems to. The writer mentions not owning up to how much women’s clothing her buys so by inference the wife must know he buys some. Why would that not trigger further discussion given the problems mentioned?

An aroma of fish, I suspect.

[JaneS]

Last Friday I went clothes shopping at Belconnen Mall with my wife. Although I was in male mode I experienced no difficulties trying on clothing in a number of stores including Crossroads and Millers as well as a few of the smaller boutique stores. I also bought stuff at Target but didn’t need to try anything on there.

Unfortunately few of the boutique stores had larger sizes so most of the browsing there was just picking things from the racks and holding them up against me to guage size. None of the shop staff paid any undue attention to me.

I noticed that Crossroads also has a ‘click and collect’ service.

All in all a positive experience.

[JaneS]

Like some of the other Canberra residents have suggested, I’ve found shopping for womenswear easy here. Sizing is the only real issue but with some of the larger department stores like K-Mart, Target and Big W carrying special lines of larger sizing even that’s easier now. Luckily I now seem to fit the top end of the ‘normal’ range (size 18) so most stores suit me.

I’ve tried on in stores; all they seem to worry about is how many items you take in. In one store the young girl at the dressing rooms wasn’t even interested in that and just waved me to a room.

I also use the ‘buy on line, pick up in store’ approach, though for Ezibuy it means going to the Big W store at Majura Park as the option isn’t available at the other ACT stores.

[JaneS]

Michelle it is most appropriate that we all encourage those whose wives do not want to know about or are opposed to cross dressing. I have much empathy for those who have come out to their wife/partner or other family member and not met a level of acceptance that allows them to dress openly, thus requiring them to continue to do so with a great degree of discretion. Though it might be hard to see in that scenario the positive is that the cross dressing is no longer in secret. As you say, on that basis life as a CD, while somewhat complex, can still be very rewarding.

It is important for all of us to keep in mind that as much as we desire that our friends and family have understanding and tolerance for us we must also be alert to their sensitivities. Everyone will seek to deal with the knowledge as they feel is best for themself. Some will come to feel that they can accept that part of our lives and embrace it to varying degrees. Others will find that their own inner beliefs and feelings do not permit compliance but can happily live with a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ approach. That might just be enough for an otherwise loving couple to continue their relationship.

Time might make things easier; curiosity might overcome fear but if it doesn’t then so be it. Removing the secrecy element can, as you said, help to dispel angst and fear.

As I mentioned before, only the individuals involved will know the full story and are thus able to make the relevant decisions. The rest of us can only offer support and encouragement for whatever course events take for those involved.